


My Head is a Jungle

by RiaVicto



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Homosexuality, M/M, Multi, Multiple Pairings, Multiple Partners, Recreational Drug Use, Relationship(s), absolute rubbish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 02:11:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 66,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9857369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiaVicto/pseuds/RiaVicto
Summary: Dan is having some familiar feelings, and some not so familiar.So much is happening in Dan's life it's hard to come to terms with all the changes. The fame, the attention, his sexuality.





	1. You Spin My Head Right Round, Like a Record Baby

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not share this anywhere outside of this website, especially not with the band or anyone mentioned within.  
> This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidence. 
> 
> ***Trigger Warning***  
> The working title of this fic for a long time was, 'Daniel Smith and the Gay Panic', which should give some insight into the contents ahead.

Things were happening again.

Dan thought he was over this. He had at one point put it down to teenage hormones, a faze that he would grow out of.

The very first time he remembered it happening was in primary school. All the girls wanted to play kiss chase, but he didn't want to kiss any of them. He wanted to kiss his friend Alistair. He realised quickly that that was not how the game worked.

Dan had completely forgotten about Alistair and kiss chase. Until he met Ralph at uni. Ralph was so much fun, they shared similar tastes in books and films and bonded over being massive music geeks. They played in bands and wrote music together, becoming practically inseparable.

To say it all changed one night would be overly dramatic, and a lie. But that night did change something for Dan. He was never a believer in the old saying 'drunk mouths speak sober minds', because there has been countless times when he's chatted absolute shit when off his face. Which was why it was so easy to brush off the kiss as just being drunk idiots.

Ralph never mentioned the kiss to Dan, and Dan certainly wasn't going to bring it up. But he did think about it, a lot. The details were hazy, but he remembered stumbling up the road to the student house the six of them shared, laughing in the kitchen swigging cheap vodka and even cheaper cola out of mugs.

He remembered Ralph standing in front of him, close enough that he could smell his fading aftershave and the cigarette smoke on his clothes. He remembered how quiet it was then, the noise of the club and their loud, excitable conversations still ringing in his ears. He remembered how in that moment he really wanted Ralph to kiss him. Then he did. And it was great, like, really great. He remembered being slightly breathless when Ralph pulled away, both his hands cupping Dan's face. He remembered touching his lips lightly after Ralph cleared his throat and said, "Right, well, night then," and disappeared out the door.

Ralph remained, and still remains to this day, one of Dan's best friends. That night didn't change anything for their friendship. When Dan thinks about it, Ralph has never given him any reason to believe he even remembers it. But after it happened it brought a lot of questions up for Dan. Namely, could he be gay? He remembered Alistair, and kiss chase and other little long forgotten memories that now niggled at him. He thought about girls. He liked girls, he had a lot of female friends. He thought about the girl who worked at the bar in the Student Union. He had been crushing on her pretty hard for the last two years. Dan thought about the way she moved, and laughed, her hair, her waist, her- yeah, he like, _liked_ girls.

That night was well over 5 years ago now. Dan hadn't come to a definite decision on the whole 'sexuality' thing. But the way he saw it, he didn't really have to. Sexuality had become quite a hot-button topic since he'd left university. His friends, the media, even politicians were all lining up to tell anyone who would listen that 'sexuality is a spectrum' and that you no longer needed to identify as just gay or straight or even bi. There was a whole world out there of possibility and titles and categories and no one was pressing him for an answer. Which suited him just fine.

The fact that Dan hadn't had any relationships, male or female, that had reached public knowledge made the label very, very happy.

"You're the _front man_ ," a label representative emphasised in a particularly cringe-inducing meeting. "It's good for the fans, especially the young female ones to think you're single."

"But I am single," he said confused as to why they were even having this conversation.

"Great, yes, then we should have no problem. Look," she moved her eyes away from her phone for the first time and looked directly at Dan, "it makes you seem more accessible."

"That's stupid. That doesn't make any sense," Dan tried hard to stop his voice from sounding like a petulant child.

"But you're single, right? So what difference does it make?" She stood up, a clear indicator that the meeting was over. Her name was Lexi and all Dan knew about her was that although not specifically a part of the Bastille management team, she was involved in a lot of label decisions and no one ever questioned her, so Dan followed suit. Not still quite used to dealing with the big label they were now on, only having dealt with much smaller, indie companies.

Dan looked at Lexi's severe, tailored blazer, her tight pencil skirt and the killer heels, then down to his own messy ensemble. She cleared her throat when Dan hadn't made to leave. She was smiling but there was nothing friendly about it. She looked like a robot who had been programmed to smile, _or a psychopath_ , Dan thought. He muttered an apology and exited the room.

The more he thought about their conversation, the more annoyed he got at the injustice of it. None of the other guys had to hide their relationship status. Kyle and Will both had girlfriends, Woody was even getting married next year for fuck sake.

"Why are you getting your knickers in a twist? Like you said, you're single so why do you care?" Dan's friend Sophie asked. They were sat on the living room floor eating a takeaway.

"I don't know, I just feel like there's something more to it, like, what do they care really that I'm single or not? We're not the fucking Beatles, you know?"

"More like what?" Sophie asked slowly, eyeing him carefully. Dan was pretty sure that Sophie knew or at least suspected that he liked guys. Which he thought might be a little unfair. In the whole time they'd known each other he'd never had a steady girlfriend, just a few hook-ups now and again. But it's not like Sophie had been in any relationships either. They had an ongoing joke that they were both 'terminally single'.

"Nothing, forget it," he said picking at his chow-mein. He may have imagined the slight slump in Sophie's shoulders and defeated expression that briefly fell across her face. He wasn't deliberately hiding anything from her, though he knew she thought he was. It's just he didn't want to admit anything until he knew exactly what he was admitting to. He wanted to get it straight in his head first; before he had to answer a million questions. _Ha, get it straight._

 

*

 

"Soph!" Kate called up the stairs. Sophie shushed Dan but they were both laughing too much from their hiding place in the bathroom. "Sophie!" Kate called again, they heard her bashing about as she climbed the stairs, clearly in a state similar to their own. A loud hammering on the door told them they were discovered. "Let me in fuckers!"

Sophie opened the door a smidgen, "What do you want?" she hardly got the question out before Kate came bursting in the room. It was Kate's birthday and they were having a party. Dan was the definition of blind drunk. And it was amazing. Everyone was there, Sophie, Kate, and Al, Dan's housemates, people Kate worked with, people from uni, everyone. The house was packed full of people. Kyle and his girlfriend had turned up earlier, Kyle had helped set up some decks and was taking it in turns with some of their friends to DJ.

"Oh, Dan's here too. Good," Kate said pushing her way into the bathroom and shooing Dan out the way. He vacated his position of being slumped against the toilet to being slumped against the bath. Kate grabbed a roll of toilet tissue, slammed the toilet seat lid down and fell to her knees before cleaning the surface. Dan looked to Sophie for some kind of guidance as to how he should react. He knew what was coming, but surely they didn't do this anymore?

Sophie locked the bathroom door and moved to crouch down next to Kate, who was pouring a small pile of white powder onto the toilet seat. She cut it into two lines before looking over her shoulder at Dan. He had yet to say a word since Kate arrived. Kate nodded and rearranged the mass into three neat lines. She and Sophie took turns using a rolled up tenner, produced from Kate's bra, to make short work of two of the lines.

"Where did you get this from?" Sophie said wide-eyed and rubbing her nose. 

"It's good right?" Kate said grinning.

"We'll see," Sophie turned to Dan and handed him the rolled note. Without question he took it and knelt down next to Sophie. He hadn't done this since uni, but in one quick motion he put the note to his nose and inhaled the remaining line. It burnt a very slightly, he remembered this feeling well. He threw his head back and took another deep breath. Sophie licked her thumb and wiped under his nose, keeping her thumb held out so he could lick the remnants off it.

"Just like old times," she said smiling.

His right nostril and the tip of his tongue went numb, but Kate was right, it was good stuff. Not that he had a wealth of experience. Just whatever was passed around at the occasional party. He had a feeling Kate and Sophie were much more experienced in the matter.

"If you don't mind Daniel, I'll be stealing our drop dead gorgeous friend here for the exceptionally important matter of getting her laid," Kate said grabbing Sophie's hand and dragging her out the room. He could hear Sophie's half-hearted protests as they left and Kate's promises and assurances that Sophie would like the chosen suitor.

Dan sat in the bathroom where they left him. He wiped a finger across the top of the toilet lid, gathering a small amount of the white powder. He rubbed it along his gums, wiped the lid with a tissue, flushed it and re-joined the party.

Dan found Al with a group of people in the kitchen, they were talking about a sports team Dan had no interest in. He would go sit down but his racing heart was beating in his ears. He didn't want to be alone or god-forbid start tripping in front of everyone. Al placed a hand on Dan's shoulder to steady him. "You alright dude? We thought you'd left?" Al had to shout to be heard, Dan shook his head and made his way towards the pounding music from the next room.

He spotted Kyle behind a table in the corner. He was crouching to see lap top, mixing tunes next to massive speaker. Everyone in the room was swaying and singing along to the music.

"O Captain! My Captain!" Kyle shouted at Dan, spotting him hovering in the illuminated doorway. Dan was enjoying watching him, he looked like he did during gigs, bobbing and ducking to the music. He looked amazing, hair flopping over his sweaty forehead. Dan suddenly wanted to push it out of his face, run his fingers through it, touch his cheeks. _What is happening?_

Kyle waved him over again. The music was so loud Dan had to cup his hand around Kyle's ear in an attempt to be heard. Kyle leaned in closer to Dan so they were practically cheek to cheek.

"No way!" Kyle cackled and threw his arm around Dan's shoulder. "Those bitches!" He joked. He puffed his chest out and put his free hand to his forehead, pretending to eye the crowd looking for Sophie and Kate.

"It's true!" Dan protested, "They’ve ditched me for the D."

"Oh, the D!" Kyle laughed, jostling Dan's shoulders. "Not the D!" Dan giggled, and mimicked Kyle so they were like two sea captains searching for land.

"Hey, look at me," Kyle tucked his finger under Dan's chin, pulling him gently so their faces are so close he can feel Kyle's breath on his mouth. Kyle's eyes locked on Dan's, as if he was searching for something. Dan leaned forward just the slightest bit.

"You've had some of Kate's stuff haven't you?" Kyle exclaimed gleefully releasing him from his grip. Dan stumbled forward a little, reeling from the sudden lack of him. "Its good stuff isn't it!"

Dan didn't even realise Kyle was still talking to him until Kyle clicked his fingers in front of his face, "Earth to Dan, it's me Kyle, your most humble servant," Kyle smiled and placed his hands on Dan's cheeks.

"Someone get this man a beer!" Kyle shouted into the room full of their drunk friends. Someone handed Dan their half empty, now slightly warm, bottle and he gulped it down eagerly.

"This one's for you," Kyle said to Dan with a wink. The speakers instantly started blasting out a familiar hip-hop beat, a couple of cheers and appreciative voices echoed around the room before T Baby started crooning about it being 'so cold in the D'.

Dan was so happy he could kiss Kyle, _it's happening again_.

The party went on for hours, Dan spent most of his time with Kyle after that, everyone dancing to the various songs - the genres were all over the place. Ralph offered him a spliff to calm him down but Dan refused, he was enjoying his high too much. He liked the heady, dizzy feeling, the accelerated heartbeat (once he got used to it), the tingling in his finger tips.

Dan came downstairs and slipped the little bag into Kyle's back pocket. Kyle caught Dan's wrist as he pulled away, gripping it hard. Kyle quickly loosened his hold after a pathetic little whimper escaped Dan's lips, "Sorry dude!" Kyle bellowed, running his thumb over his wrist. Dan looked up to see Kyle's eyes boring into him, eyebrows furrowed.

"Oh no it's fine, just giving you back your stuff," Kyle let go of Dan and took a step towards him. Their chests were practically pressed together.

"Keep it," Kyle said with a wink and placed the baggy into Dan's breast pocket. Dan took a step back and hit the wall behind him. Kyle reached out for him. They stood for a beat looking at each other before Dan, breathless, scurried away to find Sophie.

In the bathroom they took the rest of Kyle's bag using Sophie's key. "Oh shit, this is my desk key at work," she said grimacing at Dan. Dan laughed so much his stomach hurt, he was collapsed onto the floor, tears streaming down his face. "It's not funny," Sophie said giving him a little kick.

"Is that all of it?" Dan asked examining the empty bag, "Probably for the best," he huffed and turned his attention to Sophie, remembering their earlier conversation, "Who did Kate want you to sleep with?"

Sophie rolled her eyes but proceeded to tell him about 'Gav from IT who works with Kate and likes books and music and also voted labour so you'll like him Soph'.

 

*

 

Dan did not remember going to bed. He also did not remember getting changed into pyjamas. Which was extra weird seeing as the pyjamas he was currently wearing were not his.

He threw back the quilt in an attempt to find his phone but instead found Sophie. She was still fully dressed from the night before, complete with tights, cardigan and even one dolly shoe. She groaned and reached over to pull the covers back over her.

"Soph what are you doing?"

" _Trying_ to sleep," she sounded annoyed, "Duvet please." She attempted feebly to pull it from his grip. When she was unsuccessful she punched him in the leg, Dan immediately threw the sheets back over her.

"Why are you in my bed? Your room is next door," He asked. Sophie's answer was muffled and unrecognisable as English, "What?" 

Sophie huffed and articulated every word carefully and with force, "Kyle and Janna are in my bed. Now go back to sleep or fuck off," She stressed the last two words with such venom Dan was up and out of the room quick as a flash. He knocked on Sophie's door and sure enough Kyle and Janna were in the bed. Janna was still asleep, lying on Kyle's bare chest. Kyle was sitting up in his phone.

"All hail the conquering hero!" Kyle said loudly, throwing one arm wide, keeping the other tightly around Janna's shoulders. Dan groaned at Kyle's volume. "How are you this morning sunshine?"

"Delicate," Dan answered. Now he was upright his head had started to pound quite uncomfortably. "I have very little recollection about last night."

"Join the club," Kyle grinned.

In actual fact Dan could remember a lot. There were a few black spots, but mostly he remembered. He remembered dancing with Kyle, Kyle's hands on his face, his wrist. How hot Kyle had looked in the dark living room, dancing and swaying to the music. His deep, inebriated voice ringing in Dan's ear.

It must have been the drugs making Dan feel like that. He was over friendly and a big hugger when he was sober, so with the additional chemical aid rushing though his veins of course his friendliness was going to be exaggerated! He knew from personal experience that after a couple of drinks he was prone to declaring his undying love to perfect strangers, so the fact that he had spent most of the night following Kyle around like a lost puppy and flirting outrageously with him was nothing too concerning.

If it was the drugs that made Dan feel like he wanted to rip the clothes from Kyle's body and lick every inch of him last night; then it must be the come-down this morning making him itch to run his fingers over Kyle's smooth chest, bury his head in the crook of his neck and breath in his warm, sleepy scent? Right?

Dan cleared his throat, forcing himself to think of anything else, "Who's pyjamas am I wearing?"


	2. So Here's Hoping I Will Not Drown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do not share this anywhere outside of this website, especially not with the band or anyone mentioned within.
> 
> This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidence.

The bus was so small that the guys and girls of the crew had become used to living on top of each other. In this case, not a turn of phrase. There wasn't even that much of them, but fitting eleven bodies into a space the size of a cheap hotel room was like a human game of Tetris. It was quite a skill actually. One Dan and Co. had become exceptionally good at. If Dan could give any bands new to touring any piece of advice it would be get comfortable with physical contact; get used to having your personal space violated; and above all, lay the ground rules surrounding your bunk early on. 

On the Bastille bus the rules are few, but they are strict:  

 **One** : Your bunk is your bunk. No swaps, no trades, no guests. 

 **Two** : No no. twos.

 **Three** : You better be on the fucking bus on time or it  _will_ leave without you (No one has yet to test this rule. Dan came close once, he even googled how to get to the nearest train station just in case). 

It had only been a year or so, but Movie Night was a perfect demonstration of how close this dysfunctional little family had become. They had to sit or lie with their legs and limbs over each other, in order for them all to pack in. It never bothered Dan or anyone before, Woody in particular liked to spread out whilst watching films. Dan had sat through many a movie with Wood's legs draped across his lap. Never an issue.

But over the last couple of weeks Dan had become hyper-aware of every time Kyle touched him. Dan loved it and hated it in equal measure. He craved it all the time.

Dan and Woody were sitting on the floor wedged between the sofas behind them and the coffee table in front of them. Woody was leaning forward with his chin on his folded arms, he looked like he was going to nod off any minute. He hadn't intended for this to be the case, but Dan had ended up sitting in front of Kyle's crossed legs. 

Dan couldn't concentrate on the film, instead he found himself running wild scenarios through his head. He could lean back into Kyle's legs, maybe Kyle would casually place a hand on his shoulder or in his hair. If Dan 'accidentally' touched the bare, exposed skin of Kyle's ankle he might pull away, or he might slump further down in the sofa to give Dan better access. Kyle might even absentmindedly start rubbing Dan's neck, running his hands through the hair at the nape, pulling harder...  The hairs on Dan's arm stood up. 

"You alright, dude? Not like you to get scared by films," Kyle joked, leaning close to whisper in his ear. 

 _Oh God how did he notice?_  Dan must be really fucking obvious. Kyle ruffled his hair and chuckled, the noise low and rumbling in his chest, as he sat back up. Will threw them a look, mouthing, "Shh!", thankfully removing any need for Dan to reply. His mouth was suddenly dry. God he needed a drink. 

Long before the end credits rolled, and four or five beers down, Dan had worked himself up into such a state. He excused himself to pee but didn't go back to the living area, instead took himself straight to his bunk. He had seen the film before and knew there was still a while to go, but he needed to leave. His fantasies had become increasingly X-rated and he was achingly hard against his jeans. It was embarrassing, having to sit with his hoody piled on his lap. 

In the sanctuary of his bunk Dan looked down at himself, it was even more obvious through his joggers. He couldn't risk dealing with it lest he get caught. He heard voices and footsteps coming up the stairs so rolled onto his side facing away from the aisle, praising his bottom bunk. He pretended to sleep, no one disturbed him but Woody did kneel down and pull the curtain of Dan's bunk shut. After a few minutes of chatter and movement the lights went out and the bus became silent. 

Dan didn't know when he eventually got to sleep but he woke up the next morning knowing that he had had a fitful night with dreams full of lust and angst and Kyle. 

 

"Are you going to come?"  Dan nearly spat his food out at Kyle's question. They were at a greasy, road-side cafe grabbing a quick breakfast before carrying on to the next venue. Dan looked around wildly to see who else may be listening. 

"What?" He demanded, much more forceful than he had intended. 

"To the water park?" Kyle smirked, clearly enjoying a joke Dan was not privy to. 

"Er, I dunno. What's happening?"  _Fuck_ , what an actual nightmare. Kyle explained that they'd discovered a water park nearby, a pretty famous one by all accounts. A group of them were going to check it out. Dan inwardly groaned, never particularly comfortable getting his clothes off in front of people.

Kyle put a comforting hand on Dan's knee under the table, "I know dude, but it will be fun. You're coming, so. Get your shit," he smiled, patted his knee one last time for good measure and left Dan to finish his breakfast.  _This is going to be horrific._

When they arrived at the venue Dan was hugely relieved to see a light dusting of snow across the car park. Surely no one would want to go to a water park in Budapest, in the dead of winter? 

" _Au contraire, mon amour_ ," Kyle said, wagging his eyebrows in Dan's direction. 

"I think you mean ' _mon ami_ '," Will corrected him. Kyle shrugged and threw a stolen hotel towel in Dan's direction. 

The four band members, plus Coop their sound guy and Alisa and Dave from the band they were supporting, managed to negotiate the city's equivalent of the Tube pretty easily. It reminded Dan of the U-Bahn in Berlin, which made everyone roll their eyes when he mentioned it.

"You're obsessed," Will teased. 

Aqualand was, in no uncertain terms, awesome. It was under a huge glass dome and it even had a fucking castle inside. It was all heated pools, slides and wave machines. 

"A lazy river! Yes Dan, that's got our name all over it!" Kyle chorused over the hubbub of getting tickets and lockers sorted. Dan grinned internally. He loved it when Kyle singled him out. Kyle was so loud and commanding, he was always the centre of attention. He had the ability to make you feel special. Over everyone fighting and squabbling for his attention, when he selected you it made everyone, not just Dan, feel pretty fucking good. 

"Right, keep it in your pants people," Kyle said as he and Will emerged from the changing rooms. Both striking poses and winking. "Oi you," Kyle said pointing at Alisa, "Quite enough of that, we've both got girlfriends." 

"Oh but Kyle! Be still my beating heart!" Alisa exclaimed, fanning herself dramatically and pretending to swoon. 

"Right's that's it," Will said picking her up as she squealed and attempted to escape his grip. Will threw her into the pool and jumped in after her, beating his chest. Dan laughed along with everyone else. The shenanigans were making him forget his self-consciousness at being in just his swim shorts. 

"Don't know what you're laughing at, pretty boy. You're next!" Kyle warned, turning to Dan and coming straight for him. 

"No, no. Kyle stop!" Dan barely managed to sputter out before he was thrown unceremoniously over Kyle's shoulder.

"I am Kyle, King of the Rock. And there's nothing you can do about it!" His voice echoed around the dome as he jumped with Dan into the pool. 

 

*

 

The gig was amazing, the crowd were so loud! Dan couldn't keep the smile off his face. Until they went out to greet some fans that is.

Seeing Kyle flirt with them sent a pang of jealousy through him. He knew it was harmless, Kyle loved his girlfriend and would never do anything to hurt her. But for some reason that thought wasn't comforting it only made him feel worse. 

For the last couple of days Dan had been playing a little game in his head. It was called the 'Ignore Kyle and Let Him Come to You Game', a working title. It was quite thrilling. Without Dan following Kyle around like a lost puppy, he had inadvertently turned the table. The guys in the crew always joked about the two of them being co-dependant but he'd never really seen it himself. Until now. 

It had started as a self-preservation thing. Dan was finding it increasingly hard to be around Kyle, and getting increasingly frustrated with himself in the process. However the more distance he tried to put between them the more Kyle seemed to push back and demand his attention. Dan felt his neck get hot as he remembered Kyle's thighs around his waist when he'd jumped on his back in the pool. 

"Dude look at this!" Kyle called Dan over, "This is the stuff I was telling you about!" He shoved a bottle of dangerous looking booze into Dan's hand and hugged the girl that gave it to him, "Thank you  _so_ much! I had this when I came here with my friends years ago, it's awesome!" 

"It's deadly," she giggled, still reeling from the bear hug. 

"Let's do it," Kyle said grinning at Dan. 

Back in the shelter of the theatre they'd played in, Kyle had handed out the alcohol and everyone was feeling light-headed and giddy. Dan's head was spinning as he stumbled back into the backstage room after a quick puke break. 

Kyle was lying on the sofa, head on Will's lap and they were singing merrily.

"Dan!" Kyle whined, unwinding himself from Will. Dan quickly fixed his face, realising he was scowling at the scene.

"Dan, come sit with me!" Kyle opened his arms wide. "I love you man," he grinned. "I do, you are just, you're the fucking man, you know?" Dan could only nod, he feared opening his mouth would encourage another round of puking. 

Confused and angry about his feelings for Kyle, Dan was having the worst time. How could a person be friends with someone for years and then suddenly be all consumed by their love for them?  _And fucking Kyle really wasn't fucking helping._  Always touching him and talking to him and being nice to him, granted Kyle was like that with everyone, but it really was quite unfair.

He didn't understand, and it was changing him. Dan used to be fun, he used to be there standing with Kyle, life and soul of the party. And now look at him, he was wasted drunk,  _again_ , sulking in the corner,  _again_. 

_Come on Smith, get it together._

Dan decided to be brave, if Kyle could be tactile and flirtatious then so could he.  He wanted to see how far he could push this, how much he would get away with before people realised. But what happened then? What would happen if Kyle ever found out about how Dan felt about him? 

It would all be over. 

 

*

 

"So, since the last time we spoke you guys have been pretty busy!" The interviewer said enthusiastically, "You've been everywhere".

They were in another stuffy back stage room, only a couple of hours before their show. A few local radio stations had come to interview them, which was mental. It was still such a bizarre concept that people actually wanted to hear them play their music, let alone hear what they had to say about it. 

"Yeah, we're really lucky," Dan said, and he meant it. He went to pass the microphone over to Kyle who instead leaned into Dan and spoke into it. 

"It's mad that we get to do this as a job, like wicked. But yeah, crazy," Kyle grinned.

"How do you guys prepare for a tour? You're pretty non-stop. We spoke to Miles Kane and Alex Turner last week and they said they've got a really strict pre-tour routine." 

"Really?" Dan questioned, chuckling a little. "Like what?" 

"Like, no drinking, hitting the gym. That kind of stuff," Dan snorted with laughter at the last comment.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure they do all of that," Dan said sarcastically. Kyle let out a huge laugh and hit Dan on the arm. "Um, I don't know. Kyle?" Dan laughed and moved the mic to Kyle again. 

"Yeah. All of that too for us," Kyle said nodding seriously. "Dan does weight lifting actually. You should see his abs," Kyle patted his chest. The interviewer's eyes lit up. 

"Now you have to show us," she pushed. 

"Absolutely not!" Dan snorted. "I jump around for an hour every night, I'd like to think that is my exercise," Dan said looking between the interviewer and Kyle. 

"Well, for this tour we did say that we weren't going to drink and we were going to eat right," Kyle added thoughtfully. 

"Yeah but we've drank every night and eaten shit, so- oh shit are we allowed to swear?" Dan panicked and looked at the interviewer, she was shaking her head but she was smiling, highly amused. 

"Its fine, we'll bleep you out."

They finished up the interview and took a couple of photos for the radio station's website.  Dan threw his arm around Kyle's shoulders. They pulled faces at each other and tried to have a laugh with it, neither of them particularly comfortable in front of the camera yet. They thanked the interviewer and left ready for sound check. It was true what she'd said earlier, they were pretty non-stop.

It didn't feel like there was one day where Dan's phone wasn't blowing up with messages and calls and emails. All of which required him to make some really important, life or death decision that he's really, really not qualified to make. It was fucking stressful. Not that he would ever complain, out loud that is. He had the best job in the world, he was actually paid to hang out with his friends all day and drink all night. Oh yeah and perform his songs to a whole load of people every night. It's fucking wicked. But yeah, stressful as hell. 

Being on tour is probably the best and worst part of being in a band. The only way Dan could describe tour was it was like being at a festival. It can be so stressful planning it, getting there, setting up; but once you're there and in amongst it, it's the most fun ever. It takes a massive toll on your body; you sleep badly, you eat worse and you drink way more than you should. The people you are with become your festival family (in this case tour family) and for that weekend, week, month you would do anything for each other. But ultimately once it's all over you're so glad to be home, to your bed and a proper meal. 

That's where Dan's head was at the moment. They were a few weeks in to their first proper European tour and they had just found out that they were going straight to the US afterwards for the summer to play some festivals and their first ever American dates. 

"Fucking yes mate!" Woody cheered, high-fiving Dan. As probably the most ambitious one out of the bunch, Woody did not need any encouragement when it came to celebrating. Dan and Kyle however needed a little more time to get their heads around the fact. 

"How you feeling mate?" Dan asked Kyle moving over to where he was setting up his keyboards, fiddling with wires. 

"I mean, amazing, obviously. But also a bit sick as well?" 

"We'll go find somewhere to go for a drink after the show, yeah? Celebrate and talk or whatever," Kyle nodded at Dan's suggestion, but his smile didn't reach his eyes. 

"One or two though right?"

"Yeah whatever you want mate," Dan smiled, trying to keep the mood light. 

"I don't think I've seen you not hungover or wasted for ages," Dan's brow furrowed slightly, not sure what Kyle was insinuating. "I'm not judging or anything, just, if there was something going on, or... You're OK, yeah?" 

"Yeah, 'course," Dan said, trying to give him the most convincing smile possible. 


	3. I Just Can't Help Where My Mind Goes When It Goes Too Fast

Kyle walked out of the steamy shower cubical; a towel wrapped loosely around his slim hips. The several weeks of summer sunshine had darkened his smooth, toned skin. Making the muscles of his tummy even more defined. Dan's eyes briefly followed the trail of dark hair before he caught himself and moved his attention away from the man altogether.  

Kyle noticed him them as he one-handed towelled his hair. Water dripped on his forehead, neck, chest. 

"You alright, mate?" Kyle said concerned, "You look weird".

Dan shrugged, feeling flushed. He wanted to leave, wanted to run in the other direction but his feet were cemented to the floor. Kyle looked at him for what seemed like an age, his face eventually softening and gave Dan that cheeky grin he loved. 

"You haven't been boxing with Woody and Will again have you? I swear those two are mental. Who thinks punching each other in the head is fun? Seriously?" He laughed, waiting for Dan to join in on the friendly insults. 

All Dan could manage was a weak laugh and a feeble, "Yeah, what dick'eads," in return. 

Kyle shook his head, "Alright Dude, whatever. I'll see you back on the bus, yeah?" He passed Dan and wandered back to their changing room. 

Dan stood in the shower, letting the water flow over him, letting it take with it the dirt and grime and stress of the last few days. The band had been playing back to back festivals for months, the last three weeks of which had been slogging it across the States. It felt great to be in America, but Dan was knackered. Both physically and mentally shattered. 

They had barely a minute to breathe between shows, disregarding the long stretches of extreme boredom whilst spent on the road of course. It seemed for the moment the days when they could actually enjoy the festival before or after they performed were long gone.

The band and their crew had arrived at the current festival site, much like every other, with about an hour to spare before they went on stage. But with the set now over, the equipment, back-drop and rigging were already packed away and ready to leave. Ready to hightail it to the next city, the next sun bleached field, the next crowd of drunken revellers. 

Dan rolled his shoulder, massaging it gently under the steady stream of hot water. He really did need to start being more careful on stage. The memory of a few nights ago flooded his mind.

They had been in the middle of their newest single, the voices of the crowd so loud he could hardly hear himself. He was caught up in the moment, dancing and throwing himself about the stage, it was euphoric. That's when he heard a pop. Then he felt the pain. A searing, shooting kind of pain, all the way from his shoulder to the tips of his fingers. Only Kyle noticed. He gave Dan a concerned little look and his fingers a gentle squeeze. A few girls in the first rows caught the interaction and screamed, pointing and attempting to take photos. Kyle, ever the showman winked at them, took the guitar pick out of his mouth and threw it in their direction. Their screams were deafening. 

Dan's hand moved to the place where Kyle had touched him, thinking about his cocky stage swagger, the wink. He felt breathless, a little unhinged. His thoughts jumped to Kyle's wet hair, his precariously positioned towel, his cheeky grin. He thought about running his hands down Kyle's chest, the contours of his stomach, the trail of hairs teasing him to go lower. 

With his head swimming with Kyle and the noise of the shower muffling his groans, Dan gave himself a few last strokes and spilled out all over his hand. Immediately he felt the shame crash over him. He knew it was wrong to fantasise about your best friend like that. It was gross and inappropriate and embarrassing. 

"Mate! Hurry the fuck up will you? Everyone's ready to leave!" Woody's pissed off voice rang through the communal shower area breaking Dan out of his self-deprecating thoughts.  _I can't wait for this fucking tour to be over._

 

*

 

The van was so hot Dan could actually taste the stagnant air. Of course the air-conditioning would break when they were driving through the fucking American desert. There were ten of them crammed into the mini-bus in total - the four band members, tour manager Dick, plus a small selection of unlucky crew members who couldn't fit in the air conditioned equipment truck. It had been cosy enough when the air-con was working, now however it was verging on the unbearable. 

The small amount of success they'd had in the UK and Europe so far meant they had been able to tour in relative comfort. They had a nice bus and a reasonably sized crew. Now in the States, it was almost like starting again. Which was great in some respects, Dan loved playing more intimate shows, but the small luxuries they'd grown accustomed to were no longer available. 

Everyone was in a foul mood, no one more so than Dan. He longed for their bus and his cool, dark bunk. Somewhere he could pretend to write or sleep, somewhere Kyle wasn't. Kyle, who was not in a bad mood, Kyle, who was being wonderful and trying to keep everyone’s spirits up, Kyle, who had spent the last 100 miles topless, drinking beer after beer and getting steadily more clumsy and sloppy.

“What ya doing?” Woody asked, leaning on the back of Dan’s chair.

“Nothing,” Dan said, shutting his laptop.

“A new song? Awesome!” Kyle exclaimed from the back of the van.

“No, it’s not finished!” Dan called loudly not turning around.

“Come on, Dan! Just take off your shirt and tell us!” Kyle called back in a high-pitched American accent. Dan assumed it was a reference he didn’t get as Woody laughed loudly, even Will, who Dan thought was asleep snickered. They were all drunk. Dan pulled his hood over his head, even though it was a thousand degrees and he could smell himself quite badly, and put his headphones in.

Eventually the van pulled off the smooth highway and onto the bumpy dirt track leading to the festival site. They all but raced out when it finally stopped. Dan was the first person off, already he could see the crew unloading the gear off the van. Dick ran past him calling out to different crew members. He made a beeline for a very flustered looking girl with a walkie-talkie reading out instructions and directions to the guys from an iPad.  

"Hi, you must be Joan," Dick said shaking her hand, "Dick, we spoke on the phone."  

"Joni. Yes, hi!" She said in a surprising English accent. Dan could already tell she was gorgeous, even from this distance and with her huge sunglasses on. She was tall and slim with dark, wild hair pulled into a messy bun on top of her head, a fringe and loose tendrils blowing about in the dusty wind.

"Joni, sorry," Dick said. She handed over a pile of papers and a packet of wristbands and listed off details, times and other important information, pointing in the direction of the artists’ trailers.

"I don't know exactly where your trailers are but someone there will be able to show you," she laughed apologetically, holding her hands up in surrender. As she moved Dan caught sight of a tattoo of a large water-colour rose on the back of her calf. And another on her thigh, though her shorts covered most of it so he couldn’t tell what it was. Joni and Dick continued to talk quickly. She answered a few more of Dick's questions and helped with a bunch of paperwork before running off, calling down the walkie-talkie and disappearing into the sea of vans and busses. 

"She's cute." Dan nearly jumped out of his skin hearing Woody's voice next to him. 

"What? Who?"  _Smooth Dan, good job._  

"Her," Woody said pointing to where Joni was standing, "You know, the girl you were just eye-fucking."

"Oh my G- outrageous!" Dan said, clutching at his chest in faux shock and horror. Woody clapped him on the back and chuckled to himself. 

The heat was unforgiving. In addition to the trailers that had kindly been supplied for their use, there was a small awning with a hugely unstable picnic table and mini-fridge. Dan, being exceptionally brave, especially considering his current state of pink, stood in the oppressive sun to take a picture of the large group of pasty English men and woman crammed underneath the flimsy fabric shelter. 

"We are such a stereotype!" He laughed. 

"I'm just going to say it," Kyle said banging on the table. "This beer is shite. I'm going to the bar. Who's with me?!" Everyone cheered as he stood holding his fist aloft, looking every part the revolutionary leader. All he needed was a red coat and a musket. 

The gang traipsed through the growing throngs of people. Dan and the guys recognised a handful of people from various crew and bands from previous festivals. They said a few 'hello's and 'how are you's but mostly they were left to their own devices. For the first time in a while Dan felt completely relaxed and was finally starting to enjoy himself. 

The night had begun to roll in and their group had spread themselves out. Dan was outside with Tom, his friend from home who was filming their tour, and a few others. The temperature had dropped considerably and they were enjoying the much cooler, fresher air. Dan was beginning to feel the warm, foggy feeling he had started to crave. That sweet place on the cusp of inebriation, when his problems and anxieties were no longer over-powering but he was still in control of his limbs (and the contents of his stomach). 

Kyle was holding court at one end of the table. Dan, along with many others, watched avidly as he flailed his long arms, regaling tales of ridiculous tour antics. Including one well-rehearsed story of when he and Dan got lost in the airport, eventually resorting to just shouting about 'needing Dick' until they were rescued.

"Speak of the devil!" Kyle cheered. Dick came over to the table looking tired but happy. He was accompanied by two other equally exhausted looking people. Including her. 

"Guys, this is Joni and Harry, they have done a crazy-amazing job organising this beast of a weekend, so I think I speak for everyone when I say 'massive congratulations'. Let's get fucked!" He placed a huge cooler full of beer on the table. Right on cue everyone cheered and raised their glasses. 

The problems with the festival were common knowledge at this point, having been well-documented in the press and on social media. A legal battle about site-permits and licenses earlier in the year had led to a lot of bands dropping out and funding being pulled. Ultimately it meant many of the bands that had remained on the bill, Bastille included, had been bumped up a lot higher. Which was awesome for them but Dan couldn't imagine how hard everyone backstage had had to work to keep the thing afloat. By the look of the haggard pair in front of him, it had been nothing less than hellish.  

Dan wanted to ask them about it, how they managed to pull it all together, he wanted to thank them both and tell them what a good job they'd done. But it seemed like everyone else had had the same idea. Everyone at the table was shouting over each other, talking animatedly and handing out drinks. Joni was just finishing telling a story about lying her way through a press release. She was still waiting for the cease and desist letters, as she was sure a lot of what she said was technically libel. 

She’s really funny, Dan thought. She was sarcastic to a fault, has a mouth like a sailor and talked _a lot._ But not in a nervous, fill the silence, kind of way like Dan. It was more like when she spoke people listened and always wanted more from her. Every now and again he noticed that she would shrug and sort of stop mid-sentence, almost as if she had suddenly noticed how long she'd been talking and got self-conscious. 

Maybe that was all in Dan's head though, as it was in stark contrast to when Joni passed him a drink and he noticed her fingers are scarred and bloody, seemingly chewed beyond all recognition. She saw him notice and simply shrugged, no shame or any word by way of an explanation. Not that she owed him any, but this tiny gesture struck him. She was so unapologetically herself, something so foreign and exotic to Dan, as a serial apologiser. 

Throughout the night the group naturally moved and shifted about. Dan found himself wanting to be wherever Joni was. He tried to tactfully manoeuvre himself so she was in his eye-line or within earshot. He hoped he wasn’t being too obvious. It was a tactic he’d used on Kyle way back when, following him around for a couple of weeks then plucking up the courage to demand he join the band. Dan found Joni fascinating, the way she could almost control a conversation. Kyle also had this skill, he was more a hyperactive ball of energy, always laughing. Whereas Joni was more a calm within the storm. People were drawn to them both. People like Dan.

When the idea of the silent disco was banded about Dan and Joni were far too enthusiastic about the idea. He caught her eye and she giggled, a little embarrassed. Dan giggled, a little embarrassingly.

Tom clapped Dan on the back excitedly and attempted to gather the rest of their group. Woody and Kyle decided to stay at the bar with the rest of the crew and Will bowed out, wanting to head back to the trailer to call his other-half, no surprise there. It didn’t go unnoticed by Dan that Joni went out of her way to say goodbye to Will before he left.

“Come here, Champ!” He smiled and held his arms out wide for her. He wrapped them around her and lifted her slightly off the ground.

“Oh, it was so nice to meet you!” She squealed happily.

Dan, Tom and Coop joined the convoy of people heading to the disco tent, but not before hiding as many beer bottles as possible on their person, of course.

“She’s hot,” Tom whispered to Dan. Dan felt himself blush and followed Tom’s eye to a small blonde girl talking to Joni.

“Er, yeah, she is,” Dan said, relieved they weren’t talking about her. “You should go for it,” he smiled at Tom encouragingly.

“Oh yeah, sorry. You like the brunette right? I wouldn’t try and move in on your girl,” he winked and sauntered off. Dan was too drunk to argue or really care that he’d been rumbled. Which, coincidentally, was also the perfect amount of drunk to pluck up the courage to talk to Joni. 

"Have you ever been to Glasto? The silent disco there is wicked!" 

She turned and smiled at him, as they trudged across the hard, sun-baked ground. "No, but I would love to. I've worked Leeds Fest a few times. I once queued for the silent disco for 2 hours. By the time we got in my mate was so drunk he'd pissed himself. Although we didn't know at the time because he was covered head to toe in mud... I can't remember why." She laughed remembering the story.  Dan laughed too and proceeded to tell Joni about his friend who made an "emergency defecation" at the disco in Glastonbury. Joni had a belly laugh, and she was nearly crying by the end of his story, Dan felt very funny. 

"Why didn't she just go to the loos?"

"There are no loos at the silent disco!" 

"Ah, Glastonbury, the inferior of all silent discos," Joni teased. Dan noticed that she played with a small pendant attached to a choker necklace when she talks. It sat right at the base of her throat. Dan wanted to touch it too, his fingers almost ached to. He thought then that ever given the opportunity he would kiss her there. 

The queue into the tent was long. Harry suggested using their staff lanyards to skip to the front of the line but Joni shot the idea down.

"Where’s your compassion? Your empathy for your fellow man?” She quipped playfully and knocked him with her hip. 

Harry knocked her back, “You’re right, sorry boss.”

Joni very nearly conceded after an hour when the morale was low and the beer supply lower. Dan worried that they would all sober up by the time they got inside and no one would want to dance. His fear was quickly extinguished when the line started moving double-speed. 

Joni explained what a headphone disco is to those not in the know, “So, there are 2 DJs playing at the same time, you get headphones on the way in and there’s a little switch on one side so you can swap between channels.” Everyone seemed pretty satisfied with the explanation. “Oh, one more thing,” she said with a cheeky grin, “Whatever DJ has the most people on their channel at any one point – their drink of choice is $2 at the bar,” she hopped up and down with excitement. 

“You can drink in here?” Dan blurted out. Joni continued to grin.

“I know right, such a cool idea, Joni had to convince  _a lot_ of people this was a good idea,” Harry said, throwing his arm around her shoulders, looking at her proud as punch.

“Mate that’s fucking awesome,” Tom said high-fiving them both.

Inside the tent was rammed, unsurprisingly.  _With a bar inside, why would you ever leave?_  Masses of sweaty bodies all writhing together, dancing with their oversized headphones. It’s a surreal experience walking into a crowd of a hundred people all singing  _Sex on Fire_  a capella. 

“You look like a Jameson’s kind of guy,” Joni said to Dan handing him a plastic cup filled with whiskey and cola.

“Yeah that’s wicked, how did you know?” Joni laughed and shook her head, pointing behind him to a huge leader board, ‘WINNER DJ NIX. JAMESONS $2 NOW!’

“Oh,” he said laughing too.

“YES JONI!” Harry ran over and switched her headphones to a different channel. She screamed and they both jumped around head-banging and belting out the lyrics. Dan, curious, switched his channel and found a heavy-metal song that he didn’t know, but Woody probably would have.

Much preferring the first channel, Dan danced with his friends to the collection of indie-pop and hip-hop.  _Still D.R.E._  came on and the group got a little over-excited. This was their song. Tom threw Dan over his shoulder and paraded him around bouncing up and down the whole time. Whilst upside down he noticed Joni watching him, smiling and singing along. That felt really good. Once right side up Dan and Joni danced together, she was probably as bad at dancing as Dan. But they didn’t care. They had such a laugh dancing around like idiots and laughing at all their drunken friends.

Dan switched channels every now and again when it looked like Joni was really getting in to a song. He figured out that her first choice was really heavy rock stuff, bands that screamed and shouted, all guitars and drums. Which was really not his thing. One song she seemed to really like he later found out (asked Coop) was by  _Alexisonfire._ Joni and the blonde girl sang every lyric, jumping in the air and throwing their arms out wide. Everyone watched and applauded them when they were done, the two girls bowed and curtsied their imaginary skirts.

Aside from her emo tendencies, Dan and Joni seemed to massively agree on music. Especially hip-hop and what Joni and Harry described (screamed at each other) as “proper party bangers". 

Tom and the blonde girl, who Dan now knew was called April (she had a thick New York accent and “loved Kanye West more than life”) left to get food. Apparently Tom had been disgusted she’d never had chips and curry sauce, so they'd gone in hunt of a vendor. Dan didn't know where they were going to find that here but he didn't want to burst Tom's bubble. Coop had left too pointing out that some of them had real jobs to do and had to be up early in the morning.

By the early hours of the morning Dan was mostly left with just Joni and Harry's friends. They were really nice and never once made him feel weird or like he was encroaching on their group. But it was getting late and after  _House of Pain_  came on they decided to leave on a high.

“Come on slow coach!” Dan heard Harry shout behind him, Joni’s Doc Martins tied together and slung over his shoulder.

“Fuck off!” She was lying on the ground giving them both the finger. “This is where I live now!”

Harry turned to Dan and shrugged, "This is where she lives now". 

Dan wandered back over to her, she opened one eye when his shadow fell across her face. “Piggy-back?” He said holding a hand out to her. Dan didn’t know when he got so brave, but he was enjoying it.

He carried her back on his back. He got goose-bumps when she tucked the label of his t-shirt in and her fingers brushed his skin. Dan thought Joni probably noticed but he was too contented to care, with her chin on his shoulder and his hand on her leg. 

 

Dan didn't see Joni again the next day before they performed. Which was probably a good thing because he was horrifyingly hungover. Dan had spent most of the morning either avoiding direct sunlight or dying of cringe remembering his dancing. 

He did spot her back-stage once but she looked far too busy and important to interrupt. A decision he regretted almost instantly because straight after their performance the band were carted to the press tent. It was full to the brim with cameras and microphones and people talking over each other. Most were excited music bloggers or from specialist radio stations and magazines; trying to get some good quotes about the, "Phoenix festival that rose from the ashes - geddit? Because it's near Phoenix, and phoenixes rise from their own ashes har har har". 

There was the occasional journo from a bigger media outlet, but they quickly became bored and mildly frustrated at Dan's gushing praise for the organisers and all the other bands on the bill. It became apparent that certain people in the room were looking for a better story than, "little British band plays as the main support and somehow didn't suck".  _Sorry guys, no story here._  

Dan does one last quick loop of the back-stage area in an attempt to spot Joni. Despite having zero idea what he'd say when he actually saw her. Neither, “Hi, you are the first person I’ve crushed on since falling in love with my best friend”, or, “I like your face”, seemed to be quite right. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your outlook, he couldn’t find her. His search was cut short when Dick rang his phone and doesn't mince his words when he tells him to get his arse back to the bus, “now”. 


	4. Because I Like It When You Lose Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys, I'm sorry for the wait on this chapter. Writer's block is real. 
> 
> I've played real fast and loose with the Bastille time-line in this chapter, so just bear with me. 
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos and comments it really keeps me going! 
> 
> Anyway I'll shut up now... hope you enjoy!

*

Dan hadn't felt this good in a long time. He loved being back in London; sleeping in his own bed, seeing his family and friends. It was re-energising to be back in familiar territory and he took full advantage of being able to actually chill out, take some time to stretch his aching limbs and just breathe. 

He was writing more and recording more too. It turns out that when you're not all consumed by unrequited love for your best friend you can get quite a lot done. 

All week he had been in meetings. With the completely unexpected success of their recent singles, all was set for the album release date. Dan had finished up the production with his friend, Mark, and the label had signed off on it. This was happening. The label had even put Dan in contact with a few potential directors for a Pompeii video to be shot. 

"Fuck, this is like, really fucking happening," Kyle said when they'd come out of possibly the scariest meeting they'd ever had. All four of the band looked like deer in headlights. No one knew what to say. 

"I mean, it's not  _totally..._ unexpected?" Woody started but trailed off before getting to the point. 

"I know. So, why do I feel like I might be sick?" Dan knew what Woody meant, they had all quietly suspected that this was the next logical step. But for it to actually be happening was very different. 

"Do not let him near any fast food establishments!" Will quickly interjected. 

"The Lego sick!" Kyle laughed manically, and they all fell about lost in the memory, remembering the day they had first got signed, a moment that seemed like so long ago now. They had been for a few drinks, and a celebratory McDonald's. Dan however, had got so drunk that he'd instantly forgotten and then went around the corner and ate a Burger King. He then proceeded to throw-up everything, creating a sick mountain. Or, as the Bastille boys affectionately referred to it, the Lego sick. 

Dan laughed too, even though he was still mortifyingly embarrassed by the event. He felt a rush of affection towards them all. Woody doubled over, Will covering his face and Kyle wiping tears from his eyes, the break was doing everyone the world of good. The band and everyone they toured with seemed to be benefiting from the little bit of space. 

Tensions had been running pretty high by the time they'd finished the summer of festivals. Not that anything dramatic or exciting had happened, no arguments or fall-outs took place but by the time they all went their separate ways everyone was ready. 

He loved the band, they were brothers, they were best friends. But there is a limit to how much you can see the same faces day in day out without respite. It wasn't that Dan needed his own space, or craved a certain level of privacy - which was a good thing as his housemates had never had an issue with personal space or boundaries. 

Just that morning, whilst Dan was being really busy and important and definitely not watching Alan Partridge, Kate barged into his room. 

"Did you know it's Al's birthday this weekend?" She said in a panic, catching the door as it swung back on it's hinges before it hit her. 

"Oh, hi. Please do come right in," Dan said by way of an answer. 

"Seriously, it's Al's birthday. This weekend. Did you know?" Kate looked at him hopefully. She twiddled with her fingers in anticipation, waiting for him to pull something amazing out of his sleeve. Dan felt all of a sudden very guilty, he had had no idea. He tried to phone Sophie, but she was still on holiday, so that was a no go. 

 "Fuck, seriously. Dude we really dropped the ball. We are the worst housemates ever?" Kate said, biting her lip. 

A mini-tradition had started when they all lived together at Uni. Whilst living off Pot Noodles and Tesco Value wine, they would all chip in and buy birthday presents as a group. It had started mainly as a money-saving idea, plus it meant you got one pretty cool present rather than three naff ones from Poundland. But the ritual had continued, even though they all had a bit more money now. It was fun and they liked it. It was their tradition. So how could Dan have forgotten? Al was so good at getting presents for everyone else, how could he have been so self-centred? 

"We've got until Saturday, until the pub crawl. We'll be fine," Dan said firing his laptop up. 

"That's tomorrow dick'ead," Kate said in a hushed voice, her eyes widening as they heard the front door open and close. 

"Shit! Do we know anyone with Amazon Prime?" Dan whispered hurriedly. 

Without Sophie, Dan and Kate were terrible present buyers. They ended up getting Al a whole host of things that he really didn't need but had made them laugh or they thought were pretty cool. Including, but not exclusive to: A make your own candle set in burrito and hot sauce flavours (Dan's contribution); a throw pillow with Dan's face on it from Etsy (Kate's idea, Dan was more than a little convinced she'd been waiting for an excuse to buy it for a while), a Dot Cotton colouring book (from Sophie because she'd still not replied to their messages) and a fancy whiskey stone set with a personalised bottle of Laphroig (because there had to be at least one good present in the mix). 

All in all they were pretty happy with their selection. And by the look on Al's face when they'd finished singing happy birthday, he was pretty fucking stoked too. 

"Happy birthday mate!" Dan said pulling him into a big hug. "Hope you like you're presents!" 

"Yeah, they're awesome. Very... eclectic!" He laughed. Putting the bag of gifts on the table and grabbing Kate into a huge bear hug. 

Despite their 24 hours of present panic, the night had all the components of being a great night. The three housemates, plus a few friends had some drinks at their place before doing the rounds at their local South London watering holes. The plan was to meet up with various people on the way around. Including Kyle and Tom, even Ralph and his band mates were coming, as well as loads of Al's friends. 

They are having a wild time, everyone was in such good spirits. Dan was especially excited when they got to the third bar and Sophie was standing there looking all casual and tanned with not a care in the world. 

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Dan all but screamed in her face. 

"I got back a day early, I wanted to surprise you!" Dan couldn't believe it. Sophie had been away for the last few weeks Inter-railing with her sister. They hadn't seen each other since he'd got back from tour. It really was terrible timing on her half, something Dan had made sure to tell her. 

He ran to give her a huge hug, looking round wildly for Kate. He spotted her walking through the door with a conspiratorial grin on her face. 

"You fucking knew!" He yelled, not letting go of Sophie.  

"How did you think I knew where to find you guys?" Sophie's voice came muffled from Dan's chest. He was so fucking happy she was here. He had really missed her and they had so much to catch up on. He knew he shouldn't, but he didn't care, he monopolised her company for the next several hours. Kate whinged at one point, saying it was her turn for Soph-lovins. 

"You get her the whole time I'm away, now back off!" Dan joked, poking his tongue out and pushing her away. Sophie told him all about her adventures back-backing across Europe for the last month; all the tourist hot-spots, the best places to eat, all the bars and clubs. 

"I know I'm probably teaching you to suck eggs. You've been to all these places. Is there anywhere you haven't been now?" She joked, bumping him slightly with her shoulder. 

"You're funny. I haven't been to _all_ the places, plus we only really get a day or so anywhere," he replied, pushing her back. It was a pet-peeve for the whole tour crew, they hated visiting these amazing cities and not getting to actually see anything there. 

"To be fair, that was a little bit like us. We had so much to cram into one month we limited ourselves to 2-3 days in any one place. Speed tourism is where it's at!" Dan nodded before pulling her into another hug. 

"I'm so glad you're here," he said again. They talked about what Dan and the band had been up to, he told her about getting a release date for the album and his idea for a listening party, even though he found the idea pretty cringe-inducing. Sophie responded ever enthusiastically; shaking him excitedly and spouting a fountain of ideas for it.

They talked about a guy she'd been seeing for a while but that had fizzled. She asked him about his love life to which he just scrunched up his nose and shook his head. What could he say? _Hey Soph, guess what? Over the last year or so I've become increasingly obsessed with my best friend, so I'm probably gay, but it's weird because I talked to this one girl at a festival and I'd totally bang her too so that's a thing. Turns out there's hope in these old bones yet!_

"We're going to die alone," Sophie laughed. 

"Alone together!" Dan cheered and lifted his beer.

"Alone together!" Sophie echoed and they clinked their bottles, laughing at their sorry state. 

Dan had been thinking a lot lately about telling Sophie about Kyle, but with him having a girlfriend and, you know, being straight. He thought better of it. The thing with Sophie is that she and Dan had known each other such a long time that keeping something from her did feel like lying. But at the same time he knew exactly what she'd say, so why bother? Firstly she would berate him for not telling her sooner, she would tell him it's OK and that he can be whatever he wants and she'd still love him. Then she would lovingly, but sternly, tell him to get over Kyle because it was never going to happen and scold him for being a sucker for punishment. 

Kate came over to them to demand that she take Sophie now, Dan obliged and the two wandered out into the smoking area. Dan looked around the group, there had been a wicked turnout and everyone was pretty drunk by this point. Kyle was sitting at the next table talking to a girl that Dan didn't know. 

A pang of annoyance and jealousy struck Dan. He knew it was ridiculous but watching Kyle flirt always riled him. She was small and blonde and really pretty, very Kyle's type. The bar was loud and busy, but not so busy that no one could see them. What was Kyle thinking? He had a girlfriend. They were in a room of all their friends, friends that knew Janna. How did he think he was going to get away with this?

The girl threw her head back, laughing, her eyes crinkled and she touched his leg. Kyle had to lean in close to say something, practically cheek to cheek. Her hand moved to his arm, Kyle's to her waist. 

"Are you OK?" A quiet voice said from next to Dan. He looked to his right to see a pretty, but shy girl he was fairly sure was called Elle. She was one of Al's friends and they had met her once or twice before but never really spoke. Dan remembered her being nice and pleasant enough but in a group full of extroverts, people like Elle tend to be more spectators. 

"Er, yeah, sorry," Dan stuttered, tearing his eyes away from Kyle. His fists had been balled so tight he suddenly realised they were aching. He shook them out and looked to Elle. She nodded and went back to her beer. Dan went back to staring at Kyle. "He's got a girlfriend," Dan said surprising even himself. 

Elle followed his eye-line, "It looks like they're just friends to me," she said giving him a small smile. Dan scoffed and downed his beer. He needed another drink. 

Dan waited impatiently at the bar, he had a feeling the bar staff were ignoring him due to his mildly intoxicated state. But he needed another, this is how he'd learnt to deal with these feelings. He drowned them in alcohol until he became the upbeat, social-butterfly he missed being. 

When he felt a hand on his back he knew instinctively it was Kyle, the one person he could really do without right now. 

"M'lord," he said to Dan, raising a hand that the barman instantly acknowledged. 

"Squire," Dan replied with a quick nod, sounding more sullen than he'd intended. 

"What's up dude?" Kyle asked. Dan just shrugged in return. They stood in companionable silence for a moment or so until Kyle ordered them both a beer. Kyle stood sipping from his bottle and leaning against the bar. Dan tried not to watch him but the alcohol was making fighting his needs quite hard. If he wasn't so pissed off with Kyle, this was the part of the evening they would be dancing and hanging all over each other, laughing at their little inside jokes and being generally unbearable to everyone but themselves. But not tonight. Tonight all he saw when he looked at Kyle was annoyance and bitterness. 

"Who's the girl?" Dan said after some time. 

"There it is!" Kyle replied winking at Dan. "Just a friend, well I don't know actually. Think she knows Ben?" He shrugged. Dan knew that Kyle had been waiting for him to ask. He could tell by the way he was standing, hovering, waiting for Dan to break and blurt out what was irritating him. To admit what was niggling the back of his mind, biting at his heels. Kyle had probably caught Dan scowling at them. 

"What about Janna?" He said in the most nonchalant voice he could muster. Which wasn't at all nonchalant and came out like a bark. 

"What about her?" Kyle replied with a grin, that everyone else read as charming but all Dan saw was his smug face and his kiss me mouth and come to bed eyes. _No!_

Dan shook his head, collecting his thoughts, "Mate, what are you doing? Her friends are here. Someone will tell her. I'll tell her!" 

"Come on, Dan. We were just talking," Kyle cut him off as he started to wind himself up. "It's OK," he continued, his voice was soft and he was smiling. Kyle looked at him almost reassuringly, a hand on Dan's arm. Dan was being a dick and he knew it, but Kyle was being so nice. Which was in fact annoying him more. There was a small, rational part of Dan's brain that knew he wasn't really pissed at Kyle, he was pissed at himself. He had to get over this school-boy crush before it fucked everything up. Before _he_ fucked everything up. 

Dan didn't really care that Kyle was flirting with a girl. He wasn't even flirting, just talking. He wasn't worried about Kyle's relationship. Kyle and Janna were perfect together. _Just fucking perfect._

Dan shrugged Kyle's hand off his arm.

"Dan, talk to me, are you OK?"

"Yeah, sorry mate," Dan took a deep breath and composed himself, "Yeah, I'm fine."  

He had been doing so well, getting out of his slump and not getting stuck in his own head. He didn't want to let this little blip harm his hard-earned progress. 

"You sure?" Kyle said with a big grin. He pulled him into a brief one-armed hug before clapping him on the back and walking back to his table. Dan hung back for a second watching as Kyle resumed his chair and presumably his conversation with the pretty blonde girl. 

When Dan finally made his way to his seat he caught eyes with Elle and noticed how she blushed a little and looked away when he gave a small wave. 

 

*

 

Never underestimate how fragile the male ego is. Dan really liked talking to Elle that night. He knew even at the time that it was horribly superficial, but she was pretty and sweet. She laughed at his jokes even when they weren't that funny. He liked that she had seen his favourite films and even though she'd hated them all, she listened to his hyperbolic explanations as to why they were each a work of genius in their own right. 

Dan liked that she was as awkward as he was and the small moments of silence in their conversation felt more comfortable than not. He liked how she blushed when he touched her leg and got a little flustered when he complimented her, which he did a lot because he was nervous and she was really quite pretty. 

He bought her a drink and she smiled and laughed as he talked. It felt really good to flirt and be flirted with. Dan was historically awful at picking up signals but even he could tell that Elle liked him. And that felt really fucking good. No games, no overthinking, no self-doubt or self-loathing. Elle liked him and Dan liked her, enough. 

She nodded enthusiastically when he asked her if she wanted to share a taxi and bit her lip when he pushed the hair out of her face. He kissed her as they got to her front door and they didn't even make it to the bedroom before they started leaving a trail of discarded clothes. 

She reached into a drawer for a condom when they were making out on her bed, dry-humping like teenagers because Dan was stressing about how to make the next move. Elle breathed his name and dug her nails in his back when she came and nodded silently when she caught him sneaking out the next morning. 

 

"There he is, our wandering hero!" Sophie cheered sarcastically when Dan failed to sneak into the house without being seen. 

"More like dirty stop-out," Kate corrected. Dan cringed at their comments. There was a small consolation that they both looked as bad as he felt. 

"Good night?" He questioned, looking at their bleary eyes and pasty complexions. 

They both had their questions about where he had disappeared to the night before, though the general assumption was that he'd pulled. But Dan refused to give them any information. 

"I didn't believe it!" Sophie insisted, "It's so unlike you". 

"I didn't believe it because you're crap at getting laid," Kate said, "We didn't even know you'd gone until Kyle was asking everyone where you'd gone". 

The three sat in the living room, bundled under blankets and duvets eating away their hangovers with delivery pizza and every snack in the house they'd managed to hunt down. Dan's bilious stomach churned when Sophie mentioned Al. 

Dan already felt bad for last night. It was shallow and gross, quite frankly. But it had also been a little bit ... _awesome?_   He had thrown caution to the wind and done something hedonistic and reckless. Not that sleeping with Elle was that reckless when he thought about it, it's not like she was a complete random that was going to turn out to be a murderer once he got back to her house. But she was one of his best friends' mates and that seemed like a recipe for disaster. 

He hadn't yet thought about Al this morning. Not only had Dan left his birthday party early without saying goodbye he'd taken his friend home with him. There was a whole plethora of things Dan was not proud of himself for. 

Al eventually surfaced mid-afternoon and looked even more delicate than the girls. He appeared in the living room doorway wrapped in a blanket squinting against the daylight. Kate tapped the sofa next to her and he gladly curled up with his head in her lap. 

Dan apologised for skipping out early but failed to mention Elle. Al waved off his apology, assuring Dan that he was far too drunk to notice he'd even left, his memory of the night ending somewhere between 11 and midnight. 

"What time did you leave?" Al asked. 

"Probably about 1, at a guess. What time did you guys stay out?" 

"About 4 but that doesn't matter!" Kate all but wailed. "I want to hear about Dan's night!" She clearly wasn't going to let this drop. All eyes were on Dan, Al even poked his head out of his blanket cocoon. 

"Absolutely not!" Dan laughed at them, scowling at the vultures circling for information. 

"Oh come on! I'm going through a dry spell, it might be good material for Bellend De Jour," Kate said fluttering her long eyelashes at him. He wasn't falling for it. 

Dan pretended to consider her offer for all of two seconds before he told her to fuck off. 

"You went home with someone last night?" Al questioned. The three looked at each other with wide eyes, all of them having assumed Al would know. 

"Er, yeah. Um, Elle?" Dan said slowly trying to gauge his reaction. 

"Oh good for you man, she's hot," He said laying his head back down, the effort of speaking clearly too much for his fragile state. A flood of relief ran through Dan. 

"You have to at least give us some details," Sophie insisted. 

"What do you want to know? You pervs." Dan conceded slightly, now he knew that Al didn't care about his sex life. 

"Did you do anything weird?" Kate immediately jumped in. 

"Are you going to see her again?" Sophie asked with an encouraging smile.  

"How come you were back so early?" Kate asked after a moment of consideration. 

"No. Um... no? And I... sneaked out," Dan said regretting every word more than the one before it. 

"Oh, Dan. No," Sophie said frowning and shaking her head. 

There wasn't much to say after that. Sophie seemed pretty disappointed in him, even Kate didn't seem to hugely approve. Which Dan thought was rich considering her extremely liberal view of sexual conduct. 

"I never sneak out!" She insisted, "Everyone I sleep with is well aware that I don't do after care". 

Sophie laughed at Kate before turning her eyes on Dan, "I'm just saying, I'm all for sleeping around as long as both parties know what they're in for and no one is being taken advantage of." 

"Oh my god," Dan said scoffing at them all, "It was one time!" He said, Sophie held her hands up in defeat. He felt bad because he knew she was right and he had already had this exact conversation with himself on the walk home. 

"Hey, Al," Kate said speaking softly, cradling his head that was still in her lap, "You don't care if Dan fucks all your friends, right?" Al's muffled groans came by way of an answer. "He says, don't be a dick and you should text her at least," Kate said with a little edge in her voice. 

Dan rolled his eyes, wondering if everyone got this much hassle from their mates after a one-night stand. 

 

Dan had never been one to seek the comfort of strangers but over the weeks that followed he seemed to make an exception, or two. 

Their singles were in the charts, the tour was set to sell out and with the release of the album on the very near horizon they were busy. The busier the band got the more it seemed that parties and drinking and socialising was more and more a part of their job. A part of their job none of them were about to argue with. It became almost routine. Another show, another bar, another hit, another high, another pair of lips, eyes, taxi, bed. 

In the same way that Dan was beginning to crave the momentary high that came from getting plastered with his friends and dancing the night away. He was craving the high that the flirtation gave him, the thrill of the chase. It was disgusting and he knew that what he was doing was horrible. 

"Have fun last night, Danny Boy?" Kyle asked as he hooked up his laptops and keyboards. They were all gathered at their practise studio to work out some acoustic arrangements for their upcoming promotional tour. 

"Yeah, I had a good time," Dan said cheerfully. 

"I bet you did," Kyle said, sounding a little accusatory. At that moment Will and Woody walked in. 

"What's going on here?" Woody asked sensing the tone. 

"What was her name?" Will laughed slyly. Kyle shook his head as he continued fiddling with wires. 

"No, that's not-" 

"Don't pretend you remember," Will cut him off giving a playful nudge. 

"You dirty dog!" Woody clapped him on the back. 

They continued to rib him for most of the rehearsal and surprisingly Dan didn't hate it. It was playful and good spirited. Will even complimented him on being much better company since he started getting laid on the regular, which encouraged a far too graphic comment from Woody and Dan's, "blue balls". 

In typical macho-guy fashion there was a period where they all tried to one-up each other on stories but it was all in good fun. It wasn't the most productive practise they'd ever had. Coop shouted at them at one point when he was trying to test the sound in their ear pieces but they were all laughing too much to pay any attention. Not the best rehearsal ever, but it was probably one of the most fun. 

It was only when Dan was waiting for the bus, his hoody pulled tight around him and his headphones plunged into his ears, did he think about Kyle. Dan was laughing to himself about Woody's story about catastrophically striking out with Chrissy before they eventually got together, when he tried to think of any stories Kyle had told today. But he hadn't told any. He hadn't joined in when the other guys ganged up and ribbed Dan either. In fact he'd hardly been there at all. Sure, he was physically there and playing the songs with them but he hadn't really spoken all day. Dan hadn't noticed until now because Will had enough stories for all of them put together, before he met his current girlfriend he'd been a bit of a man about town, so had dominated the conversation. Add to the mix Woody's constant barrage of insults and perfectly timed put downs, they had kept Dan on his toes all day. 

"You alright, dude?" Dan said down the phone to Kyle. 

"Yeah, what's up?" 

"You didn't seem yourself today. Making sure you're OK". 

"All good mate."

"Cool, well, see you tomorrow?"

"Yep. Bye." And with that he put the phone down.

Dan felt a little taken a back by the shortness of the conversation. Kyle had sounded fine, cheerful even. But there was something left niggling at Dan that he couldn't quite put his finger on. 


	5. If Heaven is a Prison, I am Your Prisoner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :)  
> The response to the last chapter was unbelievable and thoroughly undeserved and unexpected.  
> Thank you all so much for being so kind and generous, all the comments and kudos are very very much appreciated so thank you so much! 
> 
> As always this is a work of fiction so its all lies and is generally a load of rubbish. 
> 
> I'll shut up now, thanks again! xxx

 

*

 

"Oi, oi! What the fuck are you doing here?" Will's voice uncharacteristically boomed across the crowded back-stage area. The band were about to go on stage and were jittery with nerves and excitement. Dan was bobbing up and down, shaking out his limbs and doing embarrassing vocal warm ups. 

Hyde Park, London was easily the biggest stage they'd ever played on. Even if no one actually turned up for their set, it was still an achievement. A fact that Dan had pointed out several times that day. The other bands on the bill were fucking insane too, he couldn't believe they were actually allowed to play there. 

"Will!" A familiar voice called. Dan turned just as Joni rushed past him into Will's waiting arms. "So glad I caught you before you went on, my eyes nearly fell out of my fucking head when I saw your name on the line up. Confratu-fucking-lations, dude!" She said punching him playfully on the arm. 

"It is awfully surreal," he grinned widely, "I suppose you're working?" 

"Guilty, so much for my plan to take some time off after the absolute mayhem that was this summer," She explained, Will nodded knowingly. 

Dan and the guys had run into Joni once or twice since their initial meeting in Phoenix. Joni was a promoter and event organiser. Her work took her all over running festivals and large scale events, she'd also done a bit of work with individual bands promoting tours and setting up gigs. Their work lives were very similar, never in the same place very long and perpetually living out of a suitcase. Joni seemed to enjoy the nomadic lifestyle, rather than crave home like Dan did. 

"Come find me after the show, OK? We need to catch up!" She said, pointing a finger into Will's chest.  She turned and spotted Dan, "Hi Dan," she smiled and gave him a little wave. 

 

After the show the band were hanging out with the crew, it had been amazing and they were all buzzing. They downed beers and talked excitedly to get ready to head out and watch some of the other,  _better_ , bands on the bill. 

"Joni's just text, she's going to meet us out there," Will said to the group.

"How?" Dan demanded before he could stop himself.  

"Because she has my number?" Will laughed, an invitation for everyone else to do so. 

"W-why?" Dan stuttered, hyper-aware that he was embarrassing himself. The room had stopped and was now watching this little interaction keenly.  

"Because we're friends," Will laughed again out of confusion and amusement.   

"And unlike  _some_  people, Will can close," Kyle offered, not looking up from his phone.  

"Dude, no," Will shook his head and threw a disgusted look, "Gross."

An irrational irritation rose in Dan, an almost protectiveness, which was stupid because he had no right to do so. All the same, he didn't like Will talking like that about Joni. But of course he didn't want Will to  _like_ Joni either. Will couldn't like Joni, Dan liked Joni.  _Wait_. Dan liked Joni.  _Well great._  

Will must have noticed the small frown creep across Dan's face because he reiterated again, that he  _and_ his girlfriend were friends with Joni. Dan nodded and wondered when he had become so sensitive that his friends had to treat him so delicately.  

Dan walked with Will and Woody to meet Joni, his plan being to say hello, check-in with her and then go to meet Kyle and the rest of the guys. Will and Woody wanted to watch the main-stage headliner, a band that Dan was thoroughly uninterested in. 

They spotted Joni at one of the bars, he waved but she was deep in conversation with a man with a beard and a moustache to rival even Kyle's. He had his arm tightly around her shoulders and was leaning low to hear what she was saying. They could hear his loud, hearty chuckle even as they approached, Joni nodded eagerly and was looking at him starry eyed. 

Suddenly Woody stopped walking, holding out his arm to stop Dan and Will too. 

"You alright, Wood?" Dan asked. But Woody was too excited to explain at first but quickly began jabbering about the guy Joni was with being a fucking legend and having a bit of a mental fit about whether to interrupt them or not. 

The three guys ended up just sort of hovering like idiots about a meter or so away. The guy wrapped Joni up into a big hug and kissed her on the cheek. Dan recognised the man but couldn't figure out where from, he was wearing sunglasses even though it was dark and had a long earring dangling from one ear. As he walked away he fist bumped Woody, who looked like he might cry, and lifted his glasses to wink at Dan. Dan looked to Woody to ask who it was but he had already run off and was manhandling Joni for information. 

"How the fuck do you know Jesse Hughes?" Woody practically screamed in her face shaking her shoulders excitedly. 

"I don't!" She gasped, looking completely dumbstruck. "He just came over and was like, 'Well darlin'," she put her hands on her hips and put on a thick Southern American accent, "'I've seen you runnin' around here all day. Don't work too hard now'. I'm glad you guys saw it because I can't believe that just fucking happened!" She bounced excitedly as she spoke, her voice several octaves higher than usual. 

Dan chuckled watching her and Woody fangirl over the charming front man. Joni was still shaking as they relived the encounter again and again, Woody demanding more details every time. 

"I can't believe Jesse from  _Eagles of Death Metal_  knows who I am! I mean, he doesn't know my name or anything about me, but he saw me. He  _noticed_ me," she said, actually fanning herself. 

After she'd calmed down somewhat, Joni became a little embarrassed about how starstruck she was, but the guys all comforted her and insisted that they were all just as bad. 

"I should not be allowed to be around famous people!" Dan insisted, leading into a story about when he and Sophie tried to interview Regina Spektor. But instead of asking her any questions, the pair talked at her for fifteen minutes about how much they loved her, before she was swiftly taken away. Woody called him an idiot and Will offered his own story about when he met David Hasslehoff. 

They stocked up on beers and found a good place in the crowd, discussing the other bands on the bill and getting excited about the headliner, the three had been waxing lyrical for the last hour. Even as they danced and drank and sang to the two other acts on before them, every break between songs they were talking animatedly about which songs they were going to play and what the encore was going to be. 

"Dan's not a fan," Will outed him to Joni. 

"I can see that," she said eyeing him up and down, "you're far too cool, right?" she winked at him before turning her attention back to Woody and Will. "I hope they play  _Higher Ground!"_

"They won’t," Woody shook his head. He downed his beer and stacked his full cup inside the empty one. 

"A girl can dream!" Joni shot back. 

The last band had finished and the jovial voices of crowd grew around them. Dan looked at his watch, he should really go and try and find Kyle, he didn't know why he was staying, he had already missed  _Sub Focus,_ and  _Disclosure_ would be on any minute. 

Joni nudged him with her hip, "I hear congratulations is in order?" Dan looked at her with slight confusion not knowing what she was talking about, "A little birdy told me you have a release date for album. That's fantastic!"

"Fantastic or terrifying?" He joked. She rolled her eyes animatedly and started to say something when a huge, almighty roar ascended into the air. The lights of the stage dimmed and the crowd screamed even louder. Joni turned to the stage and back to Dan wild-eyed and grinning like a Cheshire Cat. 

An epic, funky bass-line rang out followed by some fast, dirty guitars. The singer cried out into the microphone and the crowd went wild. 

"It's the fucking  _Chili's_ , dude!" Woody's smile rivalled Joni's. Will grinned happily, nodding his head to the beat, his eyes that had been previously lazy and drunk were now bright and alert. 

Everyone was drunk and dancing around like fools, Dan thought he had never seen Will look so happy. He and Joni performed amazing air-bass impressions, Will's 'funk-face' really was something of beauty, and Joni’s hair was a whirlwind of movement. This should have been Dan's nightmare, surrounded by these fools and this music but he was having an amazing time. 

Dan had begrudgingly accepted Will and Woody's fondness for the  _Red Hot Chili Peppers_  but to be honest, he really didn't like them. So no one was more surprised than Dan that he was actually enjoying it and knew so many of the songs. 

Joni was completely lost in the music, "They are my favourites!" She kept saying over and over. She was a huge fan when she was young, and this was the first time she'd ever seen them live. Her excitement was palpable, Dan could actually  _feel_ how much she was loving life in that moment. He couldn't take his eyes off her as he spun her around and around until they were both dizzy and out of breath. 

A slower song started up that Dan didn't recognise, Joni stood clutching her hands to her chest, not taking her eyes off the stage, she looked like she was about to cry and Dan thought it might be the most pure, honest thing he had ever witnessed. He stood next to her, not wanting to ruin the moment but just needing to be a part of it. She glanced at him and he caught her eye, her cheeks blushed slightly. 

"I'm such a mess, how embarrassing," she joked. Dan nudged her a little and gave her a big smile. 

"It's not embarrassing, it's awesome," He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, standing behind her and they swayed to the music. It didn't go unnoticed the way she leaned into him and rubbed his arm. Will slung one arm over Dan and the other around Woody. Dan looked at Joni, and to two of his best friends as they watched, awestruck at the stage. The four shared one of those rare, precious moments where everything fits and it just feels right.  

For the encore the band suddenly reappeared and immediately jumped into a fast paced particularly funky number. The crowd around them went crazy; everyone jumping and screaming. 

 "Me and my, me and my, me and my friends!" Will and Joni shouted the lyrics to each other. Their smiles so wide they were verging on manic. Joni hugged Will, practically jumped into his arms. He picked her up and spun her around, her squeals of delight ringing out. Their enthusiasm was contagious, Dan and Woody danced and laughed along with them.  

"Yes Dan!" Woody smacked him on the back, "Come on! Get on," he said bending down down and crawling between Dan's legs.

Dan called out, surprised as Woody unsteadily stood and Dan rose above the crowd, his beer sloshed dangerously in the paper cup. He looked down to see if Joni was watching. She was. She and Will were whooping and hollering, watching Dan bob up and down atop Woody's shoulders. Joni put her fingers between her lips and let out the loudest, piercing wolf-whistle,  _a woman of many talents_. 

She looked excitedly at Will, who was one step ahead of her. In a much slicker move than Woody's attempt Joni was on his shoulders and level with Dan. She was grinning from ear to ear, with both arms outstretched towards Dan. Joni laced her fingers with his, laughing as they bounced up and down above the crowd. 

"This is the best night ever!" Joni screamed. Dan agreed enthusiastically as they danced and swayed.  

Woody stumbled a little as a drunk dancer crashed into him. Dan fell back pulling Joni's arm and breaking free. She looked at him confused but amused. There was no time to apologise before Woody fell again and Dan went slamming into Joni. Their beers went flying and soaked them both. She managed to catch Dan by the arms and tried to steady him whilst laughing hysterically. Her efforts were futile as Woody's legs gave out and Dan tumbled down to the ground, pulling Joni down with him. 

The four of them, plus a couple of unlucky revellers, were a tangle on the floor. Will tried to help Dan up but they were both weak with laughter. 

"Ow, ow," Woody said holding his side, "Don't make me laugh, it hurts," he said trying to suppress his own chuckles. 

Their joyful voices rang out as they made their way to the small back stage area where the others had already gathered. 

"Look at the state of you lot!" Dick said shaking his head, laughing at the mess of drunks in front of him. The four talked over each other, all excitedly trying to explain the night's events.

"There you are!" Kyle said, arms thrown wide as he entered the room, "Where were you? You missed  _Outkast_.  _Outkast_ , dude," he said emphasising the name. "Wait what the hell happened to you?" He said looking Dan up and down, pulling at the shoulder of his wet t-shirt. 

"Oi! Get that crazed fan out of here!" Will shouted pointing at the door. Joni came in wearing a Bastille merch t-shirt. Dan's stomach dropped, Erica from their management team had given it to her to wear instead of her beer-soaked one. Dan felt his cheeks flush, there was something really embarrassing to Dan about seeing her wear his bands' t-shirt. There was something innately embarrassing about being in a band for Dan. 

"Ohmygod it's Will from Bastille!" she screamed running at him. 

"Ah, I see," Kyle said almost under his breath. 

Dan tore his eyes away from Joni and looked at Kyle, frowning, "What?" 

"Nothing, classic New Dan innit," Kyle replied, "Wouldn't want to get in the way of you getting laid, don't worry". 

"I-" Dan started but Kyle walked away.

Dan tried to shake off what Kyle said, not wanting to let it kill his good mood. He tried to pretend that he didn't know what Kyle meant. But it was useless. Kyle thought that he'd not met him because he was trying to get laid. Kyle was understandably annoyed, but that wasn't the case, was it? It didn't feel like that to Dan. It felt different with Joni. It wasn't about sex, well, maybe a little. But it was about more than that. Or was it? Dan didn't even know anymore. 

He thought he liked Joni, she was smart and sharp and made him laugh. She made fun of him and didn't let him take himself too seriously. Sometimes he felt like he needed that. But in truth, what if Dan wasn't capable of any feelings deeper than lust. It had certainly been working so far. 

His head was a mess. He lamented Kyle for being able to fuck with his head so easily, and he didn't even know it. Which was the worst part. Dan had been getting over this ruinous obsession with Kyle, this confusing, constant questioning off his feelings and sexuality. One throw-away comment from Kyle and Dan was spiralling again.

Dan watched as Kyle's mood instantly lifted when he sat with Dick, Erica and the guys. He sipped his beer and joked around. His smiling face lit up the room, it was so kind and warm and free-spirited. Dan looked around the room, everyone was smiling and laughing and joking too. As usual it was only Dan bringing the mood down, not that anyone had noticed. 

"Hey, Bastille Dan can I get your autograph?" Will and Joni appeared in front of him. Will had Joni on his back, they had been tearing around the room and were now grinning madly a little out of breath.  

"Stop it," Dan said in a harsh tone. Their faces fell.

"Dude!" Will chastised as Joni slid to the floor. She hung her head a little, like a scolded child, and played with the hem of her t-shirt. She was still wearing the Bastille t-shirt. Against all reason and logic it really irritated Dan. He shrugged off his grey hoody and held it out to her. 

"Here," he said. 

She looked up and took the hoody, meeting his eye, "Thanks," she said not breaking the stare. Her face was hard to read but there was something knowing in her eyes. 

 

*

 

Will, Woody and Dan were still talking about the show the next day. Everyone was still on a high as they piled into the mini-bus, en route to a radio station to play a couple of songs. 

"Are you a converted _Chilies_ fan?" Woody asked. 

"I wouldn't say I was a convert but last night was wicked," Dan grinned, not even trying to hide his enthusiasm. 

"Are you talking about the band or the girl though?" Woody countered, earning himself a water bottle to the head. 

Dan had finally managed to get over himself and enjoy the rest of the night. He had apologised to Joni who shrugged off his comment and zipped up the hoody over the logo. Dan never thought he'd be so obvious as to find it so attractive to see other people wear his clothes, but it turns out he's a never ending stereotype. It reminded him of the time Kyle's luggage was lost on a flight and he spent a week borrowing Dan's t-shirts. That was a good week. 

"Have you asked for Joni's number yet?" Will asked, as supportive as ever. 

"'Course he fucking hasn't," the three turned their heads to the doorway as Kyle climbed inside the van and slid the side door shut. He slumped down next to Dan.

"She's going to think you don't like her," Will piped up from the back slowly, gauging the reaction. 

"Are we actually talking about this? I'm having Primary School flashbacks," Dan could feel his cheeks turning red. 

"What the fuck were you doing in Primary School?" Woody demanded, Dan laughed loudly and flipped Woody the finger. _Dick'ead_

The whole situation was a mess, Dan didn't want to talk about Joni. The tension in the car since Kyle's arrival was palpable and to top it all off he was now suddenly very aware of how close Kyle was to him. Kyle looked like he had been slapped, or dumped or something.

Dan watched him out of the corner of his eye. He wanted to reach out to him like he used to; he wanted to put a comforting hand on his knee or give him a little nudge and ask if he was OK. The temptation was almost overwhelming. But things were different now. Dan didn't know exactly when they changed but it was becoming increasingly obvious that they had. It was only a matter of time until someone else noticed. 

Over the past weeks Kyle had become reserved and would snap at Dan at every opportunity. Dan tried to be patient and not take it personally, be it sure felt personal. At first Dan hadn't realised that it only seemed to be him Kyle had an issue with, but he slowly started to notice and now he couldn't shrug it off. Every conversation was littered with snipes and passive aggressive comments. 

Dan felt awful, torn between being annoyed and trying to help. Kyle had been so good to him when he'd gone through his 'blue period' as he'd nicknamed it. Kyle had put it down to the stress of being on the road, little did he know. Dan had been a royal pain in the arse, moody, getting drunk all the time, and he took it all out on Kyle. And Kyle had been there for him. He was a small light in the dark that was Dan's mind. A constant smiling presence, no matter how much Dan tried to push him away. 

Now it was Dan's turn to be there for Kyle, but he didn't know how. It didn't help that Kyle wouldn't tell him what was wrong. Every time Dan tried to speak to him he would shrug him off or shoot him down. 

Dan thought about the previous night and a guilty, sick kind of feeling sunk into his stomach. Kyle had really wanted to go to the gig together and Dan had ditched him. Dan really was an arse, he knew Kyle was going through something, and he still chose to go party with other people instead. 

Kyle yawned quietly and settled deeper into his seat. Dan touched his arm lightly, "You alright?" 

Kyle looked at his arm, where Dan's fingers still rested, and then up to Dan in surprise. A small smile threatened to break through before he frowned and pulled his arm away. 

"Yeah fine," he mumbled, pulling his hood up and hiding his face from view. 

"I could always give you Joni's number, I hate to repeat myself, but I do have it," S _ee, Will, ever supportive. Dick'ead_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. is everyone ok with the chapters lengths? Should I split them up a bit more? I know they're quite long :|


	6. While The Waves Were Dragging Me Underneath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warning***  
> Explicit content ... pretty much from this chapter onward, I'd say. 
> 
> Lots of swears as per usual, Dan has a potty mouth.  
> Plus, how does the saying go - this chapter contains adult themes and sexual content from the onset and throughout (so pretty much all the good stuff) 
> 
> You have been warned <3

_*_

 

_Weeks, weeks he's been ignoring me and now he's acting like he's my best fucking buddy all of a sudden?_

Dan was fuming. Or at least, he would be if he wasn't so desperate for the attention. The past weeks had been torture. Kyle had been distant, elusive. He ignored Dan as much as possible, avoided him and only acknowledged him when absolutely necessary. 

Just the day before they had been out drinking after a full day of interviews and radio performances, Dan temporarily forgot that he and Kyle were sort of, maybe, fighting. He threw his arm around Kyle for a group photo and he practically jumped out of his skin, shoving Dan away like he was made of fire. Kyle, somehow, even managed to put Coop and Woody between them for the photo. It really hurt, but Kyle simply looked over his shoulder and threw him a dismissive, "sorry mate, didn't see you there". 

Dan was still reeling from the incident the next day. He was so done with this whole situation. He didn't need Kyle. He was getting enough attention from other people, he didn't need to be pining over someone who clearly didn't want him. Could never want him. Hell, at the moment it seemed like Kyle didn't even  _like_ him. 

That was until Dan arrived at the rehearsal studio, it was late in the afternoon and supposed to be their day off. But as usual band commitments had to come first. As soon as Dan walked through the door Kyle's dulcet tones exploded around him. 

"Here he is! Our very own movie star!" Kyle rejoiced as Dan walked into the room, "Come here, Daniel Craig! I'm such a huge fan," he laughed and patted the sofa next to him.  _What the fuck?!_

"Do not compare  _him_ to that god-like creature!" Will protested. 

After weeks of waiting the Pompeii video was finally ready. The record label had sent them a preview copy ahead of general release the following week. Dan was quietly excited. He'd loved the idea of setting the video in this surreal, derelict city within a dystopian, post-apocalyptic world. He couldn't wait to shoot it. That was, up until he got to the set, only to be told that he was the main character. Not only did he have to act  _and_ lip-sync... he had to run. Easily three of his top ten most hated things. 

Thankfully the director had assured him that he wouldn't actually be in it that much.

"Your hair looks really good," Kyle said quietly as the video started. Dan's hand automatically rubbed the back of his neck. It had been a while but he still wasn't used to the shaved hair he found there. He missed his long wild hair, but even he had to admit it looked better short. 

By the time the final shot played out, a close-up of his face with black eyes and quiff blowing in the wind, Dan actually thought he might die of cringe. There was a long pause after it finished, the guys waiting a moment before all bursting into raucous laughter. 

Dan couldn't help it, he fell apart laughing as well. 

"Every shot was you Dan!" Will was holding his stomach and tears pricked in his eyes. 

"It's awesome!" Kyle said and everyone agreed. 

"Yeah it's great... apart from your running," Woody added. 

"Well, yeah that goes without saying," Kyle laughed. He nudged Dan with his elbow and gave him a little wink. 

The guys continued to laugh and rib Dan for his incredible acting skills. They insisted on watching it again and again, eventually managing to have a half-decent discussion on it. Over a few beers it was agreed that the video was actually pretty fucking sweet (Dan's acting aside) and Dan rang the label to pass on their approval. It probably wasn't the best idea to talk to your bosses when you are a few drinks worse for wear, but they didn't seem to notice and thanked Dan for his quick response. 

The guys decided to reconvene at the pub down the road. They were all on their way to drunk at that point and didn't want to let the good mood end. 

Kyle was back to his energetic, over-friendly self. He was talking to Dan like nothing had happened, he was happy and talkative, commanding the conversation. Kyle was actively getting Dan involved, asking for his input and opinion on various matters as they set the world to rights. Dan hated how good it felt to have his Kyle back, he was practically glowing under Kyle's gaze. He was complimentary and tactile and everything Dan loved and missed about him.

It was all going so well until Dan noticed Kyle flirting with the waitress and he suddenly realised how fucking pathetic he was. Kyle wasn't gay. He could never want Dan the way Dan wanted him. He was pathetic, a fucking mess. Even if Kyle was gay.  _Which he isn't_. He would never want Dan, how could he? Kyle is brilliant! And Dan is, Dan is...  _going to be sick_. 

It was all too much for Dan's drunken state. He was confused and angry. He ran to the bathroom and fell against the wall, his whole body shaking violently. His head was spinning, he couldn't catch his breath, his heart was beating so fast he might be having a heart attack. No, he knew this all too familiar feeling.

He curled up and tried to steady his breathing, leaning his head on the cold tiles. 

He hadn't had a panic attack since the very beginning of the band, when he had to drink a bottle of wine in order to even get on stage. He was just drunk. So, so drunk. And... and.  _Fuck, I'm falling apart._

The bathroom door opened slowly and Kyle's beautiful face peeped around, smiling kindly down at Dan. His brows creased with concern when he saw Dan slumped on the floor. 

"Mate, what's wrong?" 

"Nothing," Dan shot back.  _Go away, please, please, just go. Don't look at me like this._

Kyle bent down and helped Dan to his feet, brushing off non-existent debris from his jeans. Kyle kept asking over and over if Dan was OK, saying he was worried about him and they should talk and he wants Dan to talk and please just say something Dan anything and-

"Just fucking leave me alone!" Dan shouted, forcefully removing himself from Kyle's embrace. Kyle protested and tried in vain to get Dan to stay. Dan shouted a little more before running out of the bathroom, out of the pub and into the night. 

 

*

 

Dan was aware of the dangers of self-medicating, but he was too far into the depths of self-hatred and anger-laced depression that he wasn't thinking clearly.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve and stumbled through the crowded club. It was dark and hot and his head was swimming with alcohol. Even so, he made a beeline for the bar. It wasn't until Dan was nearly slumped against it did he realise that all the barmen were topless. He stifled an eye-roll at the cliché he was becoming. Angry, closeted guy gets off his face and prowls a gay club. 

An incredibly handsome bar tender with short blond hair, lip gloss and a waxed chest refused to serve him. 

"Mate, come on. All I want is a beer," Dan pleaded. Trying not to let his annoyance show through. 

"Here, drink this, come back in 15 and  _maybe_ I'll serve you," the barman said sliding a glass of water over the bar. Dan scoffed at him but picked it up anyway and took a sloppy gulp. 

With his back to the bar he surveyed the place around him. Why was he here? He'd been there once before with friends but being here on his own felt... different. 

"He's a stickler for the rules." 

"What?" Dan turned to source of the voice. 

"You should try the girl. She tends to be much more accommodating," the guy was young, Dan guessed only 19 or 20 years old. 

"I think I'm good with this, I'm- I'm really drunk," He took another swig of water and it dripped slightly down his T-shirt, “I should probably go home.”

"Oh, that's a shame," the boy said, "I was going to ask you to dance." 

Dan's head was foggy and his limbs were heavy and tingling with intoxication. He couldn't really see anything but the lights and the writhing bodies on the dance floor. It was hot and the air felt thick with body heat. The hands on his hips were moving him and he could just make out the pretty face in front of him. 

"What's your name?" Dan tried to ask. But the boy couldn't hear him, he smiled and moved his hips closer. Everything felt like it was in slow motion, the music was pounding, the room was spinning. 

He looked at the boy in front of him, he really was very pretty. His eyes were dark and almost looked black in the dim lights, his features sharp and pointed. Dan's chest went tight, realising he reminded him of someone, everything bar the light curls piled on his head. 

The boy looked up at Dan, and Dan's breath caught in his throat. He held him close and they stood like that, swaying together, neither of them looking away. 

The kiss was incredible, Dan ran his fingers through the boy’s hair, gripping the curls in his fingers. The boy moaned lightly into Dan's mouth, causing a bolt of lightning to shoot through his entire body.  _Fuck_. 

The boy pulled away with the slightest grin, pushing his hands into Dan's hoody and biting his neck. Dan's head was spinning. He felt the brick wall behind him, felt the boy push up against him, gloriously trapping him. Then his tongue was in his mouth, feverish and hungry. 

"What's your name?" Dan tried again. 

"Jake," the boy said breathy. Jake brought his hand up to his lips and opened his mouth, placing a small white pill on his tongue. He stayed like that for a second, waiting for Dan's reaction. Dan couldn't take his eyes off him. So slowly it was painful, Jake closed the gap between them and kissed Dan. Pressing their lips together, lightly at first, so light that Dan thought he may have imagined it. He snaked his hands up Jake's back and drew him in closer. 

Dan parted his lips and Jake's tongue slid in. It tasted bitter this time and Dan had to stop himself from recoiling. Jake moved his lips from Dan's to his neck, he was playing Dan's body like an instrument, and it was magnificent. His body felt numb, and alert at the same time. He could feel everything and nothing. He felt out of breath, panicky and blissful. 

Jake brought his bottle of beer to his lips, watching Dan watch him. He then gave some to Dan, pouring the liquid slowly into his ready mouth. 

"Good," he whispered. He wiped his thumb across Dan's lower lip, catching the stray drops of beer. Dan’s lips parted and he took Jake's thumb into his mouth. 

"Do you want to get out of here?" Jake whispered, Dan simply nodded. Not willing to do anything that would break this spell he was under. 

They hardly made it over the threshold of Jake's bedsit before their bodies smashed together. Jake's mouth on Dan's, his legs barely managing to hold himself up. 

Jake moved his lips to Dan's neck. Dan heard himself moan as he felt Jake's lips, his tongue. Whatever they had taken was kicking in, Dan felt more alive than he'd ever felt. He was barely aware of where they were. But every touch, every kiss, every bite was sending him wild.

He could feel Jake's hands on his bare stomach. He fumbled clumsily for the hem of his t-shirt trying to pull it back down. He felt a tugging at his belt, heard the satisfying jingle of it hanging loose around his hips.

He saw Jake on his knees below him. Felt his cold hands on his rock hard cock, making his hips buck forward. 

"Easy," Jake said calmly, "this OK?" He asked as he started to stroke Dan's length slowly. Dan nodded, words failing him. He couldn't talk, couldn't think, all he could feel was Jake's hands on him. 

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. Yes, yes!_

Dan reached out in front of him, pulling Jake’s head closer. His hands were shaking and was sure his legs were going to give out any second. Jake took his cue. Running his hands down, he licked the length of him. Dan's hands gripped his hair and he had to bite his lip to stop from calling out. 

He could feel Jake smile against him and he licked the tip, wrapping his tongue around and around. It was maddening. Dan pulled him closer. Jake gave him a wry smile and put him into his mouth. 

Dan's head fell back against the wall as Jake worked on him. Faster and faster. His head was fuzzy and he was getting dizzy. He felt so good. 

"Fuck, yes baby, yes," he groaned, his fingers full of Jake's hair. There was a coil inside him getting tighter and tighter, threatening to explode. He looked down and saw Jake's head bobbing below him. 

"No, stop." He couldn't do this. This was too far. This wasn't him. This isn't what he wanted. "I said stop!" Dan shouted pushing Jake away. Harder than he anticipated. The young man lost his balance and slammed with some force onto the floor. 

"I- I thought this is what you wanted?" He said, tears filled his eyes as he held his hand to his wet mouth. Shame rushed through Dan. He grabbed his jeans and pulled them up with some difficulty, still painfully hard. He felt sick. 

"I'm sorry," Jake said moving towards him. Dan shook his head and took a step away. "I'm sorry," Jake pleaded again, "please, just-" 

Dan couldn't look at him as he rushed out of the room. Taking the stairs two, three at a time he burst into the cold London air. 

 

*

 

The searing pain in his head woke Dan up. Or was it the overwhelming nausea? Or it could simply be the almost painful dry mouth and revolting taste of sick and stale beer on his tongue. By the smell in his nostrils, it wasn't just the taste of sick he had to worry about. 

He twisted over and his fears were confirmed. A rank pile of clothes sat next to the bed giving off a putrid stink. Dan padded through the silent house and hauled his vomit covered clothes into the washing machine, physically gagging. 

His mind was cloudy and it took real effort to think about what had happened the previous night. He remembered drinking with the guys, he remembered Kyle, how angry and upset Dan was with himself. He remembered being in a club, which was weird because the others weren’t there. 

All at once the memories from the night before flooded him. It was like being hit by a bus. Dan ran to the bathroom, barely making it through the door before he threw up down the side of the toilet bowl and on the floor. Hot, angry tears fell down his cheeks, disbelief and shame washed over him. He looked at his trembling hands and collapsed onto the floor. How could this have happened? How could he have let this happen? 

He thought about Jake, thought about how hard he had pushed him, and the sickening sound his head made when it hit the floor. Immediately throwing up again, over-whelmed and disgusted. Dan knew he should find him, he had to apologise, beg for forgiveness. But he had no idea where he lived or how to contact him. 

"You're a fucking mess Daniel Smith," Sophie's voice came hard and angry. Dan looked up to the doorway,  _no arguments here_ , he thought. 

"So, go on, what happened last night?" She asked. She couldn’t have been as angry as she seemed because she ran a flannel under the cold tap, rang out the excess water and placed the damp cloth on Dan's pounding forehead. It felt like heaven.

"Just got too drunk," he replied, leaning back into her, his Sophie, always there to help him. If only she knew exactly how much he didn't deserve her. 

She paused before replying, Dan couldn't work out the expression on her face, "On your own?" she said eventually. 

"Er, no with the guys, obviously". 

"Right, it's just I got a text from Kyle asking if I could check on you. Said you disappeared last night and no one's heard from you." 

"Yeah,” He said scrunching his nose up, talking hurt. A lot. “Probably just back-doored it without saying goodbye to anyone," Dan knew Sophie thought he was lying but she didn't say anything more. He hated lying to her. He was suddenly overheating, a sweat broke out on his whole body as another wave of nausea overcame him. 

Sophie stroked his back as he dry-heaved into the toilet bowl, Dan prayed the vomiting masked the sobbing. 

"Oh, Dan," she said kindly.

 

Dan woke up several hours later tucked up in bed with a bottle of Lucozade orange, a banana and a packet of Anadin Extra on his bed side table. He gulped down the drink and the pills greedily. He almost missed the post-it note on his head board entirely. 

_When you're ready to tell me,_

_S x_

 

_*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much to everyone who has been reading, commenting etc etc.  
> I can't thank you all enough!  
> Ding ding new character bell, how are you feeling about Jake??  
> xxx


	7. Ocean, Swallow Me Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! New Chapter Tuesday :)  
> Thank you so much for all your reads and reviews! As always your support means so so much and is such a huge help to keep me going.  
> I really hope you like this chapter and please let me know what you think x

*

Dan entered the rehearsal room with his tail between his legs. He'd not turned up the day before, instead choosing sleep and festering in his misery. He was the first one there, his momentary relief was almost physical. He slumped down on one of the soft leather sofas at the back of the room and pretended to be doing something important on his phone. 

In addition to his self-indulgent wallowing, through the power of technology, _thank you Uber,_ Dan had used the previous day to retrace his steps. He was pretty sure Jake lived somewhere around Shoreditch and Bethnal Green.  _Great_. So anywhere in North East London then. He was such an idiot. 

"The Prodigal Son returns," Will's voice echoed around the room. He walked straight over to Dan, letting the door swing shut behind him with a clang. "Word of warning, Woody is on the warpath. It's pretty hard to have band practise without our lead singer." 

"Yeah, I um, I'm really sorry. I, er, wasn't very well," Dan said quietly, not able to look at Will. They sat there in companionable silence for a few more minutes. Dan was glad he saw Will first, he was pretty sure that was the biggest scolding he'd ever had from Will. Even when Dan wound himself up and shouted at everyone Will would just give him a little look and Dan knew he'd gone too far. He would mumble an apology and everything would be fine. 

"Well thank fuck for that!" Dan and Will's attention both snapped to the door as Kyle came in, "Where the fuck were you, Chief?" Kyle's demanding question bounced loudly around the room. Dan saw the little twinkle of amusement in Kyle's eyes and the humour in his voice. It calmed his wracked nerves. 

Kyle made a beeline for him and for a quick second, that made Dan's heart stop, he thought Kyle might wrap him up in a hug. Dan felt guilty, all day yesterday when he was worrying about Jake, all he wanted was Kyle to hold him and comfort him, like he'd tried to do in the pub toilets. _Of all places._

"Is Wood here yet?" Kyle asked, throwing himself down on the sofa between Dan and Will, they both shook their heads. Kyle sucked in a breath between gritted teeth, "Ah, just in time for the show, then," he mumbled, sounding like he would rather be anywhere but at the show. 

Dan looked down at his lap, pretending to look at the phone in his hand. But all he could focus on was Kyle's leg bouncing nervously next to his, the feel of Kyle's jeans rubbing against his own, the heat from his thigh on Dan's. 

Unable to take anymore he jumped up and walked over to the instruments and started setting up, trying to shake away his intrusive thoughts. 

Dan heard Woody's voice. He looked nervously from Kyle and Will, still on the sofa, to the door. Woody walked into the room mid-sentence. He immediately shut his mouth when he spotted Dan. He paused in the doorway for a moment before walking passed Dan and over to his drum kit. Wordlessly, he started to fiddle and making himself look busy.

Kyle and Will looked from each other to Dan. They all shrugged at each other having a silent discussion. Will furrowed his brow and nodded his head towards Woody, silently imploring Dan to speak to him. The three continue their wordless conversation. Kyle indicated towards Woody, insisting Dan say something, anything. Dan shook his head,  _terrible idea! Woody would flip his lid_. Will raised his eyebrows, not breaking eye-contact and crossing his arms. Decision made then, Dan started to walk over to Woody, who was now seated at his drum kit.

“Right, if you bell-ends are ready”, Woody said without looking at any of them, _busted_. Kyle laughed, relieved the fighting, at least seemingly for the moment, was over. Will didn't look so sure, silently accessing the situation.

Dan cautiously looked at Woody, “Yeah, if you're ready mate?”

“Yup,” Woody said without looking at him.

“Right,” Will said decisively picking up his bass, “So, yesterday Woody was showing us a new drum fill, for, um. For _The Draw_. We thought we'd show you... now you're here. So, shall we?”

Woody counted them in and the guys start playing the song. It was a song Dan had been struggling with for ages. He had had the lyrics and the melody for a while but every time they played it something felt missing or not quite right. But now he could hear them playing together, Woody's new fills, and Kyle was doing something new and spectacular with the synths. It was all coming together. 

Dan is a massive control freak, and unabashedly so. He actually prided himself on the fact. He never made any excuses about how much he cares, not just about the music, but everything, the whole entire process. 

In the early days it had taken the band ages to get signed. Dan swapped managers and jumped around small labels until they landed the management team they had currently. He knew every person who worked on the band personally, and Dan was involved in every decision. He wrote all the music, was involved in all the design and artwork, the videos, the production, everything. He often joked that he was the most disorganised person on the planet, and that was true to an extent. But in the world of Bastille, he knew every minute detail and by design, everything went through him first. 

Or so he thought. Right then, in that room, Dan saw how much his band mates did too. They were just as invested. They cared just as much. It was almost as if he was seeing for the first time, just because Dan took control and called the shots, it didn't mean these guys were any less a part of this family. Because that's what they were. _A fucking family._

Kyle looked up at him with the biggest grin. He could tell Dan was impressed and he nodded knowingly at him. 

Dan felt like the biggest waste of space in the world. And vowed to get his fucking act together. For them. 

 

*

 

For the last week Dan had taken to frequenting the bars and cafes in Hoxton in the vain hope that he might see Jake. Using his limited memory of that night Dan had managed to retrace his steps and narrowed it down to the smallest radius possible. But when he saw Jake cross the road in front of him he realised that he'd never actually imagined his plan would work. He couldn't believe his luck. 

Anxiety flooded him and he almost turned on his heels and ran for the hills. 

"Jake!" he shouted, the sound of his own voice surprising him. 

Jake turned around, recognition eventually spreading across his face, "You've got to be fucking kidding me," he said, turning sharply and walked in the opposite direction. 

Dan caught up to him, "Wait please, I- I want to apologise." 

Jake turned around, indignantly crossing his arms in front of him. There was a small cut above his left eye and a fading, yellow bruise on his cheek. Dan felt sick. 

"Fuck, did I-?" He couldn't finish the sentence, lifting his hand slightly to Jake's face. Jake flinched and took a step back. 

"Fuck, Jake I'm sorry. I'm so, fucking sorry." 

"OK," Jake said curtly, "Is that it? Can I go now?" 

"Mate, please let me-"

"Mate?" Jake cut him off then, anger flashing in his eyes, " _Mate_? Really? That's not what you were calling me the other night." Dan flinched at the memory, the string of pet names and endearments spilling from his lips. 

"I know, I know. I was a complete dick. I'm sorry. I should never have... I'm going through some shit and I dragged you into something and that was unfair."

"Wait," Jake paused, "Oh god! You're not actually trying to tell me you think you're straight are you?" Jake stood there pitying him. Pity. 

"No, I just, I don't know if I'm gay or-"

"Well it felt pretty  _gay_ when you had your dick in my mouth." 

Dan didn't know what to do, he hadn't thought through what he'd say to Jake if he ever saw him but this is definitely not how he wanted things to go. He wanted to cry, get on his knees and beg, grovel and plead for forgiveness. He deserved every bit of Jake's venom, he wanted more of it. He wanted him to hit him and curse him and scream at him. 

"Look, guy," Jake spoke quietly, calmer than before. Dan realised then that Jake must not know his name. 

"Dan," he said. If Jake was about to tell him to get fucked, he might as well know his name. Jake looked at him and continued. 

"Look,  _Dan_. I'm sorry you're going through some stuff. It can be really tough to, you know, come to terms with this kinda thing. And, I did come on to you so you aren't ... entirely... to blame." He said rolling his eyes.

"No, no way," Dan said louder than anticipated, it made Jake jump slightly. "You did absolutely nothing wrong. You," Dan said pointing at Jake, he took a calming breath before continuing, trying not to scare him. "Don't ever excuse someone for treating you like that. What I did was terrible and 100% not your fault," he emphasised the last three words, he felt horrible, Jake was so young, Dan needed to make sure he knew this kind of behaviour was wrong. 

"Oh, yeah OK," Jake said slowly, as if really considering what Dan was saying. A rush of affection ran through Dan. 

"Can, can I buy you a coffee?" 

Jake hesitated looking at Dan thoughtfully, he was obviously apprehensive. 

"Just coffee, a peace-offering," Dan continued, Jake eventually agreed and they walked down the high street together before finding a little cafe that wasn't too crowded. 

Dan handed Jake his latte and sat down at the little round table, sipping his black coffee. 

"My friend said I should phone the police, said it was a homophobic attack," Dan's stomach lurched violently, his heart was in his throat. 

"No, God, Jake. No," Dan's words came out a garbled, panicked mess. 

Jake smiled, laughing a little as if he'd made a joke, "Come on, relax. I know you didn't mean to, you know, push me, or whatever," he looked from his coffee to Dan.

Dan's eyes automatically flicked to the fading bruise across Jake's face, he probably should phone the police. 

"No excuses right?" Jake continued. Dan nodded, glad Jake had taken on board what he said earlier. "No excuses, like, obviously what you did was shitty, but, I know you're not a monster," Jake paused and looked at Dan, "I just, I just thought you should know that," Jake spoke quietly.

It struck Dan that heart to hearts, like Dan, were clearly not Jake's forte either. 

The two sat in the cafe for the best part of an hour. Dan was desperately trying to hold himself back. Jake was flirtatious and incredible quick, far too quick for Dan. The conversation was running away from him and he was acutely aware of his attraction to Jake, berating himself for, once again, liking someone he really, really shouldn't. After all, there's no way Jake could, or should ever, like him back after what he'd done. 

That didn't stop Dan excitedly typing his details into Jake's phone after Jake suggested they swap numbers. Dan was beaming, his cheeks actually hurt from smiling. 

"Hi, um excuse me," a small voice came from beside Dan, he turned around to see the barista that had served him earlier, "I just wondered if you were finished?" Her voice was shaky, she was nervous. _Oh, God, no._  Did she recognise him? 

Dan cleared his throat, attempting to steady his own voice, "Yeah, think so. I'll get this one shall I mate?" Dan internally cringed at the ridiculous fake, deep-voice that had just come out of his mouth. He could feel Jake's narrowed eyes on him, could imagine the knowing look on his face. 

 _Please, please just take my money and go away._ Of all the days to get recognised. This never happened to him, he could probably count on one hand all the times he'd been recognised by a fan, outside of their own shows that is. 

The girl took the note from Dan's hands and said she'd be back with his change. He waved his hand, "No need, I'll come over." 

He got up before she could argue and followed her over to the counter. His hands were shaking now too, his legs felt like jelly beneath him. 

"Um, are you, um," she fumbled with her words as she tried to jam the money into the till, "Are you Bastille Dan?"

"Yeah," he said, desperately trying to keep calm. He shrugged, feigning nonchalance, "Just here with a mate," he added unnecessarily. She nodded, he couldn't tell is she believed him or not. 

"What's your name?" he asked, giving her a big smile. 

"Um, Jenny," She said excitedly. 

"It was really nice to meet you Jenny," he reached out to shake her hand,  _damage control._ She took his hand and giggled as he shook it slowly. 

"I'm really sorry, I know you probably get this all the time, but, can I get a picture?"

"Of course!" He said enthusiastically, holding out his arms, which she willingly ran into. He hated himself, flirting with her in the slim chance she would remember how nice and friendly 'Bastille Dan' was and not that he was on a date with a guy. 

Jenny was pretty much bouncing as he walked away, clutching her phone to her chest. But as Dan turned to the table, Jake was gone. He grabbed his hoodie and rushed out of the cafe. Waving at Jenny as he left, she giggled loudly in return. 

Dan burst through the door into the street, not unlike his panicked exit the week before. 

"Well, what was that about?" Jake said, leaning against cafe window puffing on a cigarette. Dan walked over to him, words failing him. "Who are you?" Jake shook his head, Dan felt caught in a lie, though he knew that was slightly ridiculous. 

Jake looked so hurt, "And what was that voice all about, 'I'll get this mate'", Jake said in an exaggeratedly deep, cockney voice. Despite himself it made Dan smile. 

In an instant Dan knew that he should just apologise and walk away. He was always going to end up hurting Jake. He could never be the guy Jake deserved. He deserved someone who loved him, openly, not one that was constantly denying his existence. It made Dan feel sad, and foolish to think not ten minutes ago he was actually fantasising about what it would be like to be with Jake, properly. How cruel could he be?

"So what, you're like, famous?" Jake said, throwing his cigarette butt on the floor and stubbing it out with his toe. 

"No! No, not really," Dan stuttered. Jake looked at him and shook his head, frustrated. He kept giving Dan chances and Dan kept letting him down, "I'm in a band." It came out more like a question. 

"OK, would I have heard any of your stuff?" Jake folded his arms, clearly not sure whether to believe Dan. 

"Er, yeah, maybe. Probably not. I don't know. It doesn't matter, look," he was rambling, scrambling for a way to explain, to slow his racing mind. "Listen, no one knows I'm ya know. Obviously _I_ don't even really know," he sighed, frustrated with his complete inarticulacy. 

"Wait, that's what this has all been about?" Jake looked devastated at his realisation. "I thought you wanted to apologise? But this was all just to protect your precious career. Whatever,  _mate_ , you know what they say, fool me once," Jake said waving his hand at Dan. 

Jake turned to walk away but Dan's hand shot out and caught his arm. 

"I'm sorry, I-" Dan was almost frantic, he didn't know what he was saying, "Please, just don't tell anyone," as soon as he said it he wanted to rewind, pull the words back out of the air and shovel them back down his throat. 

"Don't worry," Jake scoffed, pulling his arm out of Dan's grip. "I won't be talking, or even  _thinking_ about you, ever again." Jake paused, looking Dan up and down, "Delete my number." 

*


	8. Your Eyes Are Staring At My Sins

*

Jake: Hi Dan, it's Jake from... shouting at you in the street (I hope that narrows it down otherwise I don't really know what to say ha). Aaaaanyway, I'm sorry about the whole, shouting at you in the street thing. I feel really bad about getting mad at you. No excuses ... but I've been lied to a lot. Like, a lot. And well I overreacted. Basically. You are obviously free to tell people as much or as little about yourself as you want and you don't owe me anything. Ok. This is a super long text. Hope you're well.   
Jake  
P.S. Are you ever going to tell me what this mystery band is? 

Dan looked at his phone a mixture of disbelief, and excited butterflies fluttered in his tummy, an idiotic smile plastered itself across his face. It had been over a month and he'd heard no word form Jake. Dan had not tried to contact him, partly out of respect at his specific request to leave him alone. But in truth it was mostly out of fear, fear from how Jake would react, fear of what he might say or do. _Dan Smith, you utter coward._

But looking at the message on his phone he couldn't help but smile, realising how much he had hoped and prayed that something like this would happen. He'd been so busy, writing, recording and performing, by design, deliberately doing everything in his power to take his mind off this whole sorry situation. Half waiting for everything to blow up in his face. 

"Who's that?" Sophie asked. 

"Just a friend," Dan answered coolly, trying not to let his excitement show. God forbid the two girls sniff out any hint of emotion and they would be hounding for information. 

Kate and Sophie were sprawled on his bed, trying to decide where they wanted to go on holiday. Currently they were debating Barcelona. Dan was pretty much up for going anywhere. Kate was whining that he'd already been to Barcelona. She wanted to go somewhere none of them had been before, Dan had to remind her that he'd been everywhere before. She called him a smug bastard. 

"What friend? We know all your friends," Sophie responded curtly, she wasn't going to let this drop. 

"Just someone I met. In a bar," he sighed dramatically, with a tone he hoped portrayed an 'Oh my god, does it matter, mum' kind of vibe. 

"Shit off!" Kate said loudly,  _great, here we go_. "Is this the girl who's finally going to get Dan to hang up his Bachelor hat?" Kate sat up excitedly. Dan ignored Sophie's raised eyebrows at the use of 'girl'. 

"I'm texting Kyle," Kate said getting up and looking for her phone, "he'll know who it is. We can probe him for details." 

"Good luck," Dan scoffed under his breath without thinking. The two girls stopped what they were doing immediately and looked at him. 

"So, if  _we_ don't know her, and the  _boys_ don't know her. Then how the fuck do  _you_ know her?" Kate's hands were on her hips. 

"I have other friends."

"No you don't," they both said together. 

"Yes I do!" They looked at him sceptically. "If you must know, it was a couple of months ago. I was walking home, my battery died so couldn't get an Uber. I went in to a pub to charge it and got talking to some people and... And. That's the whole story so, now you know," Dan mentally high-fived himself for his quick thinking.

"Wait," Sophie said cutting Kate off who was about to explode with questions. "Is this the night you stormed off from the guys, got absolutely shit-face-wasted _on your own_ , got home and became a one-man vom-cano?" 

"You are so eloquent," Kate said, looking at Sophie starry-eyed. 

"Thank you." 

"I love you."

"I love you too," Kate and Sophie turned to Dan, waiting for his input. He stubbornly stayed quiet, even folded his arms for affect. They both waited, Kate silently prompting. 

"I love you too," he said finally conceding. 

"Good boy," Kate said. "Now, from the beginning, if you please." 

They spoke about it for a few more minutes, Dan deliberately not using pro-nouns and trying his darnedest to be as vague as possible. He could see Sophie getting more and more suspicious, whereas Kate on the other hand was getting frustrated at his non-committal answers. 

"Fine," she said eventually, throwing her hands in the air, "If you don't want to talk to us about it. Fine. I just don't understand what all the secrecy is about."

"I'm not being secretive!" Dan exclaimed, "Don't sulk," he said nudging her with his foot. Kate perked up slightly at his gentle ribbing and mercifully brought the conversation back to the holiday. 

 

*

 

When Dan got back from his short weekend in Barcelona with his housemates, he was feeling relaxed and refreshed, and ready to throw himself back into work. He had a couple of song ideas swimming around his head, he had recorded them roughly on his phone or laptop and couldn't wait to get the guys involved. 

The good mood didn't end at Dan and his long overdue burst of creativity. The band were rehearsing for the upcoming tour, which as of that day was sold out. Everyone was freaking-out excited, and completely and utterly overwhelmed. Pompeii had been viewed over half a million times on YouTube and was pretty much on every radio station and every music channel. 

That song, that little song Dan had written in his bedroom whilst working shitty odd-jobs after uni. That song that he'd recorded in his friend's windowless basement of a record studio with Ralph and his band doing the backing vocals. That song was pulling them, kicking and screaming, towards stardom. 

There were talks of more shows, and more tours, Australia, Asia, South America. They were due to do their first ever TV show appearance after their Reading show later in the summer... BBC fucking 1, and it was terrifying. 

Dan wasn't scared because the tour was going to be shit, or that the album was going to flop or that there were countless jobs and careers and livelihoods that depended on their success, well there was a bit of that admittedly. But Dan was terrified of going back on tour for his own mental state. 

He occasionally would go through periods of feeling extreme pressure and pretty much losing his mind. During the last tour was one of those times, and the worst one by far. He couldn't let that happen again. 

A month at home and he was finally feeling stable. Of course, there was a little wobble in the middle, but now currently, he was fine. Good, even. Albeit slightly dependant on external comforts but he was stable... ish. 

 

"Sit still!" Kyle commanded. He had a fistful of Dan's hair and pulled his head to the side. Hard

"Ow! Not so rough!" Dan protested. 

"Do as your told then," Kyle retorted leaning in closer. He took a deep breath and blew on Dan's neck. The freshly shaved hair flying away. 

It was the first night of the tour, Dan had been a little reserved, not quite knowing what to do or say. They were on the bus after the show, it wasn't a long drive and the guys had decided to have a little tour bus party to celebrate. Erica presented them with an ice bucket full of wine and beer and told them, 'enjoy it whilst it lasts' because she was cracking down on their drinking after tonight. 

Kyle narrowed his eyes playfully at Dan and instructed him to stop being boring and come dance with them. Dan told him to go away, but took a large swig of his wine and walked over to him regardless. 

Dan's breath hitched in his throat when he reached the group. Kyle was eyeing him up carefully. An intense, concentrating look. The way an artist might assess his painting, or a lion watching his prey. Kyle reached up to him and placed his hands either side of Dan's face. 

"Your hair is getting ridiculous," Kyle said, oblivious to Dan's fiercely beating heart. He was simultaneously relieved and disappointed by the comment. "It's not as bad as last time, when it was wide as it was tall, but you need to sort it out, mate!" 

"Well you fucking help me then," Dan demanded. It was a joke but Kyle nodded and walked out of the room. Dan was left completely confused before he heard the unmistakable buzzing of hair clippers. 

This was insane! What were they doing? Dan couldn't help but laugh at the complete ridiculousness of the situation. He was sitting on the floor of the bus, Kyle kneeling behind him with Coop in front holding the mirror. 

"This can only go well!" Woody laughed madly, filming and taking pictures. 

"Oh God, should we not do this in the morning boys?" Dick shook his head at the scene unfolding, "As long as you clear up after yourselves! I don't want hair everywhere for the next 6 weeks!" He scolded. 

Kyle carefully moved Dan's head from side to side. His hands in his hair, fingers trailing over the back of his neck. It was all Dan could do to hold it together. They were surrounded by people, this was embarrassing, hopeless. But wonderful. 

If Dan closed his eyes, he could almost imagine that they were alone. It almost felt like Kyle was doing this on purpose, teasing him, wanting him; his hands on Dan's neck, his cheek, his hair. It was all too much and yet, not enough. 

After it was done Dan looked like David Lynch and he loved it. That night Dan thought about the feeling of Kyle's hands on him. Dan liked to imagine that Kyle knew what he was doing. That the relationship wasn't so one-sided and the way Kyle smirked at him in the mirror, gently stroked his arm and pulled his hair a little too hard... were all part of their courtship. A dance. A game. 

But it wasn't. And that was fine. Dan was a fool in love, and that was also fine. 

Dan just liked to think about that night from time to time. 

 

*

 

It started as a curiosity thing. He'd heard about all the different apps and sites that were starting to pop up everywhere. The one that most people were talking about, _Tinder_ , Dan spent longer creating the profile and coming up with a fake name than he spent actually on the app. A couple of minutes of swiping and he'd already seen two very close friends,  _cough*Kate*cough_ , and a number of faces he recognised. With a defeated sigh he deactivated his account and deleted the app from his phone. 

There was a second app that he was far less likely to find people he knew on. But he'd heard it was pretty sleazy and he really wasn't about that. 

"Fuck it," he said to himself, downloading it and setting himself up an account. At first he didn't really use it, it was just on his phone and he would flick through it occasionally but that was it. 

It took him a while before he managed to speak to anyone. Most of the messages he got were awful, everything he'd heard about _Grindr_ turned out to be true, at first. But eventually he got good at weeding through the worst of it and started talking to people and having decent conversations. He knew full-well that this was not what most people used the app for. But he didn't want to think about that.

Dan wasn't ready to meet anyone, especially after the whole Jake fiasco. 

He made a deal with himself. He would use the app like stabilisers, like when you're learning to ride a bike. He'd talk and chat and eventually, when he was ready he'd meet up with someone, when he finally plucked up the courage to go on a date, he'd come out. 

But, as these things tend to do, things escalated. And the deal he made himself was immediately broken when he hooked up with a guy in a bar four days later. 

 

Dan woke up like he did most mornings, in a bed he didn't recognise, and with a sleeping body beside him he didn't know. Like most mornings he looked around the room to find his clothes and was confronted by the aftermath of the night before. 

Empty bottles littered the floor along with miscellaneous debris indicative of the debauchery conducted there the previous night. The room stank of spilled alcohol and stale smoke. There was a broken mirror on a chair, covered in a light dusting of white powder and a plethora of other party drug paraphernalia. 

How Dan had managed to sleep a wink was beyond him, it can't have been very good stuff. He sat up and slowly started to gather his thoughts. He rubbed his pounding head, trying to stop the room from spinning. He stood up, unwrapping the tie from around his wrist and threw it on the ground and rubbing out the indentations it left behind. 

His mouth was so dry it hurt. He grabbed a half empty beer bottle and gulped it down. His stomach lurched as the lukewarm alcohol hit it but he didn't care, he was old hat at this kind of thing by now. Pulling on his jeans, having neither the time nor inclination to locate his boxers, Dan grabbed his t-shirt and denim jacket and left the room. 

He checked his phone and as usual Kyle had sent him the address of where the rest of the band were, usually the location of the tour bus, or the hotel they were (meant to be) staying in. This morning it was the location of their next gig and the time of the soundcheck. S _hit, late._

_Bad Blood_ was playing in the taxi on the way to the venue, the taxi driver was humming along out of tune and tapping absentmindedly on the steering wheel. Dan groaned inwardly, the hangover he'd managed to avoid thus far coming on strong. 

"You don't like this song?" The taxi driver laughed, watching Dan's green face in the rear-view mirror. 

"I heard the singer's a dick," Dan mumbled, sitting lower in the seat. The taxi driver chuckled merrily and shook his head, continuing to tap to the beat. 

Dan had stopped thinking about what he was doing, he no longer stressed himself out, overthinking his every decision, or thought about how superficial his latest lifestyle choice was. He didn't think about why he did it, didn't try to rationalise it or intellectualise it. 

He knew why he did it, it was fun, it took his mind off everything. When he was wasted, drunk and high, and in someone else's bed he was not thinking about anything else. It was escapism. _So just read a fucking book then._

When he got to the venue Kyle threw him a clean t-shirt and a can of deodorant. He didn't ask about where he had been or who he was with, he never did. Dan could talk to Kyle about anything and everything. But not this, not Dan's love-life, or lack thereof, not his late night antics, not his ebbing and flowing feelings for Kyle. Especially not that. 

Kyle knew Dan slept around, Dan assumed, how could he not. Everyone knew and Dan even joked about it occasionally with the other guys. Dan knew Kyle didn't approve of his deplorable bedroom habits, and so for the sake of their friendship they didn't talk about it.

"Thanks mate," Dan said. He quickly pulled the T-shirt over his head and replaced it with Kyle's clean one. As he righted himself and pulled down the shirt, Dan saw Kyle watching him, a strange expression on his face. 

"What?" Dan said, looking at Kyle's slightly furrowed brow. He looked down at himself trying to see what Kyle was looking at, "Kyle?"

"Er, sorry mate, I-" Kyle cleared his throat, before looking away quickly. Dan looked down to his arm, where Kyle's gaze had previously landed on. His hand flew to his wrist to cover the fading marks and immediately regret flooded him. He looked up to Kyle who was already walking away. 

"Hurry up, yeah? We've got shit to do," Kyle said, exiting the room. 

 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to everyone who has helped me with this story so far! It's truly a labour of love and even though I whinge I am loving it so thank you to everyone.   
> Additionally! A MASSIVE thank you to everyone reading, leaving comments and kudos. It is so lovely to hear you are enjoying it.   
> Hope you liked this instalment  
> Lots of love :)   
> x


	9. You Were Always Faster Than Me, I Will Never Catch Up With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Firstly,   
> HOW GOOD WAS COMFORT OF STRANGERS!?   
> I can't stop listening to it!  
> Secondly, thank you as always to all those who have persevered with this story! (And sorry to all of those that have given up!)   
> I love you all and are so grateful for you all :)   
> Anyway! Enjoy!

*

Another city, another backstage room with bad beer and worse food. Dan sat sulking in their dressing room; hiding from everyone else. 

A radio station, one that had been really supportive of them when they were just starting out, was having a birthday party to celebrate turning 20. It was really more like a mini festival. 

Bastille had been invited to play months ago and of course they'd jumped at the chance. It was their way of saying thank you to all the DJs and producers that had taken a chance on them; for playing their music, getting them in to do live performances and helping promote their shows. It had been such a huge help in getting their name out there and they would always be grateful for that.

The interviews had been fun, most of the radio DJs were more like their friends at this point, having known them for a couple of years. They had even had time to wander around the city, get a bit of sight-seeing in. But the sound check had gone horribly, some of their kit somehow got left behind and they had resorted to beg, borrow and stealing from the other bands on the bill. 

"Knock knock," a familiar voice floated in from the doorway, "We have to stop meeting like this," Joni smiled and walked into the room.

Dan looked up from his phone and nearly dropped it, fumbling to stuff it into his jacket pocket. 

The cloud of static and chatter of walkie-talkies, and jangle of keys that usually followed Joni was missing. Neither was she wearing her normal uniform of t-shirt and shorts combo. Instead opting for dark skinny jeans and a long sleeve grey top, making her already long legs look they went for miles. _Maybe she'd had a promotion?_

Joni pushed her dark hair out of her face, letting it flow down her back. He had never seen her like this before, she looked smart and, dare he say it, sexy. He noted with a laugh that even in this more dressed-up ensemble she still wore her signature Dr. Martins. 

"I didn't know you were working," Dan said, looking around to see who else was in the room. He prayed none of the guys would turn up and take her attention. 

"No, I'm actually here as a punter," she laughed a little at her own joke, "I only managed to sneak back here through sheer genius and trickery," she held out her arm so he could see her fabric wristband. He moved her sleeve so he could see it properly, letting his fingers linger there for a second.

"Guest list?" He laughed, shaking his head at her.

She shrugged, "I didn't say I _paid_ to be here," she laughed again, pulling her hand away from him. Dan noted that she touched her wrist where he'd held it. He caught her eye and she looked away. 

"Nicer than mine," he showed her his plastic one, that was snapped on to each of them as they arrived. 

"Maybe we could swap, you can be a muggle for a day," Dan opened his mouth to make fun of her Harry Potter reference, but her attention turned to the doorway behind him. 

"Will!" she screeched loudly and ran into Will's waiting arms. He picked her up and spun her around, as was becoming their usual greeting. 

"Let me see" Let me see!" Joni squealed, pulling at Will's sleeve. Will rolled his eyes dramatically but smirked as he shrugged his jacket off, revealing his brand new tattoo, "Oh my god Will! It's-"

"Terrible?" He cut in. Joni laughed as she inspected the words 'Bad Blood' emblazoned in Gothic script across his bicep. 

"It's... it's certainly something," Joni teased, "It's so much better than I was expecting," she teased, "the way you described it... well," she said shaking her head and grinning at him. 

Dan watched as the two proceeded to talk quickly and animatedly, catching up on all things and falling into comfortable conversation. Joni held Will's face in her hands and smiled as he spoke. Dan realised he was scowling and quickly fixed his face.

He grabbed two beers from the side and walked over. 

"How's your mum?" Will asked quietly. Dan hesitated, thinking this may be a private conversation. 

"A lot better, thank you," Joni smiled a small, reassuring smile and rubbed Will's arm, "That's so kind of you, I'll tell her you asked, she'll like that." 

She turned and saw Dan hovering, her smile widened and Dan felt all of a sudden very warm. He handed her the beer and stood quietly, letting the two carry on catching up. After a short time Will made his excuses and Joni pouted her disappointment. He dipped to give her a big squeeze and left, nudging Dan as he did. 

"How, um," Dan faltered, now hyper-aware they were alone again, "What's wrong with your mum?" he cringed, the question sounded harsh and not at all how he intended it to come out. 

Joni shrugged, "She had pneumonia. She's not as young as she used to be so they took her to hospital. She's OK now," she picked at the label on her beer. 

Dan swallowed his next question of, 'How does Will know?' Joni was still looking down at her bottle, she looked thoughtful, he'd never seen her look anything but a fucking explosion of sunshine. It was strange, talking to her about 'real life'. Dan realised then he didn't know that much about her, and that he really wanted to. 

He reached up and ran his fingers along hers. She looked up at him, as if shocked to see him, like she'd forgotten he was there. He fought the urge to pull his hand away. Neither of them said anything, simply stood there looking at each other, Dan running his thumb along the back of her hand as he held it. She let out a slight sigh and smiled at him, a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. 

"Oh. You are here," Kyle's voice broke through the quiet, "a bunch of people just got kicked out of the Artist's Bar, they said they were with you but security made them leave," he fidgeted in the doorway, "Sorry mate, would have said something but I didn't know you were working." He looked between Joni and down the corridor behind him, "I can go find them?"  

"No no! They are such liabilities, it's probably for the best," Joni laughed. 

She handed Dan her still full beer and walked towards Kyle, "I'll see you guys later, or whatever," she called back to them as she squeezed past Kyle to leave. Kyle watched her go. Dan was sure he saw him roll his eyes but he could have imagined it. 

 

The show was great and the crowd were amazing, as usual. Dan was on such a high, as were they all. Kyle clapped Dan on the back as they left the stage, making his shirt stick to him. Dan called out a string of profanities after Kyle, as everyone crowded into the embarrassingly big dressing room, getting only a middle finger in response.

Dan laughed, _two can play at that game_. He towelled his wet hair and threw it at Kyle who caught it inexpertly, before screaming and dropped it, cringing. 

"Mate, that's fucking foul!" Kyle yelled, laughing. 

"Oh, Joni's coming with her mates," Will called out to Dan, hanging up the phone and putting it back in his pocket, "Hope that's OK," he said over the chatter and carrying-on. 

Dan nodded, feigning nonchalance. The pang of jealousy he always got when Will talked about Joni bubbled away in his chest. 

Will and Joni are friends. Dan knows this. He knows this because they've been friends for a while now. They go on day trips together, accompanied by Will's girlfriend, Awoui, and other such lucky guests. They go for drinks and walks in the country. Last week, whilst the guys were gallivanting across Europe, Joni, Awoui, and some of their friends to a roller-disco birthday party. 

Dan does not know this because he and Joni are friends. He does not know this because they talk or keep in touch when they're away, no. Dan knows all of this because the internet makes it far, far too easy to be a social-media stalker. 

Dan tried to smother any ill-thought. He wasn't jealous because Joni might like Will or Will might like Joni, that's ridiculous. He was jealous because they're friends. They are silly together and always excited to see each other and they hang out and do stuff together. He thought back to the night at the Chilli's gig, how much fun he had, the manic smile on Joni's face, her hands in his. What's more, by the sound of Will and Joni's conversation earlier, they talk to each other. And not just about stupid, superficial stuff, but, like, proper stuff. 

 "He's so serious," Dan's head snapped to the sound of her voice. He looked up to see her standing next to Will,  _of course._ He had his arm draped casually over her shoulders and she was squeezing his waist tight. Looking between each other, sharing a joke and laughing at Dan.  _That could be you if you weren't so weird._

 "Hi, no, er just thinking, sorry," Dan tried to laugh it off. Joni's friends had also arrived and Joni was introducing them all. 

"Alright Harry!" Dan said, spotting him amongst the small group, "Nice to see you again mate," they shook hands and Harry seemed really pleased that Dan remembered him, "Of course mate, that festival was the biggest crowd we'd played to so far. Thanks for trusting us!" 

"You guys fucking smashed it," Harry replied enthusiastically. He and Dan continued to talk for a while. Dan subconsciously kept one eye on Joni. Not that he really needed to, he could hear her way before he could see her, so he'd never lose her. 

The backstage bar shut in the early hours of the morning. The small group debated whether to move on and find a bar in the city, or head back to hotel rooms and busses, calling it a night. 

"I think I better take this mess back to our hotel," Harry said pointing at their friend, George, who had been passed out on a sofa for well over an hour. Everyone agreed and took it as their cue to leave as well. 

Dan started to say his goodnights, but noticed Joni's reluctance to head back. He heard her and Harry discussing a bar in the city, "I thought we were going there?" she insisted, pouting a little. But Harry shook his head and pointed to George, who was slumped over his shoulder. 

"Next time," he looked as disappointed as her, giving her a little nudge and a kiss on the cheek. 

"I'll go with you, I'm still pretty wired," Dan said, with a slightly self-conscious smile, once Harry had struggled out of the door, carrying his friend. 

"Yeah?" Joni said, her face lit up when she saw him. Dan loved it when she did that. He wondered if she knew, if she did it on purpose. 

Joni lead the way out into the maze of corridors and towards the exit of the venue. However they didn't get far. Joni's stomach growled loudly and they both smirked and giggled at the sound. 

"I've got an idea," Dan said mischievously. 

As they passed one of the now empty dressing rooms, he noticed it was still full of beer and food. The two looked at each other with a conspiratorial grin. Joni raised an eyebrow, a questioning look on her face. Dan quickly checked the coast was clear before sneaking them both onto the room. 

"I'm fucking starving," Joni declared needlessly, ransacking the fruit bowl. 

"Yet you choose fruit over Doritos?" Dan said ripping open a bag. 

"Cool Original? Pass," she scoffed, ramming another handful of grapes into her mouth. 

They settled onto the small, uncomfortable leather sofa and steadily made their way through whatever food was left available to them. Dan put some music on his phone and they argued about what playlists to put on. The conversation flowed easily and Dan took the opportunity to ask some of the questions he'd always wondered about her. 

Joni laughed at him and said she felt like she was on trial, but answered his questions nonetheless. She lived in London, she told him, whenever she wasn't all over the place. She was originally from the South Coast near Brighton, her parents weren't together but she saw them both regularly. She was one of four sisters and was a huge fan of crime and thrillers (with a particular and, quite frankly terrifying, fascination with serial killers). 

"Like, novels and films?" Dan asked. 

"No, like true crime. Real stories," she insisted.

"I mean, as a child who was obsessed with horror and gore, my parents were probably over the moon that I didn't turn out to be a serial killer," Dan laughed, "I'm not sure you can say the same!" 

"What are you trying to say?" 

"Have you ever killed a person?" he asked, narrowing his eyes and pointing a finger at her. 

"I just think real life is way more interesting than fiction!" she protested, pushing him away. Dan remained unconvinced. 

"You creative types," she mocked, and proceeded to reel off a list of unsolved mysteries and creepy crimes with encyclopedic detail. 

"They put her in a box, a _box_! And she lived under the _bed._ For. _S_ _even. Years_. Can you even imagine?" 

"God, you're so weird," he told her laughing, she grinned smugly at him. 

Dan couldn't think of a time when they had been alone together, like, properly alone for more than a couple of minutes. But he liked it. She was relentless in the way she made fun of him, but she could take as good as she gave. He really liked her. 

He remembered giving her a piggy-back the night they met, her legs around his waist. The way she leaned into him at the Chili's gig when he wrapped his arms around her, and squeezed his hand as they swayed above the crowd. 

Dan felt simultaneously more comfortable and more nervous around her than he ever did with the hordes of girls he'd now slept with. He noticed then how close they were, their knees touching lightly. They were still sat on the tiny sofa, hours later setting the world to rights. 

"I thought I could trust your judgement but you are clearly the devil in disguise!" Dan protested, shocked to his very core. 

"I'm sorry, is there a band-wagon around here I should be jumping on? Or have you taken the last place on all of them?" she shot back. 

"But on pizza, Joni! Have some self-respect!" 

"You only don't like it because all your hipster friends have told you not to like it!" 

"Hey! I _am_ the hipster friend. I'm a trend setter! I'm the one leading the charge against pineapple on pizza!" Dan's face and stomach hurt from laughing so much. This was exactly what he wanted.

"My ex never liked it either. Laugh all you want, but it's my favourite." 

"Oh I would never stop you ordering it," Dan said sickly sweet, batting his eyelashes, "I would just judge you immensely for doing so," she laughed and pushed him away. 

"Well, she did that too," Joni laughed taking a swig from her water bottle. 

"Wait what?" Dan nearly chocked. _What did she say?_

 Joni smirked into her bottle, "I can see the cogs turning in your tiny mind Smith, what's up?" 

"I, sorry. I just. You. I didn't know you were g-"

"Bi?" she asked, "I'm surprised you didn't know, Will knows." 

_Of course he does,_ "Oh. _Oh_ " he said. _Bi... huh_. 

Joni giggled at Dan's vacant expression, he couldn't look away from her. 

Her eyes were locked on his. He reached up and brushed a bit of hair behind her ear, lingering his touch on her cheek. Her eyebrows furrow slightly. 

"What's wrong?" he asked, taking his hand away from her cheek. 

"I don't get you Dan," she said quietly. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Do you like me?" she said after a long pause, "Sometimes I think you might but then you just, I don't know," she blushed, embarrassed. 

He didn't know what to say, she was looking down at her lap, playing with the hem of her shirt. 

"Joni," he said quietly. 

"Sorry. Forget I said anything," she said quickly, bouncing up off the sofa and digging into her bag, "I'm sorry, please don't let this be awkward now. Do you want some?" she held up a small bag of weed to Dan, he shook his head. 

"I probably shouldn't, we've got a gig tomorrow." 

"Oh, I'm Dan Smith, I'm a famous singer with a number 1 album. I've got to protect my beautiful voice!" Joni said in a terrible impression of him. 

"You think I've got a beautiful voice?" he teased. 

"No," she said smirking. 

She was standing in front of him, just out of reach. He held up his hand up and she took a step forward, into his grasp. He looked up to her face, watching her as he trailed his fingers up her leg. She bit her lip nervously and took another step forward. Still watching her, neither of them breaking the gaze, Dan ran both hands up the back of her legs and pulled her down onto his lap. 

He moved his hand slowly from her thigh up her waist, her chest and to the back of her neck. Watching her face the whole time. Joni bit her lip, watching him carefully as he gently explored her body. 

He ran his thumb over her collarbone and the base of her throat where the pendant on her necklace laid. Joni leaned into him, slowly pushing his cap off his head. She gripped his hair, hard and pulled so his face met hers before placing the smallest, most gentle kiss on his lips. 

She leaned back, searching his face. To answer her unspoken question he pulled her back to him. He gripped her hips, her waist, running his hands all over her as he kissed her again, harder more urgently, never wanting it to end. She moaned into his mouth, deepening the kiss, their tongues meeting. Joni pulled his lip between her teeth and his head was spinning with her. 

"Do you want to come back to my room?" he whispered into her lips. 

"We've been drinking," she said, both of them panting into each other. 

"I haven't. Have you?" 

"None," she said with a wry smile. He pulled her into him again, her hips rolled on his and he let out an unsolicited groan. He pulled back, embarrassed, but she was grinning. She grabbed a fist full of his hair and smashed their lips together again. _Fuck, this is really happening._

Dan laid Joni down on his hotel bed, kissing her from her neck down. Lifting her grey shirt to reveal more skin. He trailed his lips all the way down until he reached the waistband of her jeans. 

"I want to see your tattoo," he said between kisses. 

"You've seen all my tattoos," she replied with her head still thrown back and her hand in his hair. 

That wasn't quite true, Dan had seen _most_ of Joni's tattoos. The one on her calf, the one on her back, the one on her wrist. But the one he wanted to see the most, was the one he caught a glimpse of the day he met her, the one high on her thigh that he never got to fully see. 

He continued the trail of kisses as he unbuttoned her jeans and pealed them off her long legs. When he reached her hip he sat back slightly. From just below Joni's left hip to her upper thigh was a large black and grey tattoo, so detailed and realistic it could have been a photo. It was two elephants, that looked like a mother and her baby, holding each other's trunks crossing a stream in front of a collection of trees. 

"It's beautiful," he said looking down at her. Joni was sat up on her elbows watching him closely. She bit her lip and nodded.

"Take your jeans off," she said in response. 

 

*

 

"Fuck!"  

A combination of a loud crash and hushed profanity woke Dan. He slowly opened his eyes, unaware of the time but knowing it was still early. With more effort than he'd like to admit, he turned over in bed to see Joni crashing about his hotel room. 

"If you're trying to sneak out, you're doing a terrible job," he laughed. 

"Go back to fucking sleep then and let me do it properly," she replied indignantly, pulling on her top from the day before. 

"No," he moaned. 

"Oh, sorry. Is this not what you wanted?" she taunted him, playing with the hem of her top. She lifted it slightly revealing the lace of her underwear that she'd retrieved from God knows where. 

"Yes!" Dan replied enthusiastically, holding out his hand to her. 

"Oh, right. Yes clothes on?" she said letting it drop down. 

"No! Less clothes, less," Dan cheered, patting the bed next to him, she laughed and walked towards him.

There was a knock at the door and she stopped in her tracks, staring at him wide-eyed, "Who the fuck is that?" she said in an urgent whisper. 

Dan shrugged as another knock sounded, "No one it's fine, come here." 

"Dan it's Kyle, get the fuck up. Dick gave me a key. I'm coming in." 

"Fuck!" Joni ran into the bathroom shutting the door behind her. 

Just as Dan swung his legs out of the bed, the hotel room door opened and Kyle waltzed in. 

"Dude!" Dan said pulling the sheets over himself, covering his modesty. 

"I did warn you!" Kyle said, unphased, "Interview time has changed, we're leaving in 5. So, get your shit," he announced as he threw Dan's jeans at him before swiftly leaving the room. 

Exactly 7 minutes later (as Dick told Dan twice) they were leaving the hotel and packed into the waiting car. Will leaned back in his seat and caught Dan on the leg. 

"What's up dude?" Dan said sleepily. 

"I saw Joni and Harry this morning, told them about that new burrito place we want to try out. I think they're going to come. Maybe you can actually ask her out, _finally_?" 

"Er, yeah, cool," Dan tried to act casual. 

"Yeah, _finally_ ," Kyle smirked. 

Lunch, turned into a bigger affair than originally anticipated. The restaurant was a very cool and very pretentious hipster joint and everyone wanted to come too. It was the kind of place that Dan would describe as "wicked", and Joni would describe as "insufferable". 

Dan suggested getting two tables, trying to subtly catch Joni's eye and gauge her expression. But her friends insisted on waiting for a bigger table so they could all sit together. 

The conversation moved inevitably to the night before. People were excitedly talking over each other discussing the bands they saw, the celebrities they spotted in the crowd and how much everyone drank. 

George, Joni's friend who got super drunk, was now unsurprisingly super hungover and looked like he was really suffering. To add insult to injury he had accidentally stood a girl up that he'd met in the crowd. He was more pissed off about that than having to be put to bed. 

"I'm fucking gutted mate," George lamented. 

"Well at least _someone_ got lucky last night" Kyle said. Everyone looked around, trying to figure out who he meant, "Another city, another girl, right Dan?" 

"What are you-" 

"I saw girls clothes in your room this morning, so unless you have an even dirtier little secret?" he smiled innocently. 

"We've all got wives and girlfriends, so Dan's been having enough girls for all of us," Woody ever so helpfully explained to the onlookers. 

"That's not-" 

"Sorry,  _women_ ," Woody corrected himself, "Lead singers, what are you going to do," he said shrugging, everyone laughed and it segued nicely into people telling their own stories of sexual debauchery. 

Dan looked over at Joni who was looking at him highly amused, she winked at Dan's reddening face. She didn't look like she cared at all, which, maybe she didn't. 

After lunch Dan rushed out to catch up with her, "Hey sorry about what those guys said in there." 

"Why? You're young, free and single. Enjoy it whilst you can, those boyish good looks won't last forever," she said pinching his cheek lightly.

"Who says? I could be the next Clooney," he said folding his arms indignantly. 

"I think Clooney is still the next Clooney, I mean, have you seen him lately?" 

"The guys a machine!"

"So hot!" They exclaimed, laughing. 

Dan fiddled with the zip on his hoody, trying to form the next sentence in his head without sounding like a stupid fuck, "Do you? I mean, I know Will has and we will probably see you soon... at, er, the next thing. But, do you, can we maybe swap... phone... numbers?" 

"Yeah," Joni smiled, "that would be great," she held out her hand for Dan's phone and tapped her details in. 

"Shall I ring you so you have mine?"

"No! I mean, no," she said quickly, then feigning nonchalance. Dan looked at her confused, "Um, I mean. That's OK, I may or may not already have your number," she laughed awkwardly, "I got in from Will ages ago, I've just not had the balls to use it, so. No need."

Dan let out a huge belly laugh. All this time Will was pestering him to ask for her number and Joni already had his. This whole thing was ridiculous. Dan swept her up into a huge hug and kissed the top of her head. 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. Does anyone have any fic suggestions? Can be on here, Wattpad or anywhere really! Would LOVE LOVE to read some new ones. 
> 
> @lanturnite and @thoseseconds stories that went up this week were incredible and everyone should read them!!!


	10. If Heaven Is A Prison, I am Your Prisoner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> Dingdingding housekeeping!   
> Apologies for this chapter... I've lost my Beta! :( uni commitments mean we're both suuuuper busy. So if there are any glaring errors or the whole thing just doesn't make sense please let me know and I'll rectify that straight away! 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy my next offering :P I love you guys so much! Thank you so much for sticking with me! xxx

*

With success comes photos. A lot of them. At least that was Dan's experience of it (not that he would ever consider himself successful). Which, really, if that was one of the toughest aspects of his job, he was doing pretty well. 

They were all so grateful for everything that had happened. It felt like every week they were having once in a life time experiences. Through the band they had been able to go to the most amazing places, see and do the most incredible things, and meet some of the best people. 

Sometimes Dan had to remind himself of just how lucky and fortunate he was. When he was starting to grow resentful and bitter of certain aspects of the job, he would remember the unbelievable parts and remind himself to stay humble and grateful. 

It was possibly rather naive of him, but Dan never realised how often he was going to have to get in front of a camera, how much of his life would be documented. If he thought about it too much he started to feel all panicky and could easily slip into some sort of existential crisis. 

Whether it was fans wanting selfies after a show, being spotted (rarely) out and about, or worst of all... photo shoots (the dreaded hell), they were constantly being snapped. Photo shoots, however, were collectively their worst nightmare. They were always awful, awkward and embarrassing. Apart from maybe Will, he seemed to be rather at home in front of the camera. 

But like most things, some shoots were worse than others. As cringe-worthy as it sounds the guys were actually getting a little better at being in front of the camera. Their friend Greg, a fantastic music photographer, had come on tour with them a couple of times and snapped away all day, eventually managing to scrape some good shots of them together. 

Even after all the practise, Dan still despised photo shoots - in the more traditional sense. A couple of photos after an interview or whatever, fine. But when they had to be serious, and act, and be directed... well, there was just something deeply embarrassing to Dan about having to take himself that seriously. 

 

"I don't feel good," Kyle's voice croaked on the other end of the phone. He sounded groggy, like he'd just woken up, "What time is it?" 

"Nearly 3 pm," Dan answered, getting into a taxi. 

"Shit, I was phoning to make sure _you_ were up. Where are you?" 

"Home," Dan lied.

Kyle made a non-committal noise before starting to cough quite violently. The sound was muffled, as if he was holding the phone away from him, but even so it sounded painful. 

"You sound like shit," Dan said, once he was sure Kyle could hear him. 

"Thanks dude, love you too," Kyle said matter of factly, his sarcasm evident even through the sniffs and coughs and splutters.  

"Get yourself a Lemsip and then hurry up. No way I'm doing this fucking shit without you." 

"Yes Boss!" Kyle exclaimed. 

Dan arrived at the magazine offices first and decided to hang around the foyer and wait for the guys. After a minute or two of watching him awkwardly standing around, the receptionist asked him who he was there to see, before directing him to the 4th floor, where the photographer was already setting up. 

As expected the shoot was as awkward as ever. The rest of the guys arrived and after a few minutes of wardrobe and makeup the photographer started directing them. They were all in their usual uniform of all black clothing, Dan had been given a bomber jacket which he actually quite liked. Kyle was moaning about his t-shirt being too tight and too short. He kept lifting his arms above his head, causing it to ride up his stomach and demonstrate the fact. 

"What's his problem?" Woody asked after Kyle sulked off. 

"I think he's ill," Dan said helping himself to a slice pizza. The one good thing about photo shoots - the catering table!  

"Or hungover," Will offered, "He rang me this morning and asked me how a taxi works!" he said laughing. 

When Kyle came back they took more photos, all looking moody and serious. They were clearly rubbish because the photographer kept looking at the previews and shaking his head, obviously not happy with the results. 

Dan kept looking to Kyle. Normally the life and soul of these situations. Woody and Will were trying their best to make up for the lack of energy in the room. Which Dan appreciated. He felt a rush of affection towards them all then. During another break Dan grabbed Kyle in a feeble headlock and started teasing Kyle about his t-shirt.

Dan tried to pull the shirt lower but it barely reached his belt. They all fell apart laughing, making fun of him wearing his jeans so low.

"You can talk!" Kyle mocked Dan, pointing to the generous amount of his boxers on show.

Dan was trying to make Kyle feel better, he hated seeing him like this, sullen and withdrawn. His plan worked as soon the four of them were messing around, insults flying and all of them laughing at each other. 

Dan was nearly doubled over in stitches watching Woody and Kyle play flight. By play fight, what Dan was watching was more like Kyle being chased by Woody who was covered in pizza. Kyle having had slammed it into his face. Kyle's great height and long limbs were no match for Woody. As he nearly up ended a table trying to escape Woody's grasp.

Kyle roared, ripping his t-shirt at the neck and ran for Woody who ducked and flipped him over his shoulder. 

"It pays to have a drummer built like a brick shit-house!" Will cackled watching as Woody spun Kyle around. 

Dan turned to see the photographer gleefully snapping away, as the four of them played like school children. 

"This is great!" he praised excitedly, never looking up from the lens, "This is really great!" 

With everyone in better spirits and the energy levels in the room much higher, the rest of the shoot went a lot smoother. The guys were more relaxed and were actually starting to enjoy themselves. So much so, in fact, that when it was over, Kyle of all people looked quite disappointed. 

"What are you doing now, mate?" he asked Dan as they were changing back into their own clothes. The designer tutting and grumbling about Kyle's ruined shirt. 

"I've got a meeting at the label," Dan explained, shoving his belongings into his back pack and swinging it over this shoulder, "I'm still trying to convince them to let us do another mixtape," he continued.

Kyle nodded, after all the lawsuits they received last time, their managers were still not keen on them doing another. 

"OK, well, when you're done let me know and we can grab a drink and have a bit of a jam, yeah?" 

 

A few weeks later the magazine hit the shelves. It was a full spread on Bastille and how they were 'Storming the Charts' _har har har,_ and detailed their recent award nominations.

It was insane! Surreal even! To see themselves in the glossy pages. They had been in magazines and newspapers before but this was a fucking five page special. They were on the front fucking cover! 

"Dude this is mental!" Dan exclaimed as he threw the advance copy down on the table.

As ever they were gathered on the tour bus en route to the next show. Woody was the first to pick up the magazine and immediately started gushing about the contents. 

"The photos came out great!" he chuckled. He held it up open to a page where a large photo of him, eyes crinkling with laughter, standing up supporting a doubled over Dan.

The article was filled with quotes Dan had supplied via a phone interview a few days after, dotted with large photos of the boys. Along with various smaller 'outtakes' of them mucking around, it included one of Woody covered in pizza shadow-boxing with Will. 

There was one photo however that really caught Dan's attention. The four of them together, sitting on a shitty old sofa, taken right at the end of the shoot. Kyle was lounging across their laps, the other three sat in a line, Dan perched casually on the edge. Dan only had the vaguest memory of it happening. But what he really _didn't_ remember was the positioning of Kyle's hands.

Innocent looking at first, but then Dan took a closer look. Kyle was propped up on one elbow across Dan's lap, the other lazily placed on his leg. But, like, on his thigh, high on the thigh, like _really_ high. Dan hasn't the slightest recollection of it happening, but there it is. Printed in high-contrast. Undeniably, there. 

Once everyone has had their fix, Dan quickly squirrelled the magazine into his backpack. The butterflies and his racing heart never seeming to calm, not later that night when he was lying in his bunk, staring at the photo for what seemed like hours. And especially not the next morning when he saw that Kyle had changed his display photo on Twitter... to that photo. _That photo_. Cropped so it was just Kyle, his sweet, smiling face, his broad shoulders and his hand... in Dan's lap.

_Oh fuck, Kyle. What am I going to do with you?_

 

*

 

Dan: Are you in London?

Joni: Sorry dude, currently Kerouac-ing it across the States

D: Mate that's awesome, who with? 

J: Christine and the Queens. Be jealous

 

Dan: GUESS WHO I FUCKING MET TODAY

Joni: Neil Buchanan?

D: DAVID MOTHER FUCKING LYNCH

J: Call me immediately  

 

Dan: Are you around at the end of the month? 

Joni: Sorry mate, back in The Shire for Christmas 

D: Until when? Not back on tour til Jan 10th

 

Joni: FUCKING GRAMMYS!!!

Dan: Don't 

J: Good luck, you deserve it x

D: No. But thanks. Are you around next week?

J: For the Brits you mean? 

D: ... yes. 

J: I can be

 

Joni: Party at my place tonight? 

*Joni has dropped a pin to her location*

Dan: South London crewww

J: Dude where are you everyone's here?

D: I'm outside let me in pls xxx

J: Thanks for coming

D: Wayyyyy 

 

Dan: Can't stop thinking about last night

Joni: Go on

D: Well... I could tell you, but I'd rather show you

J: My place or yours?

 

Joni: A little birdy told me you're in Paris 

Dan: Yeah man

J: ?

D: Hotel Banke, 20 Rue Lafayette, Rm 1121

 

Dan: Happy Birthday :) x

 

Dan: Are you home? 

Joni: Aye

D: Free now? 

J: You have 10 minutes or I'm starting without you 

 

Joni: What dates are you at Glasto? 

Dan: All of it. Always

J: See you there dickheeeeead

 

Dan: You better not be in LA and haven't told me

Joni: Ohmygod stalker 

 

Joni: ?

Dan: When

J: 11

D: (Y)

 

*

 

"What could you possibly be doing that's more important than picking up the phone to me?"

Dan smiled when he heard Joni's voice on his answer phone, and immediately dialled her number.  

This was becoming quite the regular occurrence. They saw each other from time to time at festivals and events, if they ever happened to cross paths in the same city or were back in London at the same time.

They had fallen into an unspoken rhythm, a kind of agreement. They'd meet up, as a group, or just the two of them. They'd hang out, maybe drink a little, maybe not. Then they'd go home, sometimes together, sometimes not. But it was always easy. It was exactly what ever they needed at that moment in time. 

It didn't take long before this agreement meant that they no longer needed to keep up any kind of pretence. If they managed by some miracle to be in the same city at the same time, they no longer needed to pretend they were meeting for any other reason. 

They weren't together, by any means. That was obvious. Although they spoke most days, mostly via text, and Joni had slowly become a part of Dan's life. They moved in similar friendship circles and worked with a lot of the same people. 

They had never talked about it and Dan didn't know exactly what they were. But they were definitely not together, he knew that much. They were friends, quite good friends at this point. He liked hanging out with her and talking to her. And as much as Dan didn't feel ready to be in a relationship, it seemed like Joni was more than happy with their little arrangement. 

Sometimes Dan had a crisis of conscience and wondered if they should maybe stop sleeping together. He didn't want to end up losing her as a friend. But it was so fucking good. Joni would call him up or text and Dan would come running. It really was a great set up. 

"Er, what do you want?" she said sounding exaggeratedly bored, when he phoned her back. 

Dan ignored her teasing and took great pleasure in her sudden shortness of breath, as he began to detail exactly what he wanted. He was hardly through the front door of her flat before they were two naked, tangled and writhing bodies on her sofa. 

His head between her beautiful thighs and Joni pulling at his hair. He loved this, the way her back arched and she panted and moaned his name, all voice and reason lost.

There was something so primal and satisfying to his delicate male ego about the 'toe-curling, Earth-shattering' orgasm (her words) that he managed to drag from her. He almost didn't need to get off himself, almost. Which was a good thing, because let's be honest, these meet-ups were seriously not about him. 

"There's a thing next week, it's stupid but there'll be free booze," he said in his post-coital high.  

Joni made a small humming noise that sounded very much like a no, "Do we do that?" she asked, unwrapping herself from him. 

It wasn't a question designed to be cruel, it was a genuine question about the boundaries of their 'relationship', if you could call it that. Either way it was a hit to his very recently puffed-out, chest-beating pride. 

"I'm starting to think you're only using me for my body." 

" _Shamelessly_ ," Joni grinned and bopped him on the nose. 

"Right, that's it," Dan stood up and threw her over his shoulder, she squealed helplessly. He slapped her bare backside, the contact making a satisfyingly loud smack. 

"Mr Smith you're so  _manly_ ," she sighed as he kicked her bedroom door open. 

"Fucking right". 

 

*

 

"A fuck buddy, Dan? Really? Joni?" Will stood incredulous in front of him. Dan looked around wildly to check if anyone else was around. 

"I don't know what you're talking about?" he replied slowly, apparently having decided to play dumb.

"She's my  _friend._ Fuck that she's all our friend!" Will threw his arms in the air in disbelief. 

Dan didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure what Will was trying to get at. He had never so much as feigned an interest in who Dan did or didn't sleep with, so what was with the sudden older brother act? 

"It's very mutual," Dan said, trying to mimic Will's indignant tone, "Believe me," he added under his breath.

Then a thought dawned on him, "How do you even know?"

"Girls tell each other everything," Will said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He sunk down onto the sofa next to Dan before adding defeatedly, "Believe  _me_ I know more about you than I ever needed to."

Dan nodded, trying to keep the shit-eating grin off his face. The idea of Joni telling Will's girlfriend anything about him made him feel pretty good, in the most embarrassing way possible. 

"All good things I hope," he joked, surrendering to his smugness.

"Mate, no. The level of detail. I can never un-hear that," Will cringed shaking his head, "You're a banned topic in our house now."  

 

Dan: You're in so much trouble 

Joni: Good. 

J: Why? 

 

Dan desperately wanted to know what she'd said. It felt great, is this what people without self-esteem issues and crippling self-doubt felt like all the time? 

It seemed so unlike Joni to tell people about them. She was normally so private and closed off. Unless she was just closed off to him. Joni was really good friends with Will's girlfriend but it was still weird to think they talk about this kind of thing. 

 

D: What have you been telling Awoui?

J: Wouldn't you like to know

D: Yes, yes I would. 

 

"So, if Awoui knows about me, does that mean Joni knows all about you?" Dan said, thinking out loud.

Will went white and dropped his phone to his lap. 

"Let's never talk about this again," Will said not looking at Dan.

"Agreed."

 

J: Dan? 

D: Yes? 

J: You can hit me harder if you want x

 

_Oh fuck_

 

_*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S.   
> It's recently come to me attention that this is rife with British-isms and what not. So if there are any references or phrasing that is confusing let me know in the comments and I'll 'translate' :) 
> 
> All my love  
> xxx


	11. Stuck in My Mind All the Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening! Sorry for the slow updates, writer's block is real guys and it bloody sucks!   
> This chapter was really difficult to get out. I hope you enjoy it, sorry if it's rubbish!   
> Love you all :)

Dan could hear Joni before he saw her. He walked away from the bar area and into the open green space behind it. It was a glorious summer day and people were lounging on the grass and sipping beers, listening to the music floating over from the nearest stage. This is why he loved Glastonbury. Everyone looked so happy and relaxed. 

Dan scanned the area and spotted a commotion to one side, and of course Joni was at the centre of it. She was thrown over Will's shoulder as he charged around chasing Awoui. Both girls were screaming and laughing. 

As Dan walked towards them he saw the small crowd gathered of people watching and participating, in whatever shenanigans were taking place. He spotted Tom, Coop and Janna, but no Kyle. Just then, Awoui crashed into Dan and he had to grab her arm to steady her before she fell to the floor. 

"Sorry!" She said gleefully, Will stopped dead in front of Dan, Joni still over his shoulder. All three looked like they had been caught with their hands in the biscuit tin. 

"Alright, babe?" Will said to Dan, clearing his throat awkwardly. 

Joni looked at Dan, propped up on her elbow, Dan had to laugh at her feeble attempt to act casual, "Oh, hi Dan," she said sweetly, "We were just having a game of bulldog." 

"Will is rubbish at it," Awoui giggling, by way of an explanation, "Want to play?" 

They managed to get two decent sized teams together, and played girls vs. boys, much to Joni's delight, "I've seen the Pompeii video, Dan can't run for shit!" 

He narrowed his eyes and signalled that he was coming for her, "You're going down, Jones," he growled at her under his breath as he walked past her. 

"Bring it on, Smith," she said winking. 

Despite the girls' damn well excellent performance - Janna in particular was incredible, exceptionally fast and so little she was nigh-on impossible to catch - the boys managed to snag the victory. If only winning due to Woody was a terrible cheat. A fact that Chrissy, his now wife, was particularly keen to point out whilst trying to commiserate Janna. As it turned out, if Woody was a bad winner, Janna was a worse loser.

"Come on, want to go get a drink?" Dan said to Joni, indicating back to the bar. 

"With you? No," she said pulling a faux disgusted face, and with a wink she slipped off in the direction of the bar. 

Dan jogged to catch up, smacked her on the bum and draped his arm lazily over her shoulders. Joni nudged him with her hip, and stuck her tongue out, but she didn't shrug him off like he thought she might. 

Inside the bar tent Dan spotted Kyle, he was standing with a small group of people, including their new guitarist, Charlie. 

"Hey, there you are!" Dan cheered as he walked over to them. 

They'd all had a couple of weeks off leading up to the festival season and Dan was feeling giddy with excitement to see everyone. 

After a round of hugs, Dan introduced Joni and Charlie and explained that Charlie had been in the band for the last 2 months. Kyle was quick to add how weird it felt when they were in America the month before without him. 

"Charlie couldn't come because he's an idiot and didn't get his passport or visa in time!" Dan laughed. 

"He's a part of the family already!" Kyle said throwing his arm around Charlie's shoulders. Dan and Kyle looked like proud Dad's.  

 

Sophie and Al joined them a little later, the group had made their way back to their tents after seeing a few acts. Technically the festival didn't start until the next day but a few of the stages had bands and DJs playing a few days leading up to the main event. 

The small group were sitting on camping chairs and blow-up mattresses, around a small fire made from a used disposable BBQ. Kyle and Woody had produced a crate of beer from God knows where and they were all drinking and smoking and talking. 

It was dark and the British Summer night air was beginning to bite. Everyone was wrapped up in hoodies, waterproof jackets and wellie boots. Despite the cold, Dan was having such a good time. He looked around and felt such a rush of affection for this ragtag bunch of misfits and miscreants. All of his favourite people around him; his band and some of his oldest friends. 

He was drunk, and not in the dark, reckless, intense way he used to crave. He felt happy and content. He had been smiling like an idiot for hours, his cheeks hurt, but he couldn't stop it even if he wanted to, which he didn't. 

Joni caught his eye from across the fire and threw him a smile. She jumped up like she'd just had an epiphany and rummaged in her tent. Seconds later she emerged producing a large bottle of Jameson's.

"Ta-da!" she sang merrily and everyone cheered. She skipped across the camp, narrowly avoiding the dying embers of the BBQ and sat down heavily on Dan's knee. He let out an exaggerated grunt as he readjusted her to a more comfortable position. 

Joni gave him a big, contented smile as she took a swig of the bottle, before giving him some and passing it around the group. Dan snaked his arm around her waist and pulled her in closer. She smelt of festivals; the mingling scent of booze, campfire smoke and weed. 

"We wont never be as young as we is tonight," he said giving her a lazy smile. 

Joni rolled her eyes in response, "Trust you to quote Palahnuik." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" he laughed loudly. 

"You're such a cliche!"

"Coming from you! Someone who vehemently denies being a hipster, yet you know all my obscure references," he jibed. 

"Maybe I'm just smarter than you, or maybe they're not as obscure as you think!" 

Their little debate was getting heated, they were both raising their voices and looking at each other with daggers in the eyes. Dan was now aware that everyone was watching them with amusement. 

Something flashed in Joni's eyes, the smallest smirk played on her lips, just enough for only Dan to notice. 

"This is their version of foreplay," Woody spoke up, seeing straight through them, "It's disgusting to witness, honestly," he continued casually, informing Charlie of the current situation. Charlie nodded along drunkenly not paying the slightest attention. 

"We're leaving, so you two can carry on doing, whatever weird mating ritual this is," Kyle said, waving a hand at them dismissively. He held out his hand to Janna who gladly took it as they wandered off towards one of the dance tents, still blaring out music. 

Woody's face distorted into an exaggerated grimace, as he and Chrissy followed. 

"You are an insufferable bore, you know that?" Joni said, holding Dan's chin. 

He nodded, "God I hate you," he said, giving her a crooked smile and kissing her on the cheek. Lingering there for a moment, so she could feel his breath on her cheek, his lips brushing her skin, "You wanna...?" he whispered in her ear, letting the question trail off. 

"Yes!" she jumped up and walked off without another word. 

 

Bastille's set was the next day, it was a secret set and they were only allowed to announce it a couple hours ahead of time. Which was Dan's idea of hell. He already had regular panic attacks about no one turning up to their gigs. But today there was an actual, very real chance that no one was going to be there. 

"Dude, it's gunna be awesome!" Kyle said, giving Dan a quick pat on the back, "Plus, all the girls are gunna be there, cheering us on, right?" he said turning to Janna, who was bouncing with excitement. 

"Of course!" she squeaked as Kyle wrapped his arms around her. 

"See?" Kyle said smiling at Dan and kissing Janna's head. 

That was all well and good for them to say, but Dan had lost Joni and hadn't seen her for most of the day. He'd woken up that morning in her tent and she was already gone. He managed to catch up with her at the _Slaves_ show but her and Woody were too busy moshing to really notice anyone else. 

He finally caught up with her a few minutes before they went on. He was jittery and nervous and practically jumped on her when he saw her. 

"Jesus, Dan, you scared the shit out of me!" she said, holding her hand over her heart. 

"Are you coming to watch us?" he blurted out, his voice much louder and intense than usual. 

"Why?" she chuckled, looking at him like he was messing with her. 

"Oh," he said before he could stop himself. His voice soaked with disappointment.

Dan felt guilty then, for how bad that made him feel. That she seemed so genuinely surprised that he'd asked her to come. Granted this was the first time, usually he begged her not to watch. The fact that she'd seen them play a hundred times normally made him want to die of cringe. But not today, something about today was different.

He realised then that he really liked the idea of looking into the wings and seeing Joni there, with the other wives and girlfriends. 

Joni immediately picked up that something was wrong and looked at him confused, "Shit, is it a special show? Oh!" she gasped, "Is it Will's birthday? No, that's in September," Joni cocked her head a little, waiting for Dan to explain. 

_Because it's fucking Glasto and I want you there because I'm needy as fuck OK!?_  Dan had to fight against himself, "No, nothing like that. It's just, you know... Glastonbury!" he said with a small cheer. 

"Haven't you played here before?" she said laughing at him again. She was still looking at him quizzically, as if he was telling a joke she didn't quite get. 

"Yeah, no it's cool," he laughed along, trying to play it off. 

Joni didn't seem convinced and looked at him suspiciously, "Okay?" she said slowly, "I'll come if you want me to?" she said, taking his hand. 

"No, no! Don't be silly. I hate that you have to watch us for work, so doing it in your free time... I wouldn't make you do that!" 

"You sure? You clash with _Future Islands_ , so I was going to watch them and film the set for you," she smiled a big, wide grin and squeezed his hand, "Plus Soph and everyone will be there, don't worry your fan-club will be fully represented," she teased, giving him a little nudge. 

Dan knew he was being unfair. She wasn't his girlfriend, and even if she was he'd honestly hate it if she felt obliged to come and watch him perform. 

But fuck it, she was his friend and he struggled to believe that she genuinely didn't know why her, of all people, being there to support him would mean a lot to him. Something told Dan that she was being deliberately obtuse. And that annoyed him a little bit. He liked Joni, but her insistence and determination to _not_ be a couple was quite hard to take sometimes. 

On the other hand, she said she was going to see a band he loves and she hates just to film it for him. So maybe that was her version of supporting him?

Or, and this was the most likely option, was this typical Dan over thinking everything? He mentally kicked himself, he always did this, he had stumbled upon a good thing with Joni and now he was trying to ruin it. He just couldn't help himself. 

"So... I'll see you after? Yeah?" Joni said with a small smile. 

"Er, yeah. Cool," he replied. She gave his hand another quick squeeze and walked away. 

Dan stood there for a short while, trying to clear his head. He felt firm hand on his shoulder and turned to see Kyle, ear buds already in and ready for the show. 

"You good, Danny Boy?"

"Yup. Let's just fucking do this," Dan said and skulked off towards the stage. 

Dan had done his warm ups and was mentally running through the set in his head, just before they went on. He'd all but forgotten about his conversation earlier when Kyle came up behind him. 

"Hey," Kyle said, making Dan jump a little, "forget about her," he said quietly, not quite meeting Dan's eye. 

"What?" 

"You don't need her, boss. You've got me," he looked at Dan then, both of them trying to gauge each other's reactions. 

Kyle didn't like Joni, Dan wasn't stupid, he'd noticed the eye rolling and the huffing and the way Kyle avoided being around her. But what he couldn't figure out was why. Maybe they just didn't gel? It sounded like a weak reason, especially for Kyle who always liked everyone. But that must be it because there was no other possible reason Kyle wouldn't like Joni. _Right?_

 

*

 

Dan stopped himself short just before pushing his living room door open. He could hear hushed voices and even though they were low whispers he could hear the raised tempers.

"Kyle, that is enough," Joni said. Dan could just about see through the crack in the door, she was standing, exasperated in the middle of the room, holding a hand out in front of her. Kyle was leaning, arms folded, against the window sill. 

Kyle looked around a little before continuing, "You know he's cheating on you," Dan's stomach flipped with nerves. _What the hell?_

"I know what you're doing," Joni looked at Kyle, her expression neutral, calm, impossible to read. 

Dan's mind was racing. What were they talking about? Dan hadn't cheated on Joni. He'd not slept with anyone else for months. Could Kyle be talking about someone else? Was Joni with someone else? _No, impossible, right?_

"Of course you do, you know everything. Clever little Joni, she's got everyone all figured out," Kyle said with a sneer. He walked towards her slowly, squaring up to her until they were only a breath apart. Dan had seen enough, his hand flew to the door and pushed it wide open. Joni was still looking at Kyle stubbornly, not flinching.

"Guys, what's all this?" he tried to keep his tone measured and non-accusatory. 

"Nothing, mate," Kyle sighed and walked passed him out of the room. Joni watched Kyle, Dan watched Joni. 

Dan stood in front of her and held her arms, trying to get her attention. Her face had softened as she watched Kyle leave, there was an air of sadness in it, or pity. Something unidentifiable but it wasn't the flash of anger he'd seen before, "Everything OK?" 

They heard the front door slam and Joni took a deep breath before looking at Dan, "Yeah, Kyle just being a twat. As per always," she responded, smiling unconvincingly. 

 

For days Dan tried to push what he'd heard out of his mind. But it was impossible. Isn't this how every farcical comedy starts? Someone overhears something, wrongful assumptions are made and an entire misguided plot of bad decisions and ridiculous carry-on ensues.

He should talk to one one of them. Dan chose Kyle. He told himself it was because Kyle was the one that said the offending comment, and Dan wanted to get it straight from the horses mouth. But secretly it was because Kyle was much easier to read. God forbid either of them were lying about something, not that he thought they would, but Kyle was more likely to give the game away.

"Dude, can I talk to you for a minute?" Dan asked, pulling Kyle to the side. Dan's timing was horrible. They were about to get in a car and drive to Radio 1 to play the Live Lounge. They'd done it before, but even so, everyone was bouncing with nervous excitement. It wasn't the right time to talk to Kyle about this, but they'd not been alone for a while and Dan needed to cease the opportunity. 

"What's up dude?" Kyle's nonchalance made Dan's fist curl. Which shocked him in truth, he'd never been a violent person. 

"Well, um," he stuttered, shaking his fist out. 

Kyle's eyes flicked to Dan's hand, a brief look of concern in his eyes. 

"Look," Dan continued, "I'm just going to say it. I heard you and Joni at my house the other day. Not a big deal, just want to know what you were talking about?" 

"Why, what did she tell you?" Kyle responded immediately, not at all in a way that Dan was expecting. 

"Nothing, I'm asking you first," Dan said slowly, Kyle's shoulders relaxed slightly and he nodded, running a hand through his beard. 

"OK, what specifically do you want to know?" Dan knew Kyle well enough by now to know when he was bluffing. And he definitely was. It was infuriating. 

"Mate, you told her I was cheating on her?" Dan said, hushed and urgent, much the same tone Kyle and Joni had used.

"Well, aren't you?" Kyle said, from the look on his face, he knew he'd won.

"No, I. We," Dan looked around and lowered his voice even more, embarrassed, "I haven't slept with anyone else in ages," even as Dan spoke he knew he was wasting his breath, the conversation was over. 

"You're not? OK, well. That's settled then," Kyle shrugged. His tone was light and conversational but his eyes bored into Dan. There was a tense moment where the two just stared each other, before Kyle turned on his heel without another word and left. 

This was the closest they'd ever come to the two of them acknowledging Dan's penchant for late night company. Initially this was due to Dan's innate awkwardness when talking about sex. But it had become quickly evident early on, that as much as Dan didn't want to talk about it, Kyle didn't want to hear about it. Kyle did not approve. 

There was also the tiny, insignificant issue that up until fairly recently Dan was head-over-heels, truly-madly-deeply, inconsolably, irrevocably in love with Kyle. And Dan did not want to hear about Kyle's bedroom habits either, but that's another story.  

Dan waited a beat before following Kyle to the car. They didn't talk about it again. 

They didn't talk much at all for most of the day, Kyle was sullen on the drive and all the way through the sound check. Until, that is. Will had a last minute brain wave. 

They were doing a Miley Cyrus cover and mixing it with Achy Breaky Heart. During the rehearsal Will was messing around and started playing a riff from the Lion King. Suddenly it was like a new life had been breathed into Kyle. 

"Yes boys!" Kyle cheered. He scrambled to his keyboard, singing and humming different melodies. He was waving his arms and bobbing his head as he his fingers flew across the keys. He was rambling excitedly, a manic smile on his face, "Dan! C'mon this is going to be awesome!"

Kyle played out a familiar tune and it instantly clicked in Dan's head, "Mate!" he said clapping his hands and moving to the keyboard next to Kyle. 

The two bowed their heads close together working quickly to try and get the additions to the song worked out. 

"This is going to be so much fun!" Kyle said, half to himself, half to Dan as the two beavered away. 

"Get a room!" Woody said, throwing his drumstick at the two idiots in the corner. Kyle and Dan looked at each other with matching conspiratorial grins. 

Eventually they were ready. They kept the original Cyrus v. Cyrus mash up, but additionally they were now throwing in Lion King and Eminem for good measure. 

Dan couldn't help but keep looking over to Kyle the whole time. He looked like he was having such a good time, and he had a cheeky grin permanently plastered on his face. Kyle spent the entire performance trying to make Dan laugh, which he succeeded in doing a few times, _the bastard._  

 

Back at home, Dan was scrolling through social media, reading the fan reactions. Most of the feedback was really positive, but as usual Dan could himself being sucked into the negative comments. 

But then something else caught his eye, something different entirely and completely unrelated to anything else. 

Dan didn't believe it at first and had to do a double take. A photo, from a few weekends ago. It was from a party, their friend Ben from _To Kill a King_ , had a birthday party. Well, by party, they all went to the pub and got wrecked, it was a great night. But Dan didn't remember this photo happening. 

His stomach dropped, he felt like his blood had turned to ice and suddenly everything in the room faded away. 

It was a photo, that was it. Just a photo. A playful joke between friends. It didn't matter. So why was Dan suddenly ragingly jealous? It was just two friends, messing around. Dan knew this but he couldn't help but ache to swap places with Ben. 

He looked at the photo for a long time. The two men sitting together, Kyle's hands on Ben's face, their eyes shut tight, their mouths pressed together... 

He knew he shouldn't but he couldn't stop looking. He looked at Kyle's hands, his eyes, his lips.

Dan hated himself for it but he couldn't help but feel himself spiralling into that dark place. 

_Godammit Kyle!_

He was doing so well, he was drinking less, sleeping more - and not with randoms - he was healthier, happier... But Kyle, _fuck_ , he was like a drug!

Every time Dan thinks he's doing well, Kyle pulls him back in. 

 

*

 

"What's with your face?" Joni asked narrowing her eyes. 

"What do you mean?" Dan said lazily. They were lying on his sofa, a rare Sunday afternoon when they were together, with no prior commitments, no where to go, no one to see and a free house. It was blissful. 

"You're thinking about something, come on, spit it out," she pushed. She put her book down and pushed herself off his chest to get a good look at him. 

"No, it's just. There's a thing I've been invited to, it's um, well, I can bring someone so thought you might like to come?" 

"A party? Is it a work thing? Because I don't fancy schmoozing all your industry friends." 

"Kind of," Dan answered a little surprised. He had anticipated a flat 'no' straight away, "There will be a few industry people, but just actual friends." 

"What is it?" 

"Well, Mark, you know Mark," Dan said, Joni nodded getting a little impatient, "He's, well. He's getting married so, do you want to come?" 

"It's a wedding? Fuck's sake, Dan. No!"

Dan's heart sank, all the hope that had bubbled up in him only moments ago were dashed in a second. 

"I'm not coming to a bloody wedding with you!" Joni continued. She got to her feet and ran her hands through her hair in frustration. 

"Nini, why are you getting mad at me right now? This is not the kind of thing people usually get angry about." 

"You're right, I'm sorry," she took a breath and sat back down. 

Dan looked at her for a moment. This would have been the opportune moment to start the conversation about 'them', what they were doing and where they were going. But, in truth, Dan didn't want to.

He was trying this thing where he was trying to be happy and go with the flow. And he was happy doing this, whatever this was.

Well, that and his massive recent relapse means lately, all he could think about was fucking Kyle fucking Simmons. _So, yeah, that's still a thing._

"Don't be a dick, just come," he said in the most nonchalant tone he could muster. 

"Fine!" she huffed, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly, before smiling and climbing into his lap, "Thank you," she said quietly, and giving him a sweet, loving kiss. 

 

*


	12. I'm Breaking at the Bridges and at the End of All Your Lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the last chapter today! I made myself cry... how lame am I!?  
> There's still a few chapters to go, so if you are still with me, thank you so much! I appreciate all your comments and kudos so much.  
> You are all amazing! xxx

*

Dan was really busy, like run into the ground, losing his mind busy. Bastille had a run of back to back touring, which meant travelling all day, performing every night and squeezing in hundreds of interviews. That was on top of other work commitments like writing for other bands and artists, collaborating with producers, and of course talks of album two. A subject he was massively avoiding. 

Dad hadn't seen Joni for a while. He missed her. They text and talked on the phone but she was on tour, working with the promotion team for _Royal Blood_ so she was just as busy as Dan was. 

Woody almost spit blood when he heard who she was working with, "They're the guys I introduced you to!" he had yelled into Dan's face. 

"I know," he assured him. Though it did nothing to quell the steady stream of profanities and expletives that poured from Woody's mouth for the next ten minutes. _Jesus, is this what I look like when I go off on one?_

"If I could be in any other band, it would be Royal Blood," Woody continued to gush, "they're the fucking guys, you know? They're going to be huge. You heard it here first folks". 

By some bizarre miracle Dan and Joni were both in London on the same weekend. Dan's tummy did a little flip when he saw her text appear on his screen, asking what his plans for the weekend were. He immediately dialled her number, nearly tripping as he ran up the stairs to his bedroom. 

"Gross, it's you," she said in an exaggeratedly disgusted voice. 

"Oh my god! What do you want!?" he demanded. 

"Err, leave me alone," she said in a drawn out droll, like an exasperated teenager. 

Like most of their conversations this went on for a while before one of them broke and moved the conversation on. 

Dan was supposed to be going to a birthday party that evening and he prayed, as they chatted nonsense and quickly caught up, that Joni was up for it. There was a guilty part of his brain that knew he wouldn't go if she suggested doing something else instead. 

"It's fancy dress, it sounds lame but we do it all the time and it always good fun," Dan thought he could actually hear her rolling her eyes. 

"Sounds fun!" 

"What? Really?" 

Joni's boundless enthusiasm for the most random things never ceased to surprise him. Especially seeing as he could never predict it. Things Dan was certain Joni would love, often got him nothing more than a shrug of acknowledgement. 

Joni, who loves weird, art-house films and cheesy discos, laughed for three days about a goat they saw in Brussels. Joni, who couldn't have seemed less phased about going on stage to collect her Festival of the Year award but cried when Jarvis Cocker knew her name. 

Joni seemed, dare he say it, excited, to attend a bang-on-trend nineties themed party in a painfully cool part of London. It was an offer Dan had been sure would get a solid 'No, never'. But instead received a resounding 'yes' and an offer to come round early with costume ideas. She even agreed to go semi-matching. 

It was not a truly matching costume, as everyone would be dressed fairly similarly. But Dan and Al needed a third to be able to be the Beastie Boys, so Joni agreed and even offered to make Dan a huge gold chain to wear. 

"I haven't seen you in ages," she said dropping her voice slightly so it sounded low and breathy over the phone. _Ah there we go,_  Dan thought, _mystery solved._

On the way to the bar Joni and Dan got their own taxi, as there were too many of them to fit into one car, and they'd been a little late getting ready, having been preoccupied most of the afternoon. 

Dan dropped his head to whisper in Joni's ear, "Next time I want you to do something, do I just have to withhold sex for a couple of weeks to get you to do it?" he said with a low chuckle. 

"What are you talking about?" she shot back at him, with zero humour in her face. 

"I just mean, I wouldn't have thought this was your thing at all, and, you know, what you said earlier," Dan tried to laugh it off but Joni didn't join in, simply nodding thoughtfully. 

"Is that what you think of me?" she asked eventually after a long while. She wasn't looking at Dan, Dan hadn't taken his eyes off her. He watched as she looked out of the window without seeing, rainy London speeding past. 

"No, of course not," Dan tugged gently on the sleeve of the huge denim jacket she was wearing. 

"It's OK if it is. If I've given you that impression," she turned to him then. He searched her face looking for any hint, any sign as to what she was thinking. 

"No, Joni, it was just a joke," Dan insisted. He was desperately trying to keep his tone flat and measured like hers. But as usual his body betrayed him. 

He cupped her cheek in his hand and pulled her into a deep kiss, she reciprocated immediately, pushing into him. 

"Joni," he breathed, breaking the kiss slightly. But she shook her head and pulled him back, her hands were in his hair, on his chest. They only broke away completely when the taxi driver cleared his throat. 

"Sorry," they both mumbled. 

"I'm sorry," Joni said again, but this time to Dan. 

"No, I shouldn't have said it, it was a stupid joke. Don't listen to me, I'm an idiot," he took her hand, rubbing little circles with his thumb. 

"I really like hanging out with you, it's not just, you know," she smiled. 

"I know. It's OK."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." 

"Would you tell me if it wasn't?" she said with a knowing smile. He laughed and placed another small kiss on her lips. 

 

Just as Dan expected the party was a lot of fun. There were so many people there that Dan and Joni knew. They spent most of the night either dancing badly to all the nineties music, or chatting with friends in the tented outside smoking area. 

Dan and Joni were those annoying people you get at parties that had enough fun for everyone. They were loud and obnoxious with their good spirits. 

There was one small hiccup when a mutual friend asked if the two of them were finally going to just 'be a fucking couple already?'.

It made Dan feel great at first, having people acknowledge them together. Their relationship, for the most part, was carried on behind closed doors. So being out in public, showing off how good they were together, how much fun they were and to have people notice? That felt pretty fucking good. 

But when asked Joni instantly dropped Dan's hand and hurriedly informed them that they were definitely not a couple. It was hard for Dan to ignore the pang of pain he felt at Joni so vehemently denying him. Especially after their moment in the taxi, he thought they'd made some real progress forward. 

They had spent so much of the night acting like a couple. Wasn't it high-time they stopped kidding themselves and bit the bullet, called a spade a spade? And every other cliche in the book. 

"Are you OK?" Joni asked, as they walked to the bar. Dan didn't want to talk to her now and ruin the night, it wasn't the time. He looked at her and she was smiling so wide, she was having so much fun, he made a mental note to get out of his head and enjoy the party. 

"Yeah, of course!" he said, grabbing her in his arms and placing a wet, sloppy kiss on her cheek. 

She shrieked and laughed, grabbing him around the neck to reciprocate. Dan straightened up so she was dangling from him, and roared swinging his arms out wide. Joni was nearly as tall as him, but he still liked to use his height to his advantage. They were both laughing like maniacs when Joni dropped suddenly, her face pale and looking into the crowded bar. 

"Anna," Joni said, her voice startled and shaky. Dan looked from her to the room in front of them, trying to pick out who she was talking to. 

It was made immediately obvious however when a tall woman with dark red hair turned around and immediately locked eyes on Joni, her face lit up when she saw her. The woman was stunning, possibly the most intimidatingly beautiful person Dan had ever seen in real life. _Or anywhere_ , for that matter 

"Oh my God, Joni!" Anna came running over, a hypnotising stream of red hair bouncing elegantly behind her. 

Joni looked like a deer in head lights, Dan had never seen her like this. She seemed out of her element, nervous even. He was so used to Joni being the confident and charismatic one, possibly verging on intimidating herself. 

Anna came over and swept Joni up in a hug. There was something in the way that Joni closed her eyes and Anna rubbed her back, the hug lingering just a little longer than expected that grabbed Dan's attention. 

"You look amazing," Anna said letting go of Joni, her hands travelling the length of Joni's arms, from her shoulders until finally settling, holding Joni's hands.

"So do you!" Joni squeaked. 

Dan cleared his throat. 

"Anna, this is my friend Dan," Anna said hello but neither of them looked at him. _They've had sex,_ Dan thought. 

The two girls started to talk quickly, and even though Dan wasn't drunk, he was lost. The talk was so fast and full of people, places and things he didn't know about. Without context, or any offer of, he couldn't keep up. 

He excused himself, and like all good writers, found sanctuary at the bar. He spotted Kyle and Janna there too and made a beeline for them. 

If Dan and Joni were obnoxious, Kyle and Janna were sickening. They were so sweet together, and looked like models that just stepped out of a high-end fashion magazine. Both of them gorgeous. Kyle with his height, and although rugged, was eye-wateringly pretty. And Janna who was tiny and pixie-like in comparison, cute and weird and had more energy than a toddler on a sugar high. 

As Dan approached them, Kyle spotted him from over Janna's shoulder and untangled himself from her and nodded a greeting. 

"Where's your girlfriend?" Janna asked, knocking her hip into Dan teasingly. Dan only pointed in their direction by way of an answer. All three turned to where Joni and Anna were talking.

Kyle whistled loudly, assessing the pair, "Wow, who's that?" 

"Ex-girlfriend, I think," Dan answered.  

"What makes you think that?" Janna asked. 

Joni and Anna were talking quickly, heads close together. Joni whispered something to Anna, who threw her head back and laughed loudly. Loud enough for them to hear from the bar, it was like music. Anna had to wipe an actual tear from her eye once she'd recovered. 

She rubbed Joni's arm and squeezed it. Even from this distance, Dan could see Joni looked flushed. The way the two were looking at each other, Dan all at once knew what the expression 'hearts in their eyes' meant. 

"Oh yeah, they've definitely had sex," Janna said swigging her beer. 

"Mate, I don't know whether to commiserate you or congratulate you," Kyle laughed, patting Dan on the back.

"Why aren't you over there talking to them?" Janna asked, the three of them shamelessly watching Joni and Anna. 

"I tried, it's like they've got their own language," Dan said, sipping on his drink. 

"Yeah, God, that must be so annoying," Kyle's voice was dripping with sarcasm. He looked at Janna and winked. She laughed and nudged Dan with her shoulder making Dan smile smugly. _Yeah, he and Joni were pretty annoying together._

Dan found her a little while later outside, she was still talking to Anna. He slipped his arm around Joni's waist and to her credit she didn't pull away like he feared she might. She actually leaned into him and smiled, he pulled her a little closer and she rested her head on him as she listened to whatever story Anna was telling. 

"Joni what was that song you used to sing to me? It had my name in it," Anna asked. 

"Do you mean  _Anna?"_ Joni said laughing. She looked at Dan and playfully shook her head. Anna just looked blankly back at her, waiting to be let in on the joke. 

" _Anna_ ," Joni said again, "by The Beatles!" she pressed, shock and amused bewilderment etched across her face. 

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Joni's face changed from playful teasing to something else, something more intense, "You're complete refusal to retain any kind of musical education always amazes me," Joni said her voice low and breathy. 

"You were always a terrible teacher," Anna's voice matched Joni's; quiet, almost a whisper. 

The two stayed like that for a long moment, silently, eyes locked. Joni was the first to look away, Dan felt her weight shift away from him, she cleared her throat and picked at her bracelet. 

Anna reached forward and took her hand, "It was really good to see you, you look really well. Are you looking after yourself?" 

"Of course," Joni said. Anna smiled and squeezed her hand. She looked at Joni and Dan, gave them both a dazzling smile and walked away. 

Joni took a huge breath and turned to Dan. 

"Drink?" he asked. 

"Oh God, yes," she sighed dramatically and fell against him. He dropped his arm heavily across her shoulders and directed her towards the bar. 

They danced and drank and danced some more and Joni never gave Dan any reason to think anything was wrong. When they got back to his place they both fell into bed, exhausted, and fell straight to sleep. 

In the early hours of the morning Dan woke up when his bedroom door opened and he realised Joni was no longer next to him. He let out a disappointed sigh and tried to get back to sleep, without dwelling on how much it hurt that Joni still felt the need to sneak out in the middle of the night. 

Just then he heard a movement by his bed, his eyes shot open to see Joni putting a glass of water on his bedside table. 

"Hi," she whispered softly, "Can I?" she said gesturing to him. He moved back a little and she sat on the edge of the bed. She smiled at him and stroked his cheek. 

"I'm so glad you're still here," he whispered, taking her hand and kissing it. 

"Of course, where else would I be?" 

Dan's heart swelled to the point where he thought he might actually be having a heart attack. He wanted to be consumed by her, encased in her. He wanted to grab her and bury himself in her, imprisoned and never set free. 

Joni slipped into the bed next to him, he was so relieved and happy to see her he enveloped her into the covers, wrapping his arms around her and nuzzling into her neck. She giggled quietly and tried to shush him. 

In the beginning Dan saw Joni as wild and care free, and he wanted to be that too. He wanted to be the one she was silly with, he wanted to be the one she danced around like an idiot with and sang at the top of her lungs with. He wanted to be able to throw her over his shoulder and charge around a field, be the one to make her laugh with her whole body until they collapsed in a heap, weak-limbed and tearful. Like he had seen her do with other people. 

But now he realised it was these moments; these quiet moments when all the walls were down, when there was no performance and no one else demanding anything of her, that he savoured the most. 

It was times like these that Dan got to see a side of her that was reserved just for him. Joni was always kind, always generous and he _always_ had to share her with everyone else. 

But when he had her like this, in his arms, when it was quiet and all the business and madness had gone away; when it was just them in their private bubble with nothing between them, it was perfect. He missed it, he craved it, and he thought about it all the time. 

 

The next morning Dan woke up with a serenity in him he didn't know he was able to feel. 

He didn't mention it to Joni. Nor did he bring up the subject of the previous night, the party, or Anna. It was none of his business who Joni had slept with. She had never asked about his sexual past and he didn't want to the jealous boyfriend.  _Boyfriend._

"I can hear you thinking," Joni said, eyes still closed. 

"Nini, I've been thinking for a while. I... really missed you the last couple of weeks," he said leaning on his elbow looking at her. 

"Yeah it's been a while hasn't it. You're so busy you don't have time for us muggles," she teased. 

"Well, I am the Boy Wonder." 

"No, that's not-" Joni started to correct him but cut herself off laughing at him, as he grimaced. 

"I know, I know," Dan laughed, "He's the Charmed One, right?" 

Joni shrieked loudly, "Chosen One!" 

He groaned loudly and pulled her onto his chest in an attempt to halt any insults, that were bound to come flying out of her mouth any second. She laughed more as he pretended to smother her with a pillow. 

He loved her laugh (even in the early morning and it really was far too loud for that time of day). He took her hand and played with her fingers, he loved her hands, even though they constantly looked sore and were all chewed and raw. When he looked at her face she was watching him, she bit her lip. He was crazy about her. 

He kissed her and she pulled him onto her. 

Dan didn't want this half-life anymore, he wanted something real, and authentic. He missed Joni all the time when she wasn't around, missed her voice, her loud, booming laugh. Missed her reading out the crime section of local papers and her daily updates on whatever horrific or harrowing documentary she was watching. 

He lifted his head from her shoulder and she whinged trying to pull him back. 

"We're going to the States next week, just for a couple of days, you should come. Please, come with me?"

"Dan," she sighed gently. He knew she was about to say no but he couldn't stop himself.

"Please it'll be fun." 

"What, on the bus with all you guys? I don't-" 

"We're not on the bus! We're in New York for a couple of nights, then Chicago, then finishing in LA. I told you, it's only a couple of days, please." 

"Dan, I can't," her voice was becoming short, frustrated. 

"Why not?" 

"Because," she huffed, exasperated, "I... I'm not your girlfriend, Dan." 

"You could be, if you wanted to. We could make this a real thing, I really like you Joni, I want this to be real," _stop talking!_  Why couldn't he stop talking? Well, at least he'd finally said it. 

He knew how this was going to go as soon as he started talking. She was going to say no, and then he would have to pretend, again, that that was fine, again, and he doesn't care, again. But he did care, he really did. 

When Dan came out of the shower, Joni was already dressed and downstairs in the kitchen talking to Sophie about Sophie's new job. They all finished their coffees and Sophie left, she was meeting Kate to go to the new show at the South Bank Gallery. 

"Is that the exhibition you mentioned the other day? We should go," Dan said putting another coffee on for them both. 

"Dan, I think we should stop seeing each other."

He felt like he had been hit by a lorry, he couldn't have possibly heard her right. "I just think that we want different things. I'm so sorry.  But I can't be your girlfriend." 

Dan was crushed. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears. Everything around him seemed to shift, he was so confused and hurt and... and confused. And just,  _so_ utterly confused. 

"No, please Joni, don't do this. Please," at first his voice came out calm. He wanted to have a serious adult conversation about this. 

He had scared her this morning. He knew Joni well enough at that point to know what he'd said earlier was never going to go down well. He wanted to apologise and take it all back and they could go back to normal. 

But when he tried to speak again he could hear his voice coming out desperate. It cracked and broke and he began to beg and plead.They both started to cry and the whole thing felt dramatic and awful but Dan couldn't stop. 

He pushed the chair aside and fell to his knees, wrapping his arms around her waist, gripping her. Her hands were in his hair, holding him to her. Her scent consumed him and he couldn't believe this was the last time they were going to be together like that. 

He stood up to look in her eyes, both hands on her face. Her eyes were closed, not looking at him. He wiped the fat droplets of tears off her cheeks with his thumbs.

"Joni, please, just look at me," he pleaded,"Please Nini, please don't go. I love you." 

"No. You don't," she said quietly, kindly. She had stopped crying then, and was smiling sadly, stroking his hair. 

"I do. I could, if you let me, we could." 

She shook her head a little, "Dan, I do love you, but not in the way you want. I really want to stay friends with you, but I can't be what you need. I don't want- I'm not what you need." 

"You don't want me?" He was desperately trying to not let any anger bubble inside him. That's not how he wanted this to go. 

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did, you were going to say that you don't want me, Joni." 

"Dan, stop. I'm not going to fight with you. I'm doing this because I don't want to hurt you. We want different things and I couldn't live with myself if I strung you along."

"What, like you've been doing for the past year?" he said bitterly. 

"OK," she nodded, picking her bag up off the table. 

She gave Dan's hand a small squeeze and she left. 

 

*

 

Dan was still thinking about Joni when they flew to the US for their mini mini-tour. He blamed himself, of course. 

He threw himself into work, they were only playing a handful of small, intimate shows but Dan was determined to rework the entire set, make it fresh and exciting. 

"Loving this energy!" Lexi, their label manager left him a voice mail from the London office, "Maybe we can direct some of it into this second album Mr Smith, hm?" 

Dan groaned, he didn't need this kind of pressure right now. They had songs, a whole bunch of them actually. Some of them they were even playing live, plus the Vs mixtape they just released. What more did the label want from them. _Oh yeah, a second fucking album!_

After their second show in NY the band and crew went out on the lash and went bar hopping around the city. Some of their friends from home had come with them for a weekend away, and it had turned into quite a wild night. 

Dan found himself sat by himself in a booth. He wasn't really sure where everyone else was, but he was relieved for the moment alone so he didn't have to pretend everything was OK. 

He felt the seat next to him dip, and looked up to see Kyle sitting close, concern etched into his face.

"Hey, you OK babe?" Kyle asked, squeezing Dan's knee under the table. Dan looked down to his lap and then up to Kyle's face. He was too drunk to lie. 

"Joni broke up with me," he said matter-of-factly. Kyle just nodded, as if he suspected something of the sort. 

"I know you never liked her, but I did," Dan said not looking away from his friend's eyes. 

"Dan, it wasn't like that. Joni, she.." Kyle trailed off. 

"What?" Dan couldn't follow he was too drunk. 

"Joni she- I've not been a great friend... to you or her. And Joni called me out on that. She's a good person." 

Dan shrugged. Kyle continued to comfort him, tucking an arm around him and letting Dan's head fall on his shoulder. 

"Why do keep I falling for people who don't want me?" 

"What are you talking about?" Kyle said lifting his head from Dan's. He tucked a finger under Dan's chin and turned his face so they were looking at each other, "You're just talking about one person right, Joni?" 

Dan was thinking about Joni, and Jake, and Kyle. 

Kyle, who is so lovely. Who makes him laugh like no one else in the world, who is so smart, and confident and is right in front of him looking so fucking hot. 

Dan loves Kyle, there he's admitted it, he loves this man, so fucking much. Dan wanted to touch him, to kiss him, to hold him and never let go. 

"What's wrong with me, Kyle?" his voice was shaking, as was the rest of him. But in that moment, he didn't care. 

"Oh Dan," Kyle said. He touched his cheek, his eyes locked on Dan's. 

Dan felt like his heart might explode, he forgot how to breathe. 

Kyle quickly moved his hand to Dan's shoulder, the affectionate look in his face gone in a second. 

Dan's head was spinning. He was running away with himself, something he knew he would kick himself for in the morning. But all he could think about, were all those little looks, and little touches. All those moments he thought were all in his head, or just part of Kyle's eccentric and affectionate personality. 

What if Dan hadn't imagined them? What if Kyle liked him too? What if this was possible? 

But just as Dan had suspected. The next morning he awoke with a huge hangover and feeling like the biggest idiot of all time. 

He delicately walked into the the hotel restaurant to find Kyle in high spirits, flirting outrageously with Tom and his ever rolling camera. 

Dan thought that maybe Kyle was ignoring him because he'd not so much as looked in his direction all morning. But as they were leaving the hotel, on their way to take a stroll around Central Park, Kyle threw his arm around Dan's shoulder and leaned in close to his ear. 

"It'll take some time, but you _will_ get over Joni. It's fucking hard, I know, but I'm here for you, mate, yeah?"

 

"Sophie!" Dan moaned loudly. They were in his hotel room, suffering immensely from their second night out in a row. She was packing to go back to London, Dan should be packing for Chicago, but he was hungover and feeling all kinds of emotional.

"What?" she said mimicking his long, drawn out syllables. 

"What am I doing with my life?" Dan lamented dramatically, "You've all got someone and what do I have? Kyle and Will both live with their girlfriends. I mean, fuck, Woody's married and now Mark! For fuck's sake." 

"Dan, calm down, what are you saying? You want to get married?" Sophie said raising her voice to cut Dan off. She was looking at him like he had lost his mind, which, maybe he had. 

"No, I... I just. I don't even know," Dan said defeated. Sophie shoved the last few items into her suitcase and sat next to Dan on his bed. He laid down with his head in her lap and she brushed her fingers through his hair. 

"You're frustrated and tired and I get it. But you can't rush these things."

Dan didn't say anything at first, only hummed in response. Eventually letting out a sigh, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. You're right. Sorry Soph, what did I ever do to deserve you?" 

"I clearly did something terrible in a previous life." 


	13. Just like the River I've Been Running Ever Since

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you all for sticking with me!   
> As always your comments and Kudos mean the absolute world and keep me going.   
> Uni is seriously kicking my butt, but exams are nearly over and Summer is just around the corner
> 
> x

*

Dan didn't really want to go, but it was for charity and it was set to be a good night. 

Kate was hosting a Cabaret night and had booked a variety of different dancers and performers, a singer-song writer and two drag artists. Sophie and Al were going, as well as a few of Kate's work friends. So Dan knew it would be fun, but he was fried. 

The band had just come home from a month long stint away, and even though it was by no means their longest tour, it had been pretty full on. All Dan really wanted to do was to curl up into his bed and sleep for about a week. But he knew that he should really put in the effort, now he was home.

He'd been a little distant the last few weeks, and had been really bad at keeping in contact with family and friends back home. Which only aided his feelings of isolation. But he was back now and determined to be better. No more moping, no more pining. No more. 

"How are you feeling?" Sophie asked him as they walked from their house to the bus stop. 

"Yeah good! Tired, but good. Happy to be home," he gave her a big grin and threw his arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. 

"Get off me, you big softy," she joked. 

The charity night was being held in the function room of a pub not too far from where they lived. There was a large bar area with carpets and small, wooded tables with mismatching, upholstered stools. Everything was dark, and old and slightly shabby. But somehow it worked.

They made their way around the back to where Kate had finished setting up and was sitting at one of the tables with some friends Dan recognised from other Kate-centric events. 

"Oh here he is! Where the fuck have you been, stranger?" Kate said, spotting Dan, Al and Sophie as they entered. 

Kate jumped up from her chair and ran to Dan and gave him a swift punch on the arm before grabbing him and pulling him into a bear hug. 

The conversation flowed easily and Dan quickly relaxed, after Kate's initial jibe the subject of Dan being a shit friend was dropped. The three of them knew Dan well enough by now to know that he was probably torturing himself about his misgivings enough for all of them. And they would never wanted to add fuel to that fire. Instead, they were just happy they were all back together and could enjoy the night as a foursome.

Dan excused himself after the first act, an incredibly talented burlesque-style, acrobatic duo. His phone had been going off like crazy in his pocket and there was a whole host of disasters it could be. 

He and Mark were in the process of signing a couple of acts to their newly formed record label; Erica and Dick were trying to organise their summer festival diary and Lexie was still on his case about booking in studio time for LP2. 

As he entered the smoking area looking for signal, he briefly debated throwing his phone over the wall and telling everyone he'd lost it. That would buy him maybe 12 hours of respite?

"You, have _got_ to be kidding me!" 

Dan heard a voice behind him. He quickly spun around to see the familiar tall, thin frame, the pretty face and the mop of curls he hadn't seen for a long time. 

"Jake?" he said in disbelief, pocketing his phone and forgetting instantly about all his worries. 

"Dan Smith, as I live and breathe," Jake smiled wide at him, "What the _fuck_ are you doing here?" 

Dan smiled hearing Jake say his full name. He remembered not giving Jake his surname, or telling him about the band, so hearing his name on Jake's lips was a thrill. The tiny egotistical part of him liked the idea that Jake had thought about him, had somehow figured out who he was. 

Jake swept him up in a hug, the held him at arms length, surveying him. 

"Hey, congrats on the Brit by the way," Jack said with a wide, toothy grin. 

His hair was shorter and darker than when Dan had last seen him. He still had the trade mark curls on top, but the back and sides were short, and painfully on trend. Dan's hand subconsciously rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his recently shaved hair there.   

"I'm proud of you," Jake continued, giving Dan's arm a light squeeze, "Even if you didn't actually tell me who you were. I almost had a heart attack when I saw you on the fucking TV!" 

Dan laughed nervously, running his hands through his hair, "Yeah, sorry about that. I, um-"

"Ancient history," Jake waved his hand cutting Dan off with a wink.

The pair continued to talk and drink and laugh well into the evening. Dan would have described it as catching up but he realised early into their conversation that he didn't really know Jake at all. 

"Well, I graduated last year. And now I'm a software developer, I know so glamorous. I bet you had me pegged as some sort of model or something, right?" Jake said with a flare. 

He was making a joke but Dan looked him up and down as he spoke and in all honesty, he wouldn't have been surprised if Jake was a model. Or at least in the fashion industry in some capacity. 

The few times Dan had seen Jake he was always incredibly well dressed and immaculately presented. He remembered the day at the coffee shop when Jake wore tight, ripped black jeans and an oversized, light denim jacket with the wool lining. Dan bought a jacket similar after that, though he rightly decided he couldn't pull off the ripped jeans look. 

"So, what's it like to be famous?" Jake asked, making Dan cringe. 

"I'm hardly- I'm not famous," Dan said shaking his head. But Jake was not about to accept that as an answer. 

"That's bullshit and you know it. There was a period of, like, a year, where I couldn't go anywhere without hearing that volcano song," Jake said incredulously. 

Dan snorted a laugh, "Yeah, sorry about that," he looked at Jake who was flashing him a stomach-flipping smile. 

"It's OK, I like your music," Jake said, not breaking the eye contact.

"Oh God, why? It's awful!" he tried to laugh and lessen the growing tension he was feeling. Good tension, like, a tingling, electric kind of energy, tension. 

"Whoa," Jake said dragging out the word slowly. He was frowning and holding his hand out between them.

"What?" Dan was flustered, he even looked around to see if there was something going on behind him. 

"Don't you have, like, a million fans?" Jake cocked his head and narrowed his eyes at Dan, "Don't you think that's a little disrespectful to them all? Like, 'it's cool you bought our CD and concert tickets, but you're all wrong. Thanks for the cash though!', little harsh don't you think?"

Dan couldn't help but laugh. He was humble to a fault, that was nothing new. Jake certainly wasn't the first person to pull him up on it, but he was the first to make him answer for it. 

"I guess?" 

"Well fucking stop it. You know you're good! So stop being a dick and just say thanks. OK?" 

"OK," Dan couldn't stop smiling, "thanks."

Later in the evening, after speaking to Jake throughout most of the show, Dan rejoined Kate and friends in the little function room next to the bar. He apologised for missing most of the acts, but Kate had been so busy running around behind the scenes that she hadn't really noticed. 

"Still, I feel bad. I'll buy you a drink, yeah?" he offered.

"Bottle of white for the table please," she said with a grin. Dan rolled his eyes and shook his head at her. But he took note of how many glasses they needed and headed to the bar nonetheless. 

As Dan left the room he heard a voice call his name, he turned to see Jake making a bee-line for him, "Oh good, I'm glad I saw you again," Jake said with a big smile that gave Dan a flutter of butterflies. 

"Yeah?" 

Jake pointed around the corner and the two stood in the small, empty hallway. Jake looked around before speaking, his voice low, "I wasn't sure if you were, you know, like out yet or whatever. I know you were still, um, before-"

Dan nodded, "Yeah that's still, I-"

"That's fine," Jake cut him off, "I just wanted to tell you that I had a really good time tonight and if you wanted to go for a drink or something?" 

All Dan could do was nod and smile, all words had folded up into his mouth, "Yeah? That's great." 

Jake hopped a little, he got out his phone and the two swapped numbers, again. When Jake put Dan's phone back in his hand it lingered there for a second. Dan watched as his fingers brushed across Jake's. He let them dance along the back of his hand and then link together. 

He heard Jake's small intake of breath and looked up from their hands and into Jake's eyes. He pulled a little and Jake took a little step towards him. The gap between them closed and he could feel Jake's heart was beating just as fast as his. 

"Why do I feel nervous?" Jake whispered, letting a small laugh escape. 

Dan smiled and the two stood together, looking at each other for a short moment before Dan lightly pressed his lips to Jake's. His response was instant, leaning into him and cupping Dan's cheek. 

"Mm, I think I preferred it last time," Dan said with a cheeky grin, Jake gave him an amused, questioning look, "Yeah, the last time we kissed you slipped me a pill," Dan joked. 

"Oh my God, stop!" Jake said, covering his face with his hands and burying himself into Dan's shoulder. Dan laughed and wrapped his arms around Jake's slim frame. 

"Hey," Dan said quietly, Jake looked up at him slowly. Dan kissed him again, it was quick, almost chaste, "Dinner next week?" 

Jake nodded and flashed him that amazing smile. Dan looked at him still pressed against him, Dan's arms around him, so close their noses were still slowly moving together. He could get used to this. 

 

The next morning Dan walked into the kitchen, not skipping because he wasn't five years old, but there was definitely a lightness in his steps. He poured some of the fancy coffee grounds into his newly acquired coffee machine and ate a banana whilst watching the pot slowly fill. 

"What's the occasion?" Sophie asked as she entered the kitchen, nose in the air savouring the smell. 

"Just fancied a treat, want one?" he asked. Sophie nodded as she slumped into a chair at the table and let her head fall into her arms. 

Neither of them said anything more, even when he put a mug down in front of her and took a seat at the table, and scrolled through various apps on his phone. They sat in companionable silence until Dan was just about finished his coffee and debating another. 

"Dan, are you gay?" Sophie's voice rang out, it echoed around the kitchen and reverberated around and around in Dan's head. 

He knew she didn't say it loudly, in fact it was barely audible at all. But the way Dan's heart stopped and his stomach jumped up into his throat and his eyes went so wide they could have fallen out, Sophie might as well have screamed in into his face. 

Slowly, after what felt like hours, Dan turned to face her, she still had her head in her arms and was watching him carefully. 

"I, I told myself I was never going to ask you," she lifted her head as she spoke and reached out, putting her hand on his, "I always said to myself you would tell me in your own time. But, fuck, I'm sorry." 

Dan didn't know what to say. This was Sophie. His rock, his champion, his safe place. Sophie, who had always believed in him and supported him and been there for him, always. She was his most favourite person in the world. He should just tell her. He should have told her years ago. So why were the words not coming out? 

"I saw you last night. Kissing. A guy," she spoke slowly, carefully, not looking away from him, "You looked really happy, Dan" she said with the nicest, most sincere smile he'd ever seen. 

She squeezed his hand and he wanted to die, his heart swelled so much for her. _Fucking Sophie._

She got up out of her chair and wrapped her arms around him, leaning her head on his. He rubbed her arm and they swayed a little, savouring the closeness. 

"So? Are you?" she asked again, eventually, after a few minutes. Sophie sat back in her chair and resumed her position, one hand on Dan's, holding it protectively. 

"Yes? No? I don't know. Bi. I think," Dan said, once he was finally able to speak. She looked at him for what felt like a long time. 

"OK," she smiled again. She gave his hand one more squeeze and let go. She stood up and took both of their mugs to go and refill them.  

"Do you not want to ask me more questions?" Dan said almost dumbstruck. 

"Do you want me to ask you more questions?" she said not looking at him, still busying herself with their coffees. 

"Um, maybe. Isn't coming out supposed to be, like, a big deal?" 

Sophie came back to the table and put the mugs down, she took a sip thoughtfully and then looked at him, "I think it can be whatever you want it to be. Have you told anyone else?" 

"No." 

"Do you want to?" 

"No, not really." 

"OK." 

"OK."

 

*


	14. This Delusion in our Heads is Going to Bring Us to Our Knees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning***   
> Homophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So this chapter was a real pain to try and get out! 
> 
> So I really, really hope you all like it! Hopefully it makes sense and all that! I really struggled, so please let me know if anything needs clearing up or it's just shit basically :) 
> 
> Thank you all so so much for sticking with me! I love you guys all so much! :) x

*

Dan and Jake had been seeing each other for a few weeks now, it was going really well. If Dan did say so himself. It was simple with Jake, they liked each other and that was that. He had text Jake the day after they met at Kate's cabaret night, to follow up on his invitation of food. They went for a drink later that week and had seen each other nearly every day since. 

In all honesty, Dan had just been reaching out a hand of friendship. It felt something akin to fate, bumping into Jake, and he didn't want to let the opportunity slip through his fingers. But after everything that had happened between them, he would have never been so presumptuous as to expect anything more. 

But as Jake so articulately put it, that was never going to happen. 

"I'm sorry, Dan," Jake said blowing smoke out into the night. They were drinking on the little balcony of Jake's flat, the red wine making their heads heavy and their tongues loose, "I never had any intention of being your friend."

Dan looked at Jake, a lazy smile playing on his face. The lights of the city were shining in his curly hair and Dan watched the contours of his profile. He couldn't understand how he got so lucky, why someone like Jake would want someone like him.

"I remember when I first saw you," Jake said, looking out onto the endless blocks of identical concrete towers, "do you?"

Dan nodded, he did remember. But he wanted to hear Jake's retelling of it. He was both intrigued and scared in equal measure. The way he remembered that night, he was a mess, it was during one of his darker periods and he still had flash backs of Jake's bruised cheek. 

"You were at a gay bar, in a _fucking_ grey hoodie, with a wolf on the back. I thought, this guy is either straight and lost, or a thief. And lost," Jake added stubbing out his cigarette and pointing at Dan. 

Dan laughed loudly. He loved the way Jake spoke, with natural charm and wit. He reached out his hand and taking Jake's, pulled him towards him. Jake stood up off the chair and came to sit on Dan's lap.

"You were lost," Jake said looking down at Dan, taking his face in his hands. 

"I was lost," Dan agreed, looking up into Jake's beautiful face. He brushed a curl off his forehead, resting his hand on the back of Jake's neck. 

Jake bent down to kiss him sweetly, "You were looking for me?" Jake said, pulling away from Dan's lips just enough to let the words land. 

"I was looking for you."

 

*

 

Dan woke up with the sun streaming through the window. Blinking against the light, he rolled over and saw the sleeping man next to him. He smiled and reached out to stroke the dark curls off of Jake's forehead and kissed him lightly. 

Jake stirred and smiled up at him, "Morning gorgeous," he said sleepily. 

"Morning," Dan replied, placing small kisses along Jake's jawline. 

"Breakfast?" he asked, holding Dan to him. Dan shook his head and made a noise of disagreement. 

"Can't, we're meeting Soph, remember?" 

"Oh yes of course! The famous Sophie," Jake said, sitting up slightly. 

He flashed Dan a huge smile and Dan's stomach flipped, "Maybe we can be a little late," Dan said, his voice low, barely audible as he buried his face in Jake's neck. 

Jake laughed and pushed Dan away, "Mr Smith, I think you're trying to seduce me!" 

"Fucking right I am," Dan's voice rumbled deep in his chest. 

Jake protested loudly and wiggled out of Dan's grasp and shot off towards the bathroom. 

"Oi!" Dan jumped up and chased him towards the door, crashing into Jake's chest of drawers in the process. 

Dan managed to catch up with Jake and wrapped his arms around him, growling and nuzzling his neck. Jake shrieked and both of them tumbled into the bathroom slamming the door behind them, laughing and trying to shush each other, lest they wake the whole flat. 

"Shh," Jake whispered, "my flat mate." 

He put a finger to Dan's lips and pushed him against the door. Dan's breath caught in his throat. He felt the inevitable blush creep into his cheeks, that always occurred whenever Jake looked at him like that. 

Jake hummed and bit his lip, wrapping his arms around Dan's neck and kissed him, "Shower?" 

 

"Jake! So good to meet you!" Sophie exclaimed, ignoring Jake's outstretched hand and wrapping the young man up into a hug. Jake laughed slightly nervously and smiled at Dan over her shoulder. She finally let him go and surveyed him, keeping a tight grip on his shoulders. 

"You are a saint, putting up with Dan! Is he being nice to you? Not too much self-doubt and internalised, artistic angst?" Sophie quizzed Jake, not taking any notice to Dan's half-hearted protests. 

"Oh, well I'm not a miracle worker, so there's still a lot of brooding and pessimism," Jake said and immediately Sophie was laughing heartily and the two proceeded to chatter and cackle at Dan's expense. 

The brunch place was a scruffy, little hole-in-the-wall, that boasted the most amazing bottomless brunch Dan had ever been to. They were taken upstairs to the surprisingly big roof terrace and immediately served bottles of prosecco and a jug of orange juice. 

"We're clearly going to make this into bucks-fizz, why don't they just give us bucks-fizz?" Jake asserted, filling their glasses up to the brim. 

"I know! It's the worst," Sophie agreed, "no! The worst is when there's paper on the plate. Like, it just gets all soggy - 'cause food juice - don't put things on my plate I can't eat!" 

"What about that salad though?" Dan laughed. 

"Mate!" she squealed turning to Jake, "We were at a pub and Dan ordered a burger, fine, and a salad, what? But the salad came out in a _plant pot_. Like, a _planted_ plant, with dirt and everything!"

"Like a house plant!" Dan added. 

"Oh my god no!" Jake said with exaggerated aghast. 

"Right? And then _these_ dick heads ruthlessly ripped the shit out of me. I don't know why I was suddenly responsible for this dish, like I made it. Then they completely ransacked the poor plant! There was dirt everywhere. It was a mess."

All three were laughing and the conversation was easy and flowed well, they managed to get through 4 bottles of prosecco and a shameful amount of eggs-benedict. The sun was shining and Dan was feeling full and happy. His head was fizzing with the bubbles and he loved it. 

He kept looking between Sophie and Jake who were both having such a good time. Their grins wide and their laughs loud. 

Dan reached over and took Jake's hand, rubbing circles with his thumb and playing with his fingers. Jake smiled at him and scrunched up his nose a little, a playful little tick he had that made Dan's tummy do a little flip and all the blood rush from his head.

Jake got up to go to the bathroom and Dan watched him leave, not being able to get the stupid smile off his face. 

"What do you think?" Dan asked Sophie when Jake was out of earshot. 

"I think you're smitten, kitten," she mocked. 

"Har har. But seriously, you like him right?" Dan nervously worried the napkin in front of him. 

"Of course! What's not to like? He's fun," she said smiling reassuringly. 

"But?" Dan pushed. 

"But what Dan? You're happy and that's all I care about," she squeezed his hand and told him to stop worrying so much. 

Jake reappeared at the stairs and Dan let the conversation drop. Jake walked with a little skip and when he saw Dan his smile grew. He stood next to Dan, running his fingers over his shoulders. 

"Shall I go get the bill?" he asked. 

Dan nodded and handed Jake his card, stretching to give him a kiss as he did so. They were sickeningly cute and he loved it. 

"Do you have to do that?" someone next to them demanded loudly. 

"Sorry?" Jake shot back, turning to the source of the voice. Dan couldn't see at first and had to look around Jake to the table next to them. 

A woman was sitting looking at them with daggers. If looks could kill they would have both dropped dead, "There are children here," the woman continued, as if this was an explanation for her behaviour. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jake's hand was on his hip and Dan didn't need to see his face to know he was fuming. 

Dan put his hand on Jake's waist to try and pull him around, "Ignore it, come here," he said quietly, embarrassment seeping into every bone, every pour, every molecule of his body. 

"No Dan," Jake said shrugging his hand off, "I want this woman to explain herself." 

She wouldn't. Instead she got up, gathered her children and moved to the next table. But not before giving them a good look up and down and tutting at them with a snarl. 

"Are you OK?" Sophie asked, her voice was thick with upset and concern. 

Dan wasn't OK, he was horrified. And embarrassed. He felt so stupid. He had worried and worried about his sexuality and coming out and everything else, but never really considered the reality of it. 

Because looking at Jake now, his indignant look of stoic resignation, his incredulous resistance - it told Dan everything. Jake knew that this kind of shit happened and was determined not to let it bother him.

The reason Jake wasn't sitting here, head in hands, red faced and mind racing was because he had done all this before. The questioning himself, the shame and dread that came from the random abuse of strangers was a thing of the past for Jake. 

"I am so sorry about that!" their waitress ran up to them and put her hands on the table, "don't let bigoted people like that upset you. I think you look lovely together!" 

"Thank you," Dan replied. She fidgeted with their receipt and told them not to worry about their bill. 

"And honestly, I wouldn't have even known you were gay! So don't worry," she smiled down at them and wandered off. 

For Dan, that would have been the end of it, but back at the house Jake was still raging. 

Sophie had gone to meet her boyfriend and they had the house to themselves, which relieved Dan. They were in the kitchen and Jake was pacing angrily. 

"Its disgusting! That people think it's a compliment 'I would have never guessed you were gay'. It's foul! It's hetero-normative and it's offensive. That's my culture! What because we're not mincing around means we're a better kind of gay!?" 

"It is disgusting, I agree. But she was trying to be nice, even if it didn't come out that way."

"It's ignorant." 

Dan agreed with him entirely. But he didn't want to talk about this. They had had such a great day up until that point, he didn't want to let this spoil it. 

"I just, I'm so sick of this! Do people even know what year it is? This should not be happening!" 

Dan tried to comfort Jake, but it only seemed to get him more het up. He didn't like that Dan wasn't as angry as him, and accused Dan of using it as a further excuse to not tell anyone about him. 

"Come on Jake, that's not fair!" Dan said, he was starting to bristle, he didn't want to have this conversation again. 

"Well prove me wrong, when am I going to meet 'the guys'?" 

"Sophie's my best mate, out of everyone she's the one I wanted you to meet the most."

"Yeah and that's great but like, do any of them even know you're gay?" 

"You knew when we got together that I wasn't out yet, you said it was fine. You said you would be patient," Dan didn't even know why he was trying to argue the point. 

He knew he was in the wrong. Had this not been exactly why he'd run from Jake in the first place? The first time they met, he'd known then that he couldn't be the person Jake deserved. 

Dan would never forgive himself for putting Jake though this. Jake was an out and proud gay man, so to be with someone like Dan, closeted and afraid, was against everything he stood for. 

Jake was educated, confident and outspoken about what he believed in, and rightly so! Dan had been witness to many of Jake's debates with his friends and rants about TV shows or films. About how LGBT people are only acceptable when they pass as straight or they are a caricature. 

But Dan, himself, just wasn't ready to come out yet. Jake didn't understand what it was like. 

In interviews, and by fans, the band had only just stopped having to answer questions about their love lives. In almost every interview when they first got together there had been questions about girlfriends, and groupies and awkward dates. But after a few years of giving boring, unsatisfying answers, those kinds of questions had slowly petered out. 

If Dan came out, that's all anyone would want to talk to him about for god knows how long.

It's not like Dan isn't an outspoken person. He would talk until he was blue in the face about feminism and equal rights and LGBT issues and Donald _fucking_ Trump. 

If he could guarantee there would be no backlash and would still be able to keep his private life private, he'd come out in a heart beat. But something in him knew that wouldn't be the case.

"I'm not hiding," he said, trying to placate Jake. 

"Yes you are! You are hiding and you are afraid!" Jake said pointing straight at him.

"I can't have this conversation again," Dan said sitting down heavily at the kitchen table. 

"You're ashamed!" Jake said throwing his arms in the air in frustration, "You're so deep in the fucking closet you can't even _see_ it!"

"Enough," Dan said his head in his hands. 

"I don't know how I didn't realise before, it's _embarrassing!_  You're ashamed of yourself and  you're ashamed of me!"

"God dammit that's enough!" Dan shouted and slammed his hand down on the hard wood table. It was so loud and his voice echoed off all the surfaces. 

He'd hit the table so hard his hand was throbbing. He couldn't move, couldn't take his eyes off Jake. He looked terrified. Dan hated himself. 

"Jake, I-"

Jake held up his hand to stop Dan. He took a deep breath and his face changed. Very quietly, and calmly Jake said, "Dan. It just feels like we are sneaking around, and I've never had to do that before. I've always been out, I've never hidden who I was. I just don't know how long I can do this for." 

 

*

 

"You ready, Champ?" Kyle called up the stairs to Dan. 

"Yup!" Dan responded, shutting his bedroom door behind him and taking the stairs two at a time. 

Kyle hesitated at the front door before opening it, "So, big day, how we feeling?"

"No, not a big day. Just a day, normal day like any other," Dan said not giving up his cheerful tone, "It's a party Kyle!" he clapped him on the back and indicated towards the front door.

They were supposed to be on their way to Will's birthday party, and they were already late. It had been planned for weeks now, Awuoi had done an amazing job of keeping it a secret from Will. Because if he'd have known that they were planning a party - he wouldn't have turned up. 

But of course, it being Will's birthday party, that meant Joni was going to be there. 

Joni: Hey, so Will's birthday party is coming up. I just wanted to make sure it's not going to be weird if I go... happy to make up an excuse if you want. Would be really good to see you though x 

Dan had turned the phone over in his hand, subtly letting Kyle read it over his shoulder. Neither of them said anything, considering Will was in the same car as them at the time. Kyle gave Dan a 'well, what are you going to do?' kind of look. 

Dan messaged back straight away telling her to not be an idiot. Of course they should both go and that, yes, it would be good to see her. He looked up to Kyle as he sent it who simply gave Dan a concerned look and then a non-committal nod. 

A similar expression that he wore now in front of Dan, blocking his way out of the house, "You gunna be OK?" 

"Of course! Don't be an idiot, she's an ex-girlfriend, not a monster," Dan to laugh to try and ease the worry lines out of Kyle's brow, "Just don't tell her I called her an ex-girlfriend, she'd murder me!"

That did get a laugh from Kyle and he pulled him into a brief hug. Dan lent his head on Kyle's for a second before both men pulled away and headed out the door. 

When they entered the bar Will was already there and surrounded by people, earning Dan a swift hit to the arm. 

"I told you we'd be late!" Kyle mumbled. 

"It's not my fault TFL are yet to properly connect South and North London by rail!" Dan shot back. 

"You two sound like an old married couple," Dan spun around to see Joni behind him, smiling at him fondly. Dan didn't hesitate and swept her up into a big hug. 

"It's good to see you Nini!" he said affectionately, eventually letting her go. 

"Nini?" the woman next to Joni said with amusement. She was tall and slim, but not quite as tall as Joni, her ebony hair plaited into hundreds of intricate braids and twisted up onto her head. 

Joni rolled her eyes and groaned, "Don't! He thinks he's so funny," she said, "Sasha this is my friend Dan. Dan this is Sasha, my erm, also my friend," Joni said pointing between the people standing either side of her. 

Dan watched Sasha's reaction, the barely noticeable slump of the shoulders, the fixed smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. That used to be him. He leaned forward and gave Sasha a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. 

He watched as Joni slipped her hand into Sasha's and lead her away to the dance floor and the two instantly began to laugh and dance and flirt. They looked great together. Joni's tight outfit of black and grey and navy blue against her tanned, caramel skin perfectly complimented Sasha's light, flowing summer dress and dark features. 

It was only when Kyle pressed a glass into his hand did Dan realise he was staring a little too openly. Kyle gave him a wink and dragged him over to a group of their friends. Dan was eternally grateful to Kyle for not asking any questions. Instead, he plied Dan with drinks until they were both sloppy and stupid. 

On the way back from the bathroom, Dan spotted the smoking area and the slight breeze blowing in was like a siren call. His head had a familiar comforting numbness and he wasn't too steady on his feet. 

"Are you hiding?" he asked, sitting down heavily on a bench next to Joni. 

It was a pleasantly warm and bright evening for late September, which made Dan's current level of tipsy feel weird and dream-like. 

"Yeah, this guy I used to see keeps staring at me and my girlfriend, he's a right weirdo," she jibed and nudged his arm. 

"Sasha seems nice!" he said too loudly, ignoring her use of the word girlfriend. Joni saw right through him but didn't pick him up on it. 

"Yeah she's great," she said stubbing out her cigarette, with a little something extra in it. 

"Does she know you're dead inside?" he joked. 

"You're funny! Where was this biting wit when we were together?" she teased. They both were laughing and Dan was enjoying the second-hand high from all the smoke circling around them. 

"When did you do it?" he asked, leaning his head on her shoulder. 

"Excuse me?" 

"Come out? When did you like, tell people?" 

Joni didn't respond for a while. Dan assumed she was processing his question, trying to remember possibly, or maybe she was trying to compose a cryptic, allusive Joni-like answer. 

But when he looked up at her she didn't look surprised or shocked, she was smiling at him and he knew she understood the real meaning behind his question. 

"There's this guy," he started. 

It was the first time he'd said it out loud. The first time he was going to talk about Jake, and it started to get very real suddenly. Joni nodded and nudged him encouragingly. 

"So, yeah, a guy and I um, we're kinda seeing each other," Dan let his sentence trail off.

"That's great Dan!" Joni said without missing a beat. 

"Yeah, I mean, yeah it is!" 

Joni lent forward and gave him a hug. He lent his head on hers and she rubbed his back, "Wait," she said pulling back, "'Kind of seeing each other?'"

Dan gave her a sheepish look. 

"Dan!" she chastised, "Don't do this again," Joni started to warn him. But he shook his head cutting her off. 

"No it's not like that. We are seeing each other, he's um, yeah, he's my boyfriend," he couldn't help but break into a wide smile. He liked how the words sounded on his tongue. 

Joni looked so excited for him. Maybe this coming out thing was going to be easier than he thought, "I really don't want to fuck this up Ni." 

"You won't! Don't be an idiot." 

"It's just, like, he keeps talking about how I've not told anyone and I know he thinks I'm like, ashamed of him, or something but I'm not. I'm really not!"

Joni nodded thoughtfully, "Dan you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. It's no one's business!" 

"It's just, is it not like, a lie by omission?" 

"Fuck sake Dan," she said rolling her eyes, in exaggerated exasperation. She had always had such little patience for his drama. 

She took his face in her hands, a slightly stern expression on her face, "You tell whoever you want, whatever you want. You can be out and not tell the whole _world,_ Dan. It's no one else's business." 

They sat together for a little bit longer, Joni rolled another cigarette and Dan had a puff or two. They talked a little about what they'd been up to, Dan filled Joni in on the progress of the second album and she, in turn, talked about her work. 

"Who is it?" Joni asked Dan, handing him the last , little end of her cig. 

"Who?"

"This guy you're seeing?" 

"Oh, he's called Jake and he's really cool, I think you'd really like him!" 

Joni looked surprised for a second, "Oh I just thought, maybe Kyle?" 

"What!" Dan scoffed, _smooth, real smooth._ "Why would you? I- Why did he say anything?"

She looked at him suspiciously, before he eventually conceded. 

Dan took a deep breath and composed himself. There was no point hiding it now, he was too drunk (and a little high) to lie. So he told her. Dan told Joni about Kyle. It felt good to finally get it off his chest. 

He told her all about how he hadn't noticed it at first, that maybe there had always been something there, but he couldn't be sure. It was slow and eventual, creeping up on him so quietly that by the time he realised it was there, he couldn't remember it not being there. Couldn't remember how he'd ever lived without it. 

The only thing Dan couldn't say, the final part of the story that he was too stubborn to admit, was that this crush, this infatuation was a very real and very _current_ flame. He shamefully and deliberately spoke about it in a way that strongly insinuated it was a thing of the past. 

As always Joni was hard to read, but she had a strange expression on her face, as if she was hiding something from him. 

"Nini?" he started to question her, but there was suddenly a loud door slam behind them and Will came stumbling out of the bar, interrupting their solace.  

"Hey baby!" Joni greeted excitedly. 

Will walked over to their bench and slumped down, leaning over it and wrapping his arms around her. He smiled drunkenly, and his voice came out as an exaggerated whine, "Come on Jo, come play with me, stop being boring!" 

She patted his arm and promised to follow him in. Will pouted and Joni pinched his cheeks and shooed him inside.

"So boys and girls, huh?" she said after Will was safely back inside.

Dan nodded. 

"So greedy!" she joked. They both got up and started to head in, "I'm really happy for you, you know? Plus! This means you can come out gaying!" she said excitedly and bumped him with her hip. 

"Gaying?" 

"Yeah you know, going to all the gay clubs - you'll need to learn all the lingo if you want to get down with us raging homos." 

"I don't think that's the official terminology for it," he laughed at her. 

Joni shrugged, "Well, either way. This is going to be so much fun." 

 

*


	15. A Tornado Flew Around My Room Before You Came

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning***
> 
> Homophobia and scenes of a sexual nature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evening! 
> 
> Two updates in a week - that's a record for me! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me, this is my first multi-chapter'd fic and it's turned into a bit of a beast! So thank you thank you if you're still with me! 
> 
> Lots of love x

*

 

"It'll be a bit of a baptism of fire I'm afraid," Dan said carefully, trying to gauge Jake's reaction, "There will be loads of people there." 

The smile on Jake's face made Dan's heart melt, he looked so happy.  He clapped his hands together and ran into Dan's arms. 

"Really, really?" 

Dan nodded and Jake nuzzled into his neck. Dan was a little ashamed of how his body responded when Jake did that. 

"I'd love to meet all your friends, are you kidding?" Jake pulled back and held Dan's face in his hands, "This is going to be so great, I promise," Jake assured him between kisses. 

 

Dan and Mark had been putting together a small, indie record label for the last year and they'd recently had some successful signings. To celebrate they were hosting a party in a private bar near Tower Bridge, it had a great view of the river and was the perfect mix of exclusive but not too pretentious. 

Dan and Jake arrived early so Dan could make sure everything was in order, as usual he was a complete control freak and couldn't let go of even the smallest details. 

It was also the perfect opportunity for Dan to introduce Jake to everyone. The band would be there, their plus ones, the TKAK guys, Dan's housemates and a whole host of friends and family. As well as a handful of industry friends, but the guest list had remained deliberately small for the most part. 

Now the time was drawing nearer however, Dan was having doubts. Was this a good idea? Coming out and introducing his nearest and dearest to his boyfriend at the same time? Either way, it was too late now as people were arriving. He'd asked a select few to come early under the guise of thanking them for all their support. 

"Hey guys," Dan said to Woody and Chrissy as he walked into the private room. 

"Dan!" Chrissy said brightly giving him a hug, "Who's this gorgeous fellow?" she asked smiling at Jake. 

"Um, well, guys," Dan said raising his voice a little to grab everyone's attention. After the small group had gathered, Dan took a deep breath and looked at everyone's patient, if a little confused, expressions. 

"Everyone, this is Jake, my erm," he looked at Jake who smiled supportively and slipped his hand into Dan's, "he's my boyfriend," Dan said to Jake, before turning back to the group. 

Without missing a beat Woody walked forward and shook Jake's hand, "Hi Jake! I'm Chris, well, Woody. So you're the reason Dan's been so sickeningly happy lately?" he said with a chuckle. 

Will nudged Dan with his shoulder, smiling proudly before walking over and introducing himself and Awuoi. Dan watched the exchange. He felt so happy.

He looked around to find Kyle. Kyle was standing stone faced, slightly away from the group, looking at Dan. Not Jake. He was looking hard at Dan. He prayed internally for Kyle to say something. He so desperately needed Kyle to be OK with this, of all people. _Please Kyle just be OK with this._ He could hear Will and Coop and Charlie all talking to Jake, introducing themselves and their girlfriends, asking about him and laughing.

But Dan wasn't looking at them. He was watching Kyle. Neither of them looking away from each other. Neither of them saying a word. 

Eventually Kyle broke his stare out and he looked at Jake, who was still chatting happily with everyone. Then back to Dan.

"But you're not gay," Kyle said loudly, coldly.

"Kyle!" Charlie and Will both turn quickly to Kyle, chastising him together. 

"But-" Kyle started, before taking a deep breath and shaking his head. He walked over to Jake who had stopped talking and was hesitantly watching the tall man approach. 

Kyle extended his hand to Jake, who looked quickly at Dan. Dan nodded his head slightly, and Jake took Kyle's hand. 

Dan watched Kyle carefully, he couldn't even take the time to enjoy or be grateful for everyone's, quite frankly amazing, reactions to the news. Kyle had reacted so badly. Dan was reeling. He couldn't quite believe it had actually happened. 

He wanted to talk to Kyle before the party started, smooth things over before everyone else arrived, and before they all had a few drinks. He followed him to the bar a little while later, taking the opportunity of it just being the two of them. 

"Hey, dude, big news, huh?" Dan wanted to give Kyle the benefit of the doubt. It was just the shock, he tried to think how he'd react if Woody or Will came out. Of course he'd be fine with it, but it would be a shock, obviously. 

"Jesus Dan, for like one night, can you just leave me alone?" Kyle said, leaning on the bar not looking at Dan, instead impatiently waiting for any staff to appear. As it was, they were alone. 

"What is your problem?" Dan asked Kyle. 

"You! You're a fucking snake, Smith!" Kyle shouted back, squaring up to Dan. 

"And you're a fucking homophobe!" Dan yelled, and shoved him away from him, hard. 

"You have no idea what I am!" Kyle said pointing at him aggressively. 

"No! Absolutely fucking not!" Woody shouted, entering the room and immediately getting in between them. He grabbed the front of Kyle's shirt and roughly started to push him back, away from Dan.  

"Get the fuck off me, Wood, this has got nothing to do with you!" Kyle tried to shove him back. 

"Wanna bet?" Woody said still dragging him away. 

Dan couldn't help himself he rushed forward to Kyle. Woody had him in a tight hold, both pulling and grabbing at the other, the scuffle threatening to turn into a full on fight. Dan couldn't let this happen, this wasn't Kyle, he'd never seen him like this before. The momentary fright he'd felt had all but dissipated and he just needed to make sure Kyle was OK. 

"Stop, guys please! Kyle!" Dan could hear his voice was shaking as he tried to reach forward to the two men. 

"You're a fucking liar!" Kyle shouted, leaning over Woody, not breaking eye contact with Dan. 

Will ran in then and went straight to Dan, hands on his shoulders asking him if he was alright and what happened. He got in front of Dan, creating a physical barrier and gently eased him away, but Dan wasn't paying any attention. All he could see was Kyle. 

"Woody for fuck sake, get him out of here!" Will yelled behind him. 

Dan didn't take his eyes off him, even as Woody wrestled him out of the room. As scared as he had been when Kyle was in front of him, his fists balled and they were spitting venom at each other. He had never for one second thought Kyle was going to hit him. 

Even now as he watched Kyle leave, watching him over Woody's shoulder, he didn't look angry. He looked upset, like he was in pain. Dan wanted to run to him, to comfort him. 

"Get off me man," Kyle finally broke eye contact with Dan and pulled himself from Woody's grip. He wiped his hands over his face harshly. 

"Kyle!" Dan called to him, he couldn't leave now, they needed to sort this out. 

"I'm going don't worry!" he said heading to the door. 

Dan made a move run to him, but Kyle shook his head, "No!" he said firmly holding out his hand to stop Dan coming any closer. "No, I'm going. And don't  _you_ fucking follow me."

He swiftly left the room, but not before shooting one more look at Dan with those sad, wet eyes and slammed the door shut behind him. 

"What was all that about?" Jake said, running to Dan. 

"Kyle didn't take too well to me coming out, I guess," Dan said to the group, "But that was weird right? Kyle has loads of gay mates." 

"And it's not like this is a massive surprise," Woody said, massaging his twisted wrist. 

"Yeah," Dan nodded, "Wait, what?" 

Will and Woody chuckled, "Come on Dan," Will smiled, shaking his head. 

"Why does everyone keep saying that!" Dan laughed, bringing Jake into his waist.

"I don't know, babe. Don't listen to these breeders," Jake teased. 

 

*

 

"Are you sure you're ready?" Jake whispered against Dan's lips. He nodded before taking Jake's face in his hands and deepening the kiss, willing Jake to understand how much he needed him, wanted him.

Jake reached for the lube and gently touched Dan, "Relax," he said, slowly circling him, before gently pushing his finger inside. Jake was slow and affectionate, kissing Dan the whole time.

Dan's breath hitched. It always surprised him how good Jake was at this. He knew his body so well, knew exactly what he liked, what he needed. They'd done this a few times now, but never went any further. Until tonight. 

"Will it hurt?" Dan said eventually, his voice was quiet and shaky, betraying the nervousness he was feeling. 

"Maybe, at first. But we can stop whenever you want. It'll be good. I promise, I can make it so good for you, baby." 

Dan could hear the lust and love in Jake's voice. He turned over so he was face down on the bed. 

It did hurt, as Dan knew it would. But Jake was so gentle and Dan could hear the lustful, animal grunts he was trying to stifle. Dan buried his head in the pillow, trying to muffle his own noises. 

But he didn't sound like Jake, his breaths were coming out like sobs and whimpers, tears pricked his eyes. He tried hard to hide all this from Jake, he didn't want him to see him like this. 

Jake gripped Dan's hips, rubbed his sides and shoulders, kissed his back and whispered sweet nothings. But Dan wasn't paying attention, he just wanted it to be over. He screwed his eyes shut and prayed for Jake to finish quickly.

That was when Dan felt Jake stop. He felt the lessening of his grip, the absence of him. 

"I can't do this," Jake started, moving away from Dan and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

"No, carry on, please. I can do this," Dan didn't move, stayed lying where Jake had left him.

"No it's not right, not like this. I can't-" 

"Did I do it wrong? I want you to do it," Dan put his hand on Jake's arm, "Please."

"Dan, stop. You weren't enjoying it. I'm not going to carry on, I won't do that to you," he looked straight into Dan's eyes, and deeper. 

He brought his hand to Dan's cheek, wiping his thumb affectionately  across Dan's cheek. Dan moved closer to him and lent into his touch. 

Jake kissed his cheeks, and when he moved to his lips, Jake tasted salty. Dan screwed up his eyes, embarrassed at the taste of his own tears.

"Shh," Jake cooed, "Oh, Danny," he all but breathed. 

Jake laid Dan down on the bed so they are facing each other. He lightly kissed Dan's forehead, his cheeks, his lips, his jaw. Dan couldn't remember the last time he felt this loved, this supported. His heart felt like it was going to explode. 

Jake stroked his hair and looked at him, smiling so warmly Dan had to fight back tears again. 

"We can try again, I- I really do want to," Dan whispered. He could see Jake looking, really looking at him searching for any sense of hesitation or uncertainty. 

"OK," he replied eventually, "But not like that. I want to see you, kiss you. I want-" 

Dan lent up to kiss his lips, scared of what he'd do if Jake continued. 

Jake's lubricated fingers slipped into Dan once again, kissing the inside of his thigh and running his hand up Dan's leg. Tucking his hand behind Dan's knee, Jake brought his leg up as high to his chest as Dan could. 

Dan just watched, his heart fluttering nervously. Jake positioned himself above Dan and kissed him deeply. 

"Are you ready, baby? We don't have to do this." 

Dan nodded, bringing his arms around Jake's shoulders, and kissing his neck. 

Jake started, slowly, teasing, waiting for Dan every step of the way. When he was finally all the way in he let out another primal groan and it was all Dan needed, this is it,  _yes, this it it._

Jake pulled out the smallest amount before pushing  back in, a little harder, a little faster. Dan tensed a little, he couldn't help himself and Jake gripped his hips and moaned into Dan's neck. 

Jake was kissing Dan's chest, his neck and shoulders, he moaned into his lips. He waited for Dan, wanting him, needing him to meet him there. 

Dan felt so good, Jake found Dan's sweet spot and was abusing him, every movement sending wave upon wave of pleasure through his body. 

When Jake reached between them and took Dan in his hand, it was all he could do to not come instantly. He didn't want this to be over.

"Fuck," Jake moaned, his movements becoming less controlled and Dan knew he was at the edge. He pulled Jake down and kissed and sucked and bit his neck, knowing it drove him wild. 

"Fuck, baby," Jake's voice sounded strangled and Dan had never heard anything so sexy in his life, "You gonna come for me? I can't take it anymore," he whispered. 

Dan did as he was told and with a groan he gripped Jake's shoulder and comes, hard, onto his own stomach. Jake didn't waste any time wiping Dan's stomach, and bringing his fingers to his lips and sucking Dan off them. 

Dan pulled Jake to him and kissed him, tasting himself on his tongue. Jake moaned into him and with a final, stuttered thrust he groaned loudly and collapsed onto Dan.

Running his fingers up and down Jake's back, Dan smiled at the feel of the moisture clinging to his skin, savouring the taste of Jake as he kissed his shoulder. 

"Dan, that was-"

"Intense," Dan interrupted

"Yeah," Jake lifted his head so his was lying, facing Dan, propped on one elbow. He traced Dan's cheek before resting his hand flat on his chest, feeling his pounding heart. Dan watched him closely. 

"I love you, Daniel," Jake whispered, so quietly Dan didn't quite believe he'd said anything. 

 

*


	16. There's a Limit to Your Care, So Carelessly There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> So not long left now, I'm so emotional. I think I will be updating quite frequently as most of this is written now... if that's OK? 
> 
> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> As always your comments and kudos are so hugely appreciated! :) x

 

*

 

Dan avoided Kyle the days after their fight, if you could call it that. More than anything else, so he could sort his own head out. In fact no one had really talked about that night. Both Will and Woody had rang Dan the next day and assured him that everything was going to be fine. Which Dan appreciated, Woody also added that if Dan wanted to postpone the tour or take more drastic measures then he could do whatever he needed to do.

Will had tried to talk to Kyle but he apparently refused to say anything about it. Woody had remained furious with Kyle for a few weeks after, until they were well into tour. That was until they disappeared after a show, both of them coming back glassy eyed and the best of buds.  

But Dan avoided Kyle. He was terrified of what he would say. It wasn't even worth thinking about, it wasn't worth considering. Kyle, the person he loved, the person that he'd obsessed and fantasised about for years. Fuck that, Kyle was his best fucking friend, the one person in the world that could literally make or break Dan... what if he was actually a homophobic arsehole and hated what Dan was? No, it _really_ wasn't worth thinking about.

"You need to talk to him," Jake had said the night before they went on tour.

"No I don't," Dan said with a smile and threw a few more black t-shirts into his suitcase.

How could he explain this? How could Dan tell anyone that he was more than happy not talking about what happened with Kyle? How could he ever make them understand that as long as they don't talk about it, Kyle was still the sweetest, kindest, warmest person on the planet?

As far as Dan was concerned Kyle was in shock and confused that night. And that was the end of it.

"Dan, I'm scared. I don't like this," Jake shook his head trying hard to press the severity of the situation, "He tried to hit you!"

"No. Jake, you don't know him like I do, Kyle's not dangerous! Don't be so ridiculous."

"Don't be so glib!"

They both stood facing each other, having reached a standstill. Both waited a beat before speaking at the same time.

"You're right, I'm sorry-"

"No, _I'm_ sorry. I'm being overprotective. He's your friend, you know him best," Jake pressed a light kiss into Dan's lips.

Dan responded to him instantly, pulling Jake's body flush with his own. Jake deepened the kiss. Their tongues danced and their hands wandered. Dan started to unbutton Jake's shirt but Jake stopped him, holding his hands in place.

"Don't you have a plane to catch?" he asked with a wry smile.

"I've got some time."

"In that case," Jake said, pushing Dan backwards onto the bad and climbing on top of him.

 

"I see you two have finally made up?" Woody asked Dan as they made their way back onto the bus.

"Huh?" Dan didn't immediately understand what Woody was talking about. He had a melody for a new song going around and around in his head and he was struggling to work it out. All day he had been distracted, functioning on autopilot through soundcheck and a couple of interviews. All he wanted was ten minutes with his laptop and a keyboard.

"You and Kyle? You guys have been really great all day. When did you talk it out?"

"Oh you know, just um," in truth they hadn't worked it out, hadn't talked about it at all, Dan was still avoiding Kyle so he wasn't sure what Woody was on about.

"Alright lads?" Kyle's booming voice rang out along the corridor. He gave them both a wide grin and Dan's shoulder a squeeze as he waltzed passed.

"I'm just glad mum and dad are back together, I didn't want to be like all the kids at school with two Christmases!"

Dan laughed at Woody's joke, watching him follow Kyle out into the carpark. Dan hung back and tried to rack his brain about the day, maybe they had been better today? This was great, Kyle was clearly fine with Dan so maybe they didn't ever need to talk about it. Dan had been right, Kyle had a momentary lapse of judgement and everything could go back to normal.

Over the next few days it felt like Kyle and Dan were better than ever. Kyle was in good spirits, laughing and larking about. Dan suspected it was to do with Kyle and Woody’s reformed relationship. Woody had remained furious with Kyle for a few weeks, right up until sometime last week when he and Kyle had disappeared after a show, both of them coming back glassy eyed and the best of buds.

Lately though, Dan had been more than a little distracted. He was trying to get all the songs in his head out and into something usable. Which seemed to frustrate Kyle. The more Dan pulled away the more Kyle would reach out to him. In interviews he was complimentary and backstage he was charming and tactile.

"He’s a classic 'Charismatic Leader' Dan!" Joni joked when Dan was telling her about it, "You know like a cult leader? Don’t get me wrong, I like it. He reminds me of Our Lord, Charlie Manson!" crossing herself as she spoke.

Dan rolled his eyes, "Why do I bother talking to you?" she was no bloody help.

He had hoped that now someone knew about his crush on Kyle he would be able to talk about it. But if ever Dan brought the subject up she would eye him up suspiciously and say, "Are you _sure_ you don't still like him? Because if you do you should tell him. Trust me, you won't regret it."

 

Karaoke is one of those things that only ever seems like a good idea when you're drunk. So when they are six bars deep into a pub crawl around Austin, Texas and they stumble upon one of those Karaoke bars where you get a private booth and table service, well, it would be rude not to! Even though the room is pretty small to squeeze in the fifteen or so of them there are.

"You," Kyle said pointing at Dan, "We're doing a song, come on."

Kyle took the mic off Charlie and got everyone to give him and Woody a round of applause after their passionate rendition of _Enter Sandman._

"And now, ladies and gentleman! A treat for the eyes and the ears!" He bellowed into the mic. At which point he turned around cocking his hip, sticking his butt out and coquettishly looking over his shoulder, "We are... Ass-stille!"

Everyone in the room cheered and hollered, Kyle spun Dan around and smacked his arse. The cheering increasing and several wolf whistles pierce through the din.

A microphone got put into Dan's hand and the familiar opening notes of Salt 'n' Peppa's _Push It_ began to play. Kyle nudged Dan with his hip, before talking into the mic pointing out people in the crowd and singing the introductory "ooh baby, baby's".

" _This dance ain't for everybody_ \- Erica! That means you back off! - _Only the sexy people, so all you fly mothers_ \- I said hands off the goods, woman! - _dance I said!_ "

It turned out that _Push It_ is a terrible karaoke song, way too much instrumental. But everyone enjoyed themselves and Kyle was putting Dan to shame, he was a much better front man than him.

By the time they get back to the bus everyone was drunk and for once headed  straight to their bunks. Dan chuckled to himself listening to Charlie's giggling and mild protests as Will lifted him into his bunk and insisted on tucking him him.

"Night night, Charlo!"

"G'night Billy!"

A short while later when Dan was almost asleep, he opened his eyes thinking he had heard his name. The bus was now completely dark, bar the few glowing safety lights.

"Dan," someone whispered again close to his ear. He rolled over to see Kyle's face incredibly close and clearly still extremely intoxicated.

"Kyle? What's going- Is everyone OK?" Dan started to panic, he tried to sit up and banged his head on the bunk above his.

"Do you want to go for a walk with me?"

"No. What time is it?"

"Not that late. I've got beer... and a hip-flask," Kyle looked so hopeful. Dan looked down and realised his hand was on his arm, rubbing gently with his thumb. He could feel the the coldness of Kyle's ring, catching the small amount of light in the darkened bus.

"OK," Dan said before he could stop himself.

They didn't talk much as they left the bus. They didn't walk far either, planting themselves down on the grassy knoll a small way away behind where they were parked. Kyle pulled out two bottles and two flasks and handed them to Dan. 

"Why do you have two hip-flasks?" Dan questioned watching him take a long drag of what smelt like whiskey.

"Because I've got two hips," he said with a wink and screwed the top back on.

The pair sat in companionable silence for a while. Dan didn't know why he was there. The air had a bite to it and he was feeling more tired than drunk. He took a couple of sips of his drink, trying in vain to get an alcohol blanket going.

Kyle must have had the same idea, even though he'd had the foresight to grab his coat. He shuffled up next to Dan, one arm in his jacket, the rest he draped around Dan's shoulders so they were snuggled in close together. Warmer and with a few more beers in him Dan relaxed and soon they were talking about everything and nothing. Dan's cheeks hurt from laughing and he struggled to catch his breath.

"I've missed this," he said, hearing the slur in his voice, but he didn't care. He rested his head on Kyle's shoulder, and Kyle in turn lent his head on Dan's.

Dan's hands were between his knees, rubbing them together trying to warm them up. As they were talking Kyle picked them up and held his freezing hands in his shockingly warm ones.

At one point when Dan was telling a particularly long-winded and nonsensical story, Kyle brought Dan's hands to his lips blowing on them gently with his hot breath. The heat flooded him. Dan stopped talking and watched Kyle lips move, barley a hair's width from his fingers.

"What?" Kyle asked, his voice low and soft.

Dan daren't look at Kyle. He just continued to sit, cuddled into him. Watching their fingers entwining together, watching Kyle's trace fingertips down his palms. A small noise of contentment sounded from the back of Kyle's throat made Dan feel very warm. _No! I can't. I shouldn't be doing this._

Dan suddenly sat up straight and de-tangled himself from Kyle.

"What's wrong, boss?" Kyle said with a little humour in his voice and a lazy, amused smile.

"I... We shouldn't-"

"It's OK, it's OK."

"No, it's not. I have to go."

Dan got up and practically ran to the bus. He took the tiny stairs up to the bunks two at a time and leapt into bed. He dragged the curtain across his bunk so viciously he nearly pulled it off the rail. His heart was beating so fast and his breathing was ragged. He waited, ears pricked waiting, listening for Kyle to come back. But he didn't.

Dan couldn't sleep. He tried reading and listening to music to try and doze off but it wasn't working. It must have been hours, the sun was up and the bus was bright, but still Kyle hadn't come back. Dan was just debating going to find him when he heard the bus door open and close quietly and someone ascend the stairs.

A little moving around Dan's bunk indicated that it was Kyle, as he always claimed the bunk above his.

The suddenly Kyle dropped to the floor, Dan could see his shadow outlined against his curtain.

"Dan?" Kyle whispered. It was clear from his raspy voice and his sniffling that he'd been crying, "Dan, I just wanted to tell you. I'm so sorry. I... I'm just so fucking sorry. For everything. I've acted like an idiot and a fucking prick. You're my best friend, you know? I should have been better. I will be better. OK?"

Dan held his breath. He didn't know how to respond.

"Dan, did you hear me?"

"Yeah," Dan whispered back.

"OK, good night... love you."

"Er, yeah. Love you too. Night."

 

*

 

"Right, no one say anything. But Janna broke up with Kyle last night," Tom said as he entered the backstage room. His voice was low and hurried, as if expecting Kyle to follow him in.

"What?" Dan demanded, looking around the room to gauge everyone else's reactions. They all looked as shocked as him, mouths were hanging open and confused looks were being shared.

"I don't know any details but I'm pretty sure," Tom answered.

"What do you mean 'pretty sure'?" Dan tried to calm his urgent voice, keep it steady.

After the previous night's show, as usual everyone had got together in the dressing room and had a few drinks. But it was the middle of the tour, with still many dates and cities to go, so they'd sensibly called it a night pretty early.

Except Kyle and Tom. On the way back to the hotel Kyle had said he wanted to find a bar.

"Fine, sure. I'm always up for finding cool bars. I didn't think any of it at first but Kyle got wasted really quickly," Tom said and explained that he must have been six or seven drinks ahead of everyone else.

"Do you think he'd been drinking during the gig?" Will asked, concerned.

"I don't think so, we would have noticed, right?" Dan said, directing his question to Charlie. Charlie stood behind Kyle during gigs, so he would be the best person to ask.

"I didn't see him if he was," he answered diplomatically.

"Look, all I know is," Tom said hurriedly trying to get the conversation back on track before Kyle arrived, "Kyle asked if he could stay with me when we get back to London."

Tom spoke slowly, trepidation and anxiety playing across his features, "He said he couldn't go home. He didn't say anymore but he kept talking about how everyone would be better off without him. How he's glad Janna is finally free of him because he's a horrible person."

The small group was speechless. Dan looked to Woody and Will, glad Tom told them in private, he didn't want the rest of the crew knowing this yet. Until they'd spoken to Kyle at least.

"Dan has Kyle been cheating on Janna?" Woody was the first to speak.

"Not with me!" he spluttered.

"Well, obviously dude, but you guys are the closest, has he been cheating? 'Cause that's what it sounded like."

Kyle arrived into the room after a few minutes of discussion. Dan had no idea if Kyle was cheating or not, but he had vehemently defended his friend, insisting he would never cheat.

Kyle didn't say anything to anyone about his night before, in fact he looked great. He was showered and changed, he didn't even look hungover.

Dan hung around with the guys for a while after Kyle's arrival. They had breakfast, talked through the show ahead and some small changes to the set. Woody and Charlie tried to organise a game of football - band v crew. But after it became obvious that the subject of Kyle's evening wasn't going to be further discussed, Dan excused himself to his make-shift writing room.

As he left Tom caught up with him and pulled him to the side, "Hey, kid. Do you have a sec?" Tom said, once they were in the hallway where no one could hear them.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"It's not really my place, but," Tom was visibly uncomfortable and it made Dan's tummy do this horrible, sinking feeling, and he felt his heart beat faster as the dread set in.

Tom took a deep breath and started again, "Kyle was really upset last night. And you, well, you got a couple of mentions," Tom looked at Dan, trying to convey something to Dan that he really wasn't getting.

"What do you mean?"

"Look, obviously I wasn't there that night, and I don't know what was said but he just kept talking about how he'd fucked things up with you. And I just think he feels really bad about that night they all met Jake."

Dan shuddered at the memory, Kyle's furious words, his sad, wet eyes.

"Sorry, man. I wasn't gunna bring it up, but," Tom put a supportive hand on Dan's arm.

What Tom was saying didn't make sense. Kyle hadn't fucked things up with Dan, they had made up and were better than ever. Dan shook his head. He felt sick, thinking about how Kyle was still torturing himself about that night.

"I don't want to say talk to him, because he was a fucking dick and it should be him coming to you. But if he does, will you hear him out?" Tom said almost pleadingly.

"Tom, I'm fine! We've talked about it," Dan faltered, "We've made up, I don't know what you're talking about."

Dan was still thinking about the conversation a few hours later when Kyle stuck his head into the writing room to collect Dan for soundcheck.

"Oh Jesus!" Dan nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Kyle's reflection in his laptop screen.

"You can just call me Kyle, or babe, whatever you like really," he said with a cheeky wink.

Dan gathered his things and slipped his jumper on. He headed to the door and as he walked past, Kyle gently caught him by the collar and tucked his label in at the back.

The contact was shocking, the feel of Kyle's cold fingers against the soft, warm skin at the base of his neck. He jumped, recoiling a little and an embarrassing giggle escaped his lips.

"What was that!?" Kyle laughed at him, "Are you ticklish?"

"No!" Dan flushed and tried to walk past but Kyle blocked the door.

"How have I known you for this long and didn't know you were ticklish?" Kyle exclaimed excitedly, and poked Dan lightly in the ribs.

Dan jumped again, and batted Kyle's hand away, "No! Stop, Kyle! Please," he begged as Kyle continued to give him small, little jabs. Dan was ticklish, horribly so, and he'd done well to keep it his dirty little secret for this long.

Kyle kept coming for him, backing Dan further and further into the tiny room, Dan was an animal, ensnared, prey. They were both laughing like maniacs, as Dan continued to beg and plead.

"Stop it! Stop it please, it's not funny! Kyle, I'll cry!" Dan insisted.

The back of Dan's legs hit the desk behind him and he immediately dropped down heavily on it. He was trapped, with Kyle between his legs, towering over him. Neither of them said anything, both just looked at each other breathing heavily, their chests heaving.

Kyle took Dan's hand and pulled him up to a standing position. But without Kyle taking a step back, and Dan against the desk, he was left standing precariously, trying not to fall back down. Pressed up against Kyle, Dan was dependant on Kyle's hands on his to keep him upright. Dan's breath hitched, he could feel every part of Kyle perfectly aligned with him. A small smile played on Kyle's lips.

"So, ticklish, huh?" he said, pushing Dan's fringe off his forehead and up into his signature quiff, "Don't worry, you're secret is safe with me."

 

*

 

This would have been Dan's dream, once upon a time, having Joni on tour with him. They were doing a promo tour of North America, just a few weeks with various small gigs and radio appearances, and Joni was working with the support band.

When he found out she was working with them, he had to laugh, remembering how many times he'd damn near begged her to come with them. And now, here she was. Even though their friendship had taken on a hugely different dynamic, it still felt good to have her around again.

They were in Joni's hotel room, the two lazed casually across the neutral bed spread. Half empty pizza boxes strewn across the floor and a badly dubbed Spanish sitcom playing on the TV. The rest of the guys had gone out to sample the San Diego night-life but Joni and Dan had stayed behind.

"You know I never asked you about Anna," he said after a few minutes of companionable silence.

"No?" Joni said not looking up from the telly. Dan squeezed her knee. In a testament to Joni, she didn't push him away or scowl at him as he was expecting.

"Come on, Ni. Talk to me," he said as softly as he could manage.

"What do you want to know?"

"How long were you guys together?"

"Four years, on and off."

"What happened?"

Joni took a sip of her tea, she looked deep in thought. Dan couldn't decide whether she was gathering her thoughts or planning her escape.

"We were young and in love, that old cliche. But, fiercely in love, it was consuming. Scary," Joni's eyes were distant, not looking at Dan, or anywhere. She was in her memory.

"With our jobs it was hard to find any kind of routine or normality," Dan nodded, _don't I know it._

"We drove each other apart, she could be petty and I can be cold," her eyes flashed a little with amusement. She glanced at Dan quickly and he smiled, recognising that in their own quasi-relationship.

Joni took a deep breath and continued, "We broke up for a while, I can't remember how long but it was a few months, I think. But we were addicts, we couldn't stay away from each other, constantly relapsing, just needing that next fix of each other. Eventually we got back together. And it was, _fuck_ , it was was perfect," her eyes started to glass over.

Dan reached out and held her hand, she watched their linked fingers for a moment before moving and holding her mug with both hands.

"After a month or so," Joni continued, "Anna got really ill. We went to the doctor and it turned out she was pregnant. We were so happy. I couldn't believe my luck. I got to wake up with Anna every morning; see that amazing smile, smell her hair, hold her close to me. I couldn't wait to see her belly balloon. I would fall to my knees and kiss her tummy and talk to the baby, _our_ baby, everyday," Joni's voice cracked. She took another sip of tea and another deep breath, steadying herself.

"A few months later, we- we lost the baby. She was too far gone, Anna had to-" Joni shook her head not able to finish the sentence.

"We couldn't get passed it. I don't know how you're supposed to carry on, how people can expect you to survive that. We both took some time off work, tried to be there for each other, but it was no good. Eventually I went back to work and so did Anna, more for the distraction than anything else, I think. I came home from work one day, after a week away, all her stuff had gone. We talked a little, tried to stay friends, but-" she shrugged and stopped talking.

Joni put her empty mug on the floor and looked at Dan, "I would have loved that baby so much. No one has ever been loved as much as I loved that baby."

Dan believed her.

"That night we saw her, I hadn't seen her for maybe 3 years? Nothing's changed in those 3 years," Joni probably meant that Anna looked the same. But her voice was so raw, so shaken, there was a small part of Dan that knew what she really meant was all the hurt and guilt and love was still there. Still the same after all this time.

He wanted to wrap her up, hug her, kiss her hair, protect her from everything running around in her head. But he didn't.

"You will be a great mum."

"I know," she smiled at him.

 

*


	17. Capsize, I'm First In The Water Too Close To The Bottom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy! Not long left now at all and I'm so so sad. 
> 
> I hope you like my latest offering. Everyone has been so unbelievably supportive to me so far. I honestly don't deserve it and this shitty little fic. 
> 
> Anyway I'll shut up now. Thank you so so much! Enjoy :) x

*

Dan was so excited to get home that he was practically bouncing. He'd had a stupid smile plastered on his face since the seat belt sign had turned on... whilst still on the tarmac of Chicago O’Hare airport.

It wasn't even the longest that he and Jake had been away from each other, but this time it had been really hard. Being on a completely different time zone had meant keeping in contact had been tricky, and it seemed like every time Dan checked his phone there was another missed call, or a handful of texts. Their schedules just never lined up and the lack of contact had taken it's toll. 

Even on the rare occasion they did get to speak, all they ever managed were quick hurried conversations. Dan was always dashing between meetings or sound check or a show and Jake was either at work, or it was the middle of the night back in the UK. 

Secretly, Dan loved those moments the most, however, when Jake was all cute and drowsy. But he always felt bad and would eventually whisper, "Go back to sleep baby, I'll talk to you tomorrow," and Jake would quietly protest but quickly admit defeat. Dan would smile as he put the phone down and it was enough to keep him going for a few more hours. They both slept better on those nights. 

Dan practically raced the guys through customs and baggage claim, not even caring he won the Luggage Lottery. He impatiently waited for his car at the taxi rank outside Heathrow, checking his phone every few seconds. 

He couldn't wait to see Jake's little face when he surprised him. He couldn't wait for Jake to see him and leap into his arms and Dan would be able to hold him and kiss him after what seemed like forever. It was all he had thought about, he'd been daydreaming about that moment for the longest time. 

Dan had it all planned out, he was going to dump his stuff at the house then head over to Jake's, get a takeaway, watch some shit TV and just spend the next couple of days doing nothing together. Perfect. 

"Hey, what are you doing tonight? Want to go grab a drink or something?" Kyle said, dropping his bags down next to Dan.

"Oh, man, I would, but you know, haven't seen Jake in like, two months so..."

Dan let the rest of the sentence trail off, hoping Kyle would catch onto the insinuation. He didn't want to rub it in Kyle's face that he would be hanging out with his boyfriend, seeing as the whole Janna-split was still seemed pretty fresh.

"Oh, God, gross!" Kyle blurted out, "I mean, not gross obviously, but like, you know, just don't want to know any details-" Kyle rambled on.

"No! No, no no. No," Dan said waving his hand, cutting Kyle off, "Not, like that, just you know. Like, date night, or um, whatever," Dan tried to explain clearing his throat awkwardly.

"Yeah, no, dude its fine. I should have known that you'd want to, er, see your, um, your boyfriend," Kyle smiled at him, giving him a small, understanding nod.

Dan's taxi pulled up next to them and Kyle helped him shove his many heavy bags in the boot.

"Hey," Kyle caught Dan by the elbow as he was about to jump into the car. His eyes were cast down at his feet, brows furrowed as if trying to compose his words in his head. Or decide whether to say them at all.

"You alright?" Dan said quietly, concern creeping into his features. He put a hand on Kyle's arm, pretending not to notice his slight recoil, "Kyle?"

"No, it's nothing. It's stupid. Go," he said shaking his head. He looked up to Dan then and gave an unconvincing smile, "Go! Seriously, I'll talk to you later," he laughed.

"OK," Dan conceded, "Call me later?" he asked as he got into the back of the car.

"Yeah. Yeah maybe," Kyle said, shutting the door behind Dan. He smiled again through the window before straightening up and banging on the roof, indicating to the driver to drive off. 

 

Dan felt bad that he'd not given Kyle another thought. After the taxi had sped away his thoughts were completely taken over. He rushed into his house, threw his bags into his room and had the quickest shower in history. 

Jet-lag be damned, Dan jumped on the tube and made his way over to Jake's North London flat. 

Dan: Miss you x 

Jake: Miss you more! Can't wait until you're back! x

Dan smiled at his phone as he climbed the station stairs and out into the street. 

D: Where are you now? 

J: Still at the office :'( 

D: Oh babe, working late? 

J: Something like that

D: When do you get back? Fancy a phone call? 

He couldn't help but feel a little disappointed that his plan wasn't going exactly as intended. But undeterred he popped into the Tesco Express and bought flowers, a bottle of wine and all the junk food he could carry. 

Once he reached the block of flats he let himself in, and started busying himself sorting things out, all the while getting more excited about seeing Jake. He kept picturing his face when he came in and saw Dan casually sitting on his sofa, flicking through Netflix, glass of wine in hand. 

It got to nearly 8pm and Dan was getting worried, he'd not heard from Jake and his stomach was rumbling like crazy.  Dan visibly sagged with disappointment when the front door opened and Jake's flat mate walked in. 

"Hey, didn't know you were back!" she greeted him with a small awkward hug. 

"Yeah, neither did Jake, do you know where he is?" he asked. 

Sarah shook her head and apologised, telling Dan that she had no idea where he was or when he'd be back. She then grabbed a few bits from her room and generously offered to stay at her boyfriends, giving the two men some privacy. 

D: Where are you? x

J: Just went for a few drinks after work, back in an hour or so will you be free then? 

A bubble or unjustified irritation rose in Dan, he knew he had no right, Jake didn't know he was waiting for him. But he still couldn't help but feel a little put out, Jake could have let him know at least. 

Dan sighed and resigned himself to the wait. He sank back into the sofa and opened the bottle of wine. Might as well as Jake would no doubt be pretty wasted by the time he got home. 

At nearly half nine Jake came bursting into the flat. He dropped his keys, bag and coat on the floor and was making his way towards the kitchen before he saw Dan. His eyes widened and his face lit up. 

"You have got to be kidding me!" he screamed and leaped into Dan's arms. Dan smiled and nuzzled his face into his neck, this made the wait worth it. 

"What are you doing here?" Jake asked pulling away from Dan slightly, "How long are you back for?" 

"I wanted to surprise you!" Dan smiled, still holding Jake to him, he never wanted to let go. 

Jake's face faltered a little, "What?" he said. 

"What?" Dan responded confused. 

"How long are you here for?" Jake said sterner this time. Dan had hoped to avoid this conversation for at least a little longer. 

Jake must have sensed his hesitation because he pulled himself out of Dan's grip and stood in front of him waiting impatiently. 

"Dan?" 

"Ages! Like, at least 2 weeks," Dan said attempting, and failing to put a positive spin on things. 

"Two weeks!" Jake said physically deflated. 

"Maybe a little less," Dan said quietly, apologetically. 

"Dan, no!" Jake cried, throwing his arms up in exasperation, "Well, I wished you'd text or something, I have plans now," Jake said as he walked away. He grabbed his bag and headed into the bedroom. 

Dan followed him in and perched again the chest of drawers, arms folded. He watched Jake move around the room pulling clothes out and moving things around. He didn't want to argue, but he was tired and all he wanted to do was spend the evening with his boyfriend. 

"Can't you rearrange? We haven't seen each other for months," he attempted as peacefully as possible. 

"I can't just drop my life whenever you grace me with your presence," Jake shot over his shoulder, "You pick me up and drop me whenever you see fit. It's not fair!"

"I'm sorry. I know it's hard, I know it sucks, I hate it too! But this is my job. I have to go away." 

"Dan," Jake turned to him then, cutting him off, "A lot of people have jobs where it takes them away. You're not fucking special."

"I know. I never said I was. I-" 

"A lot of people actually want to spend time with their boyfriends when they can!" 

"I do! Of course I do," Dan could feel himself rising to Jake's jabs. He really didn't want to argue but he was finding it harder and harder to keep his cool. He was tired, and hungry and annoyed that his perfect evening was pretty much irrevocably ruined at this point, "Anyway you're the one going out!" 

Mistake, Jake's eyes flashed and all of a sudden there was no stopping him. Clearly the dam broke and all of his pent up frustrations from the last couple of months came pouring out. 

"I feel like I'm a pretty understanding person! I understand you have to go away, I understand you have to be civil and friendly with  _Kyle_ even after what he did. I even understand that you have to go away for weeks at a time with an ex-girlfriend! But Dan, you have to give me something here!" 

"What are you talking about?" 

"You're never here! And even when you are you're so closed off! You don't talk to me, you never tell me what's going on, it feels like you're carrying the weight of the world but you won’t let me in. You won’t let me help you!" 

"Jake I'm sorry I just, where is this coming from?" 

"Kyle." 

"What?"

"What's going on with you two?"

"Nothing! He's straight!" 

"Yeah, I know, and he's also a dick. Yet you defend him and choose him over me every time. Even after all he's done, he says jump and you say how high!" 

"That's not true." 

"I feel like furniture in your life. You put everything in front of us, your work, your friends. Do you know how hard this is for me?" 

The hardest thing about listening to Jake was that Dan recognised himself in everything he was saying. He was closed off, he'd always found it hard to open up to people. But he was trying, he honestly was. Except as soon as that thought came into his head, another, louder one called him a liar. Dan was married to his job and he knew, deep down. That would always come first. 

"Do you think I don't know how much easier your life would be if I wasn't in it?" Jake said quietly, looking at his hands. 

"Jake, no. Stop, what are you saying?" Dan was starting to panic, this conversation was a sinking ship, rapidly taking on water and going down fast. 

"If I wasn't here you wouldn't have to worry about coming out and all that shit that obviously terrifies you. Do you think I don't know that? It  _kills_ me to know that." 

Dan didn't know any of this. He had been so worried about himself and his career and everything he was going through that he never even considered the idea that Jake was anything less than 100% secure. God, he was the worst boyfriend in the world.

"I'm sorry Dan, I'm just so scared. One day you're going to realise you don't need this hassle and you're just going to leave." 

"No Jake, please. No! I've been distant. I know I have, and I'm so sorry. I want to be better, I do, I promise I'll try. I can be better."

"Do you even love me?" That's when Jake fell apart. He had been stoic, silent tears spilling down his cheeks. But this one last request, this plead for Dan to finally say the words he'd been dying to hear for so long, broke him. And it broke Dan's heart to see it, and know it was him that had done it. 

Dan rushed to him, wrapped him up in his arms. Guilt ripped through him, he should have known that Jake was fighting him because he was upset. He let Jake sob on his shoulder for a little while. Stroking his back and shushing him, Dan placed gentle kisses on Jake's head until he calmed, and they both fell asleep in their lover's embrace. 

 

*

 

Dan and the band had made the best of their endless touring, and spent their time being hugely productive. Dan never really ever stopped writing songs, he was constantly humming melodies into his phone and scribbling down lyrics. But this time they'd really made a conscious effort to start recording as much of it as possible. 

Much to the delight of upper management. Once the higher ups caught wind of this all talks of shows and tours were halted and they were booked in for two straight months of studio time. Even though they had enough for the making of an entire second album (and then some), the process of pulling it all together was proving more than difficult. 

Dan would flit between wanting it all to do everything themselves, but then he'd panic that they were being over ambitious and had delusions of grandeur. He wanted to make all their own samples and sounds, he wanted more of Woody's drums and more bass, he wanted to put actual guitars and strings and horns on it.  _Fuck_ , he wanted to give Kyle free reign and then pull him back. He wanted more of everything. 

But what if they couldn't pull it off, what if they couldn't rise to the challenge? What if he just wasn't fucking good enough? 

All these fears and anxieties were nothing new to Dan, but they were all coming to a head at once and he was feeling overwhelmed. He had tried hard to keep the stress to himself and not put the pressure on the rest of the band. But he was finding even that increasingly difficult. 

At first it was easy to join in on the frivolities. He enjoyed watching Kyle and Woody playing with the Primary School music lesson instruments and creating such noise. I was great to see Will and Charlie jam out on the guitars and create these huge, cheesy, rock riffs and mix them into their existing songs. 

But soon, after they'd been at it for a few weeks and Dan was still struggling with the same fucking songs that had been going around and around his head for years. He was ready to throw in the towel. 

They were at the studio one night after a particularly stressful day, and it was late. They had been locked away in their tiny, underground studio, in amongst a maze of cold concrete corridors for days and tensions were running high. No one really fancied going to a bar. But Mark made the executive decision that they all needed something to unwind, and a few cold beers would go down a treat. Everyone agreed. 

Kyle was nominated to go on the beer run and Dan offered to go with him to the off-license across the road. The exact details were a little hazy, all Dan knew for sure is that one minute they were walking along the corridor, Dan was laughing at one of Kyle's ridiculous impressions. The next Kyle was no longer next to him. 

He turned back behind him to see Kyle had stopped and was stood leaning against the wall. Dan considered asking if he was missing Janna, but they had all fallen into an unspoken agreement not to mention it. 

Instead, he placed a hand on his shoulder, "You alright, mate?" he asked gently. 

Kyle nodded but didn't say a thing. He looked at Dan, really looked at him; into his eyes as if searching for something. He reached up and took Dan's hand in both of his. 

Dan didn't say anything either. He stayed so still he was hardly breathing. He waited, watching Kyle run his thumb over the back of his hand, the cool feel of his ring on Dan's flushed skin. It was bringing back memories of every time the two had shared a stolen moment. Memories of when the pair had pushed the boundaries, further and further.

Slowly Dan looked up, straight at Kyle. He pulled Dan towards him, until their foreheads were pressed together. Dan closed his eyes, savouring the closeness. Painfully slowly he felt Kyle's nose move against his, Kyle's warm breath on his lips. He couldn't think of anything else if he tried. 

Dan instinctively moved forwards. His heart was beating so fast in his chest. Kyle's lips ghosted over his and Dan felt Kyle's hand on the back of his neck. Tentatively they played with the hairs on the nape of his neck, before tugging ever so softly. 

The kiss was slow and gentle. Kyle had both hands on Dan's face, holding him close. It got heavier and heavier until they were all tongues, teeth, and lustful, feverish groans. Dan had fists full of Kyle's shirt, Kyle had a fistful of Dan's hair, pulling harder and harder. Kyle bit Dan's lip and Dan moaned and pressed himself closer to him. 

Kyle pulled away just a little, their noses still together, lips just a whisper apart. He moved Dan, one hand on his hip, the other still cupping his face, until Dan was pressed against the wall. He kissed him again, softly. 

He sighed, eyes dropping to Dan's kiss-swollen lips as he ran a thumb over them. Another tortured sound escaped Kyle, like a grunt of frustration. His grip on Dan's hip tightened and he bit his lip as he looked at him. Then suddenly, he was gone. 

It took Dan a moment to process the situation before running after him. 

"Kyle stop!" he shouted. He knew Kyle had heard him but he didn't slow. His long legs carrying him further away. 

"Kyle, please. Please!" Dan could hear the pleading, the desperation in his voice but he didn't care. 

_Fuck_! He rounded the corner but Kyle was gone. He threw his hands up, the frustration and confusion was thick and heavy in his chest. He ran his fingers through his hair, searching around wildly. 

_What the fuck was that, what is going on?_

Dan's mind as racing. He was so desperate to talk to Kyle he could cry. The one thing he'd wanted to do for years now, his dream had come true. But all he could feel was confusion, panic, and guilt. 

With resignation Dan eventually wandered back down the corridor, unsure whether he was still looking for Kyle or heading back to the studio. He opened the heavy metal door of the stair case, and let it slam loudly behind him. The sound echoed around him, bouncing off the cold concrete.

"Ta-da, you found me," Kyle said, sitting on the second flight of stairs. He looked like hell, like he was in pain. 

"What was that all about?" Dan demanded. 

"It was just a kiss, don't freak out," Kyle looked annoyed, but Dan wasn't talking about the kiss, he was talking about Kyle fucking off and leaving him. 

"That was-"  

"Just. A. Kiss. Calm down mate, it wasn't anything," Kyle interrupted, his brow furrowed and scowling at his feet. 

"Kyle," Dan started but he wasn't sure what he wanted to say. 

"I'm sorry. You've got a boyfriend." 

"What do you mean 'you've got a boyfriend'?" Dan's mind was racing, what was Kyle apologising for? Kissing him, or kissing him when he had a boyfriend? Because there's a world of difference between those two things. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Kyle looked up at Dan suddenly, locking eyes. 

"What?"  

"Why didn't you tell me you were gay?" 

"I- I'm- I didn't really know," Dan replied honestly, the question throwing him slightly. 

"How long have you known?" 

"I don't know, a while now, I suppose." 

"You could have told me, you  _should_  have told me," Kyle looked so hurt, so confused, and a little something else. Angry? Maybe?

"I'm sorry mate," Dan took a step forward towards Kyle. 

"Whatever," he shrugged and stood up. 

He was on the step above Dan and was towering above him. But he wasn't looking at Dan anymore, he was looking over him, through him, anywhere but at him. Dan reached for Kyle, but he waved his hand away from his grasp. 

"Kyle," Dan started but he got cut off. 

"I'm sorry about, whatever that was back there, it was proper shit of me, let’s just forget it OK?" Kyle turned and walked away, leaving Dan alone for the second time that night. 

 

*


	18. This Garden is Freezing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, penultimate chapter. Eek!  
> Please, please let me know what you think. I'm panicking that this is coming to an end, I really really hope it doesn't disappoint! 
> 
> Anyway. I'll stop talking. 
> 
> Here you go! Hope you enjoy :) x

*

Dan was bristling.

The last thing he wanted to do was spend another day cooped up in the studio with Kyle either ignoring him or sending him dirty looks. He was finding it almost impossible to concentrate on anything. Mark kept asking him questions and showing him different beats, but it all just sounded like white noise.

Dan had spent a few days after 'the incident', as he was inwardly referring to it, trying to act normal around Kyle. He attempted to talk to him, have a laugh and a joke, trying everything he could think of. But in return, Kyle would shrug and grunt one-word answers.

Kyle was acting like Dan had pissed _him_ off. Which Dan thought was thoroughly unfair. Had it not been Kyle that had kissed Dan? Had it not been Kyle that had run away from Dan without any word of explanation?

But over the last few days Kyle had avoided him, ignored him in group conversations, left the room whenever possible if Dan was there too. Dan had had enough, he said to himself as he cycled to the studio that he would confront Kyle today about whatever was going on. Whatever was going on was starting to affect their work, and that shit was simply not going to fly. 

Things were not going according to plan, however, when by midday Kyle had still yet to arrive. Will and Woody weren't due in either as they had previously recorded a lot of their parts.

"Looks like it's just you and me today, bud," Mark said clapping Dan on the back. Dan nodded and made a small noise in agreement, "Where is Simmons? We really should get this synth laid down."

"Fuck knows mate, he's not exactly talking to me," Dan said not looking up from his laptop.

"Trouble in paradise?"

"What?"

"Nothing, mate," Mark left the room, phone in hand.

Dan knew he was being over sensitive but what Mark had said had really pissed him off. He knew that he probably hadn't meant anything by it. It was probably an off-hand comment, it's not like people hadn't made jokes about him and Kyle being a couple before. But things were different now. He had a boyfriend now.

Jake. _Fuck_ , he hadn't spoken to Jake for a day or so, he was a terrible boyfriend.

Dan was still in the process of berating himself and making a promise to be better when Kyle walked into the room. Unsurprisingly he didn't say anything to Dan, simply walked over to the beaten sofa and slumped down into it, eyes glued to his phone. Dan watched him, waiting for Kyle to acknowledge him.

He cleared his throat, and still Kyle didn't look at him.

"Kyle..." nothing, "Fuck sake, Kyle. Would you please just look at me?"

Kyle slowly put his phone down and with difficulty dragged his eyes up to look at Dan. They were ringed red and blood-shot, his face was stone.

"What?" Kyle shrugged his shoulders, as if he had no idea what Dan could possibly want. Dan hated him in that moment, acting as if Dan was an over-bearing parent, or a nagging partner.

"Kyle-"

"What?! Stop just saying my fucking name!" Kyle jumped to his feet, arms spread wide, so quick it made Dan jump and flinch a little. Just a little, but it was enough for Kyle to see. Kyle rolled his eyes and let out an irritated sigh. 

"Really? Really, Dan?" he stormed out of the room.

This was becoming their dynamic, Dan thought, Kyle leaves and Dan waits, or follows. But always left behind.

Kyle didn't come back. The only consolation was that Mark seemed as pissed off as Dan that Kyle wasn't there. Admittedly they were annoyed for different reasons, but Dan wasn't going to share that small bit of information.

Without Kyle in the studio to complete his parts Dan and Mark set to work on other parts of the production. The lack of Kyle to lift the mood, with his usual brand of constant and unwavering levity, Dan worked himself up into a state of intense concentration. Mark's presence did little to deter this, as he had the same passion and drive. Or as Kyle once put it, "a work-ethic that bordered on the obsessive."

By the time Dan dragged himself away and pushed his bike home, he was exhausted. He mentally congratulated himself on not thinking about Kyle for some hours. His mind stuttered then, _Jake_!

He grabbed at his phone in his pocket and pulled off one glove with his teeth, "Hey! I'm sorry I've been M.I.A.," he grovelled into the phone.

"No worries, babe. Do you want to come over? I've got pizza," Dan looked at his watch, it was pretty late to go all the way across the city now, especially when he planned to be back at the studio bright and early.

"Dan, I haven't seen you in a week," Jake continued.

"I know, sorry. I-" Dan rounded the corner into the drive but what he saw stopped him in his tracks, "I'll have to call you back," Dan shoved his phone in his pocket.

There he was, Kyle, sitting on his doorstep. Huddled low into his massive coat, his long legs pulled up to his chest. He looked up at Dan as he got closer.

"What are you doing out here?" Dan asked, moving towards Kyle. He had a key to the house, for emergencies, why wasn't he waiting inside?

"I, erm, I tried to get flowers. But this garden is fucking freezing and I've been here for hours, so the sentiment remains," he shrugged.

He stood up awkwardly, his muscles stiff with the cold. Dan's heart fluttered, suddenly nervous.

"Dan," Kyle said closing the distance between them.

He put his hands on Dan's arms and rubbed them affectionately. Kyle's nose was red from the cold, his wool hat pulled down low. He looked like he hadn't slept for weeks.

"I'm so fucking sorry, for, well, for everything."

Dan had no idea what was going on. Kyle looked so sad and tired, he wanted to pull him into a hug and never let go.

"You know, for a while I considered quitting the band," Kyle said, his head hanging low, "but the thought of not seeing you everyday made me want to play in traffic."

Kyle laughed a little as if telling a joke. Dan wasn't laughing.

"Kyle, what's going on?"

He wildly searched Kyle's face for any hint, a sign of what was going on. Hope bubbled in his chest but he desperately tried to smother it. There is no way that Kyle could be here, standing in front of him doing the one thing Dan had prayed for forever. 

Dan's chest went tight and his stomach was flipping and doing somersaults. He wanted to run. He wanted to tell Kyle to shut up and leave. But there was a manic  desperation too to hear whatever Kyle was currently stuttering to say. 

"I don't understand." 

"I think you do," Kyle said, his hands still on Dan, "I think in a way you've always known, haven't you?"

Dan's head was spinning. Suddenly his world was shattering around him. All those stolen glances, the touches, all the flirtations he thought were all in his head, or simply part of Kyle's eccentric character, were now taking on a different nature. But that can't be right, there's no way Kyle ... could be... could he?

"Fuck Dan, say something," Kyle's voice was a whisper, almost a breath.

"Tell me. I want you to say it."

"Oh God," Kyle sighed, his grip on Dan's arms tightened and he pulled him closer, closing the gap between them.

Their noses were milometers from each other, Dan could feel Kyle's heart beating through his shirt.

"I, fuck, I can't," Kyle said shaking his head.

"Yes. You can."

"I'm so fucking in love with you."

 

*


	19. So, I’m Going to Love You, Like I’m Going to Lose You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it! 
> 
> I'm sad, I'm relieved, I'm so emotional.  
> I know, LAME! 
> 
> Please, please, please let me know what you think! I've sat on this chapter for weeks and weeks editing and re-writing it. So please any and all comments, good bad and indifferent are highly welcome! 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy it and thank you all so much for reading. Miss @basttop is my angel and I would never have finished this monster without her (go read her stories she's a fucking great writer as well as friend and pen pal!) <3 
> 
> OK, I'll stop talking now! 
> 
> Love, Cat x

*

 

Daniel Smith is gay. 

Kyle knows this for a fact, well not  _knows_ , but he's pretty sure. 

That was, obviously, until Dan started  _fucking_ anything that batted their pretty, little eyelashes in his direction. That's not Kyle being a sexist pig either by the way, 'cause there were definitely more than a few guys thrown in the mix. 

Kyle Simmons on the other hand, is not gay. He's not straight either, he doesn't think. He's not entirely sure where he falls on the spectrum, he's never had to put a label on it. He kind of just falls for  _people_ , whatever their gender. 

That's how he's always thought about it anyway, when he does think about it, which is rarely. Don't worry, he knows how dismissive that sounds. He knows how lucky he is to have always had people around him that didn't give a shit what his sexual orientation is. 

Even when he fucked around as a kid (a lot, like,  _a lot._ He’s not bragging, it's just true), his friends just sort of shrugged their shoulders and carried on. His family too, though admittedly his mum was happier now he was in a relationship rather than being “a man about town” as she’d put it. So all that self-analysis and inward thinking bullshit was pretty much a thing of the past for Kyle. 

Janna, his Janna. His beautiful, funny, little ball of fucking sunshine. He loved that girl. He really did. He would marry her in a heartbeat. There was just one problem.

One pessimistic, talented, fucking genius, tall-dark-and-handsome problem.

Dan  _fucking_ Smith.

Kyle almost called Dan out on the whole gay thing once, when he caught Dan looking through that hook-up app, Grindr. Not for any other reason than to be like, "Hey, this is a thing we've never talked about!" but eventually he thought better of it. Dan hadn't mentioned it, like, at all. Which was weird enough in itself. But no one else mentioned it either. So Kyle dropped it. 

Although it did make Kyle think, did everyone know that Dan was gay and Kyle was just being thick? Had he missed the whole 'Dan coming out' thing? Or did Kyle have some mad, spy-like detective skills and had figured out this huge, massive secret? 

Or, and this was the most likely option, Dan wasn't gay at all, just curious, and Kyle was suffering from wishful thinking. 

Whatever was going on, Kyle begrudgingly decided to leave Dan to it. Hoping he would eventually talk to Kyle whenever he was ready. 

 

It turned out that Kyle didn't care all that much about the sleeping around. It was to be expected, right? With all the attention Dan was getting, Kyle would have kinda judged him if he  _didn't_ take full advantage. They'd all done it during their single days after all.

Every night Dan would sneak off with a different person. One minute he'd be at the bar; the next he'd be slinking out the door, an arm casually slung over a different pair of shoulders and off into the night. Which was fine. Kyle didn't mind, because Dan would always come back to him in the morning. They would laugh about Dan's messy hair and his gravelly voice, and Dan would joke with the guys that he couldn't even remember their name. Which Kyle and Dan both knew was bullshit. 

Dan wasn't the ‘hump 'em and dump 'em type’, even with his recently developed coping mechanism to escape the world in a pair of unfamiliar arms. He was so nice and kind. Kyle would have bet you a tenner that Dan could tell you their birthday, the names of their siblings, parents and childhood pets. He would know. Dan is a talky guy, a conversationalist. But more than that, Dan is genuinely interested in everyone. He is just lovely like that. 

"Everyone has a story Kyle, you just need to ask," he'd said once. Kyle liked that, he really did. 

 

It was sweet torture having to be around Dan every waking minute of every day. And even the sleeping minutes too. Kyle couldn't speak for Dan of course, but it felt to him like there had always been something between them. There was always a slight tension, a strain, a flirtatious element to their relationship. Kyle thought so anyway. Dan would probably tell him to shut up and stop being an idiot. 

Since the moment they met Kyle had noticed Dan. It was a fucking cliché, but it was his eyes. And his hands, and his voice and the way he talked  _all the time_. And his laugh. 

Kyle loved Dan's laugh most of all. He loved the way he laughed at literally _everything_ Kyle said. It was like a whole body reaction. Sometimes it was silent, sometimes it was a little giggle, sometimes Dan would lean right back and slap his leg, or fold over and hold his tummy. 

The party was when thing's really changed, though. Kate’s birthday, they had a party at the house Dan shared with her, Sophie, and Al. It was a crazy mess of a night; more drink and drugs than Kyle had had since Uni. Yet he remembered every second of it. 

Kyle remembered so clearly being behind the makeshift DJ desk - two laptops and a speaker on the dining room table - and the drunken swaying of his friends in the dark room. He remembered Dan's wild, coked-up eyes and the way he lent into him when Kyle touched his chin. Dan closed his eyes and his lips parted just the tiniest bit and Kyle's mind flooded with the dirtiest of thoughts. 

Being overcome by images of Dan in precarious positions and varying stages of undress, wasn't unusual for Kyle at this point. Especially considering Dan had recently added a certain dance move to his repertoire that consisted of him dropping to his knees during  _Of The Night_... it made Kyle feel suddenly hot, bothered and his jeans uncomfortably tight.  

Late into the party, around the time when Dan's memory goes admittedly fuzzy, when it was only the hard-core party goers left, Kyle grabbed Dan's wrist, hard, and practically shoved him against the wall. He can't exactly remember why they were there alone in that empty hallway. But what he could never forget was Dan's  _eyes_ , and his little sigh and the way he whimpered and bit his lip when Kyle put his hand on his chest. 

 _Fuck_ , Kyle would've taken Dan right there and then if he could have. What he wouldn't give to just rip the clothes from Dan's body and lick every fucking inch of him. But seriously, Kyle would have only lasted like two seconds and it would have been shit for everyone. Except, who is he kidding, it would have been amazing and Kyle definitely hasn't tugged himself off imagining Dan shoved up against that wall and just dropping to his knees and... 

Nope not even once has he thought about that. Not in the shower, not in his bunk. Not in his living room when his girlfriend is in bed.

Fuck his head's a mess. 

That whole night was stupid and reckless and the aftermath, the next two years of torture, Kyle only really had himself to blame. 

After that night their relationship went from being stable and flirtatious, occasionally pushing the boundaries of appropriate. But stable. Safe. Easy. After that night it became more push and pull. Kyle would try to continue like they had before, and sometimes Dan would let him, other times he would snipe and snap at him and shy away.

Eventually Kyle pulled away too. You see, Dan putting it about and sleeping with everything that moved, that was weirdly easy to handle. But for some reason, seeing Dan act like a love-sick puppy, getting all tongue-tied and stupid about Joni, annoyed Kyle more than he cared to admit. It was pathetic, honestly, you should have seen it! It was gross. And Will thought it was  _so_ funny to encourage it and rub Kyle's nose in it. Prick. 

Kyle did feel guilty about the whole Joni thing though. He was a jealous arse, OK? He'll hold his hands up to that. 

But the worst part is that he would have definitely been friends with Joni, if he hadn't acted like such a dick all the time. She was fun, and sarcastic and kept them all on their toes. Will loved her, and their friends at home did too. Which meant he saw her all the fucking time, great!

Before Dan met Joni, he had been acting really weird. Like, sometimes Kyle thought Dan might  _like_  him, like him. They had been really touchy-feely, especially on stage or when drunk. Kyle had even convinced himself that Dan was flirting with him a few times. And it was  _w_ _icked_. Interviews, photo-shoots, nights out, they were all over each other. Not like in the usual way they always used to be. But like, more. More than once someone asked Kyle if they were a couple and he secretly fucking loved that. 

But he was angry too. Dan was stressed, argumentative, he was drinking and going AWOL all the time. But Kyle was there for him, for whatever he needed. He picked Dan up, kept him sane and healthy, and sent him on his way. Kyle made sure Dan was always at the right place at the right time, all so Dan could continue being Dan. 

Dan carried on like nothing was wrong, running the show, being brilliant, being a fucking genius. Dan carried on like nothing was wrong because Kyle was there, behind the scenes, making sure nothing  _was_ wrong. 

He wanted to be Dan's hero, his saviour, his knight in shining armour. 

In bed at night when Kyle was waiting for Dan to return, his head would wander and his imagination would run away with him. He thought about all he was doing for Dan and how stupid he was because Dan didn't even realise Kyle was doing it. But against all logic he couldn’t stop, because what if one day Dan realised?

What if Dan suddenly looked at Kyle and he realised all at once that Kyle had been there the whole time? It would have been like a movie, the shit, cheesy films that Kyle loves and Dan hates. 

Maybe Kyle would burst into a shitty bar, kicking down a door; maybe Dan would be slumped in a corner, and Kyle would pick him up and carry him out of there. Or maybe it would be less dramatic. Kyle would hand him a clean t-shirt, a banana and a strong black coffee after another lost night and Dan would smile, take Kyle's hand and they would both just know. 

The thing all Kyle's fantasies had in common, is that they would always end the same. Dan would look at Kyle, like he was seeing him for the first time and say, "It's you, it's always been you. You've been in front of me the whole time, how could I have been so stupid?" 

And Kyle would say, "You're not stupid, you're perfect," and maybe they'd both cry, or maybe they wouldn't. But Dan would grab him and kiss him and hold him like he was never letting go. 

However, they weren't in a film. This wasn't a fantasy. It was real life, and Dan's drinking got worse and his disappearing became more frequent and people were starting to notice. That was until he came back. Just like that. 

But Kyle was not the person to bring Dan back. No. Joni was. 

Joni, with all her cleverness and charm, her quick comebacks and her weird sense of humour that made Dan go all silly (and made Kyle eye-roll so hard they nearly fell out his head).

Kyle and Dan found an almost plateau. There was less flirting, less touching. But less fighting too. Dan wasn't angry anymore and he stopped drinking all the time. So, that was good, Kyle supposed, but still. Kyle had so wanted to be the hero in Dan's story. 

 

Dan and Joni were unbearable together. Like, that's not Kyle being bitter either, it’s just the truth. It's like they had their own language. They talked in quotes that no one else had ever heard of, they had catch phrases, they did bits and accents and would shout at each other and laugh obnoxiously loud, and just be... awful, actually. 

Kyle could never keep up, he tried at first but, honestly? He hated it.

That used to be _him_ and Dan, "Oh no, the terrible twosome are on one again," they'd say, "Who gave Kyle coffee?" they'd moan when they got all hyperactive, "Great, the Chuckle Brothers are here." 

Dan started writing again, he was hanging out with them all and encouraging them to get out and about whilst on tour. He was back to his sweet, awkward, funny self. 

Kyle loved him so much. And Joni knew! She  _fucking_ knew. 

That pissed Kyle off more than anything. No one had come close to catching Kyle out before, he was stealth, he was covert, he was fucking Jack Bauer and Jason Bourne combined.

But somehow, Joni  _f_ _ucking_ knew. 

"So, what's going on with you and Dan?" Joni said in that shitty, hipster burrito shop. It was when they all went out for lunch, after her and Dan fucked for the first time. 

"Nothing?" Kyle stuttered, his heart practically jumped out of his chest. 

"Come on, you knew it was me in his room this morning. Were you trying to embarrass him or?" she asked all quiet and concerned. That pissed Kyle off more than anything. He was being a dick! Why was she being nice to him? 

She took a deep breath before continuing, "Look, I don't want to get in the middle of anything. If you say it's not OK, I'll back off. No big deal," she smiled and Kyle could have cried. 

"I've got a girlfriend!" he practically screamed at her. 

"OK?" Joni said, as if that changed fucking nothing at all. 

"He can fuck whatever he wants!" Kyle said and walked away. That was way too harsh. He felt like a prick. 

After that there was no going back. Every time Kyle would get all pissy for no reason or he was a dick to Joni she would just look at him all knowing and concerned, and never, ever rubbed it in his face. 

Like that time he tried to break them up. That was a particularly low point for Kyle. 

The last day of Glastonbury they were doing a surprise set. Dan was freaking out, but like, way more than usual. Even though all their friends were there; Dan's house mates, Kyle's uni mates and all the girlfriends, Dan wanted Joni there. Which if Kyle let himself think about it, was fair enough. But at the same it time pissed him off to no end. Why did he need Joni's reluctant support when he had Kyle's full, continuous and unwavering support? 

Joni damn-near broke Dan's heart when she said she wasn't coming to the show. (Like, did she not know how lucky she was? He was practically throwing himself at her, begging her to be his girlfriend and she kept pushing him away!)

Kyle couldn't stand it anymore, he couldn't just sit back and watch Dan get rejected again and again. Granted Kyle didn't know Joni that well, and she clearly had her own shit going on, but couldn't she see that Dan needed her? When Kyle saw Dan's little face after she walked away, he just had to step in. He didn't have a choice, right? 

He tried to warn her off, they were in Dan's house and Kyle made a flippant comment about Dan's slutty past. Joni just looked at him, with a little pity but mostly sympathy and said, "I know what you're doing," and Kyle lost it. How dare she!? She had no fucking clue. 

"Of course you do, clever little Joni, you've got everyone all figured out," he snarled at her. 

Dan burst through the door then, looking like a deer in headlights. He ran straight to her, of course, and tried to get between them both. Kyle stood for a second watching Joni looking so fucking self-righteous, before he couldn't stand it anymore and pushed passed them both, slamming the front door behind him. 

Just once Kyle wished Joni would be a bitch so he could tell himself she was a bitch and then he wouldn't feel so bad about hating her. 

But even without Kyle's meddling they didn't work out. Which didn't surprise Kyle all that much. 

 

Kyle waited for Dan to notice him. For years.

Watched on as Dan played out some fantasy of being a womanising front-man. Rode out the storm of Dan’s doomed 'relationships', waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces.

These relationships, Kyle knew were never going to work out. Dan didn't fall fast, but he fell hard. Kyle could see them crashing into flames long before it happened. It was no one’s fault. But Dan was always going to screw it up.

Despite his job and the demands of the band, like touring and travelling, Dan was a home body. He needs someone steady, a constant. Joni could never be that for him. Sometimes it even seemed to Kyle that Joni actually  _liked_ that their jobs kept them apart. It meant there was an external force, an unbiased entity doing it, rather than her. 

Maybe Kyle was being a little unfair here. 

When Kyle saw Dan sitting alone in that bar in Brooklyn, it damn near broke his heart. He hated everything that had led to that moment. Dan was sitting in a far off booth, picking at the label on his beer bottle. He didn't look sad, or mad, or upset. But Kyle knew that this disconnected, withdrawn, far away Dan was much worse than angry Dan.

He slipped into the booth next to him and had to do everything in his power not to grab him, wrap himself around him and hold him in his arms until there was nothing left of either of them.

Kyle wanted to kiss every part of him. Wanted to adore him, praise him, and worship at the feet of him. There was no one in the world Kyle trusts more. He would have followed him into the bowels of hell if Dan asked him to. 

Why didn't Kyle just tell him then? The way Dan looked at him, all doe-eyed and wanting. He was practically begged Kyle to tell him. But he couldn’t, he didn’t trust himself, he wasn’t brave enough or strong enough to handle that kind of rejection. So he did what he always did. He panicked and walked away. Like an idiot. Like always.

 

If Joni was too distant, then Jake was too needy. 

Jake, who appeared out of nowhere. Jake, who finally gave Dan the love and attention he deserved. Jake, who made Kyle's world fall apart. 

Kyle screamed and he cried and punched things when he found out. 

He fell so deep into a pit of despair and self-pity that he genuinely saw no way out. He wanted to quit the band. He wanted to leave and never, ever come back. 

Jake changed everything. 

Because, you see, there is an entire world between being in love with your best friend who is not gay (and therefore could never want you like that. It's sad and unfortunate but it's nobody's fault), compared to being in love with your best friend who _is_ gay.

And still doesn't want you. 

Dan had a boyfriend, and that boyfriend was not Kyle.

You see, Dan being gay meant that he could love Kyle. But he didn’t.

It's the realisation that nothing you do matters. All those nights Kyle tortured himself, if only he'd been a little braver, if he'd been more open with himself and everyone else. Maybe Dan could have opened up too. But none of that matters because Dan wasn't waiting for Kyle, he wasn't waiting for some story-book ending, he wasn't waiting to be saved.

Dan was never suddenly going to see Kyle, his hero, his white knight, and they were never going to run away into the sunset together.  

Dan had his own story; his own beginning, middle and end. And it didn't involve Kyle. 

Dan was gay and he still didn't want Kyle. 

And Kyle wanted to die. 

 

Kyle's head had been a mess for so long, he didn't remember what it was like to not be this way.

But as soon as he found out about Jake, he knew that nothing was going to be the same again. Something had to be done, he had to get his head straight. They had one more tour before they went into the studio to do album two and then after that. He was done. 

That last tour was hell on earth. But the more he thought about leaving the more he knew it was the right decision, and that thought was kind of liberating. Once he knew he was a gonna, he started to treat the tour like a last hurrah, making the most of being with Dan and the guys. He drank, he partied, he mucked about with Woody, got philosophical with Will, jammed out with Charlie, took Erica on day trips. It was kind of great, actually.

Most of all, though, he spent time with Dan. He did everything he had banned himself from doing. They talked, they touched, they laughed. Kyle even told him he loved him once. Dan even said it back and everything. He didn’t mean it like Kyle meant it. But maybe that didn’t matter? Maybe that was enough for Kyle?

Even though he was having possibly the best time he'd had on tour in years, Kyle knew it was over for him. That was never made clearer than one night when Kyle lay in his bunk. He had the one above Dan's which was great normally, they could chat and have whispered late night company. But one night, Kyle lay listening to Dan speaking in low, hushed voices to his boyfriend.

Hot, hateful tears poured silently down Kyle's face as Dan giggled quietly and whispered loving platitudes down the phone. His heart twisted painfully as he heard Dan say all the things to Jake he would never say to him.

Kyle cried himself to sleep that night. And pretty much every night for there on in. He wanted to be the one to make Dan say those things, to make Dan feel those things. He wanted to be the one in all his stories and spoke about vaguely in interviews. He wanted to be the man he wrote songs about.

But he wasn’t.

And he would never be.

He broke up with Janna the next day. He didn't mean to, but she knew something was wrong and she got so upset when he wouldn't tell her. But he couldn't tell her, how can you tell your beautiful, perfect girlfriend you are in love with someone else? Especially when that someone else doesn’t even  _fucking_ want you anyway?

Kyle and Dan were never going to happen. So why was he so obsessed with it? He'd missed his chance with Dan, if he ever had one in the first place and now he'd fucked it up with Janna too. He didn't deserve either of them anyway. 

Everyone knew they'd broken up, but no one said anything, which Kyle was eternally grateful for. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to even think about it. He just wanted to make the most of their last couple of weeks together before he left for good. 

Kyle's plan was to admit everything to Dan as soon as they got off the plane. He tried to in fact. But he chickened out... again. Pathetic. 

He was so angry at himself, watching Dan's taxi speed away from him and toward Jake. Why didn't he just tell him? He had the perfect opportunity. They were outside, waiting for their taxis, they were alone with no one around to overhear or any threat of interruption.

All Kyle had to say was, 'Dan, please don't go home to your beautiful boyfriend who you love. Stay here with me, your ever loving, ever faithful, ever difficult, fuckwit of a best friend. Because I'm so hopelessly, helplessly in love with you, and watching you be this happy about seeing your boyfriend, who is not me, makes me want to rip my own heart out and serve it to you on a plate. Because it's yours Dan. It's yours. And I don't care what you do with it. Throw it away, stamp on it, smash it into a million tiny, little pieces. I don't care. Just have it. Take it. It's yours and I want you to have it.'

See. Simple. Why couldn't he just say that?

 

Kyle had managed to keep his cool the days after the kiss.

God that kiss. He was consumed by the memory of it. It was all he could think about, Dan's touch on his skin, the feel of his hair between Kyle's fingers, Dan's lips and teeth and tongue...  

It was enough to make him want to scream and cry and rip his hair out. 

It was driving him crazy. Not in the figurative, hyperbolic, poetic sense. But in the actual, real, literal sense. Kyle had thought of nothing else since. He spent hours re-playing it in his mind over and over again. God it was just so fucking good. He could still hear Dan's shaking breaths, moaning as he pushed their bodies together.  _Fuck!_

What was he thinking kissing Dan like that? He still didn't really understand why he did it.

What is that old saying, 'If you love something you set it free'? But Kyle was a selfish fuck and he didn't want to set Dan free. He wanted Dan. Just Dan, that's it. Just him, all of him, forever. 

And now he'd gone and fucked everything up. He wasn't going to have all of Dan, he wasn't even going to get the little parts of him he'd had up until now. He was going to have none of him.

 

Today on the studio schedule was Synth-Day! The day in the recording process that Kyle usually loved and looked forward to more than anything else. It meant long hours of just Kyle and Dan, sometimes Mark too, sometimes not. Kyle was dreading it. 

On the way in, Kyle's mind was racing, his whole body was shaking, his heart was beating too fast and he felt frantic and mad. He was in actual physical pain. It was like a living in a constant panic attack. He'd been like this since the kiss, but in front of everyone else he'd managed to keep it together. His coping mechanism was to simply avoid Dan, if he wasn’t around him he could pretend he was OK.

But Synth day meant it was just the two of them. Nowhere for Kyle to hide. 

Being around Dan was like actual torture. It actually hurt to look at him now. But Kyle had to suck it up and just tell Dan the truth. Well, part of it anyway. He was going to walk in to the studio and tell Dan that today was his last day. He'd go in, finish everything he had to and then leave and not come back. 

But when he saw Dan, and his fucking doe eyes and he just kept saying his name, over and over. Kyle had to run.

He didn't know what he was going to do or where he was going. But for some reason he found himself ringing the number of the absolute last person he wanted to talk to. 

"Hello?" Joni's voice came down the phone sharp and panicked, "Kyle? What's going on? Is Will OK? Where's Dan?" 

Of course. The only reason she would ever expect a call from Kyle was if the actual worst had happened. 

"I'm quitting the band," is all he could say. All he could muster without breaking down and bursting into tears.  

Joni didn't say anything. She just let him catch his breath and waited whilst he calmed his ragged nerves.  

Eventually. After a long moment. Kyle managed to get his heart rate back to a normal level and his brain started to form coherent sentences again. 

"What happened?" Joni asked. 

"I kissed him."

"Ah, I see," she said, putting the pieces together, "so what's the problem?" 

"Fuck," Kyle whimpered, more to himself than to her. 

"Kyle? What did Dan say?" Joni was becoming frustrated, he could tell. 

He didn't understand why she was even still on the phone to him. He had always been so horrible to her, so why was she letting him bare his soul to her? 

"Kyle, enough is enough," she said after a while of neither of them speaking, "You and I both know how you feel about Dan, would you just fucking tell him already? I'm sick to the back teeth of the pair of you!" 

"I'm quitting the band," he said again, his voice shaking 

"Oh for fuck's sake. And what will that achieve?" she was scolding him like a child. 

"My fucking sanity!" he exploded. 

She gave an exasperated sigh, "Look. Just talk to him. If it all goes tits up and doesn't work out then by all means. Quit the band. But you have to talk to him first. At this point. What have you got to fucking lose?"

Kyle didn't respond. Joni was right, if he was quitting anyway, he might as well tell Dan first. But the thought terrified him. Kyle couldn't handle that kind of rejection, not in his current state. Not ever. 

"Kyle?" Joni said gently, after some time. Her voice sounded quiet and concerned, gone was the frustrated edge from before. 

"Yeah? Yeah I'm still here," Kyle said clearing his throat. His voice sounded weak and completely foreign to him. 

"Talk to him, would you please just talk to him before you do anything stupid?"

 

Kyle wanted to wait in the freezing garden, sitting on the doorstep with flowers, he thought that would be a nice touch, that Dan would appreciate the sentiment of it. 

Dan stood in front of him, pushing him to admit it, practically begging him. So why couldn't he just say it? Kyle had finally plucked up the courage to talk to him, walked all the way to his house and waited all day. But when he saw Dan all the words he had practised over and over were sucked from his body. 

Kyle took one last deep breath and just said it, almost screamed it at him, actually, "I'm so fucking in love with you."

"What?" Dan said. But not in a way like he didn't hear what Kyle said, because he definitely heard. Dan said it like he was pissed off, and oh man was he pissed off, "You've got to be kidding me." 

This was not at all how Kyle expected this conversation to go. 

"I'm sorry, Dan. Forget I said anything," Kyle said and tried to walk past Dan but he moved and blocked his path. 

"No way. No fucking way you're running away from me again, Simmons." 

If Kyle thought Dan was pissed before, he  _knows_ Dan is pissed now. 

"Years, it's been... fucking years! I've been... and you. I fucking... What?" 

Dan was shouting, rambling a continuous stream of profanities and nonsensical sentences. Even though he was looking at Kyle, and pointing at him, he was speaking more to himself than to Kyle.

"How long?" Dan demanded after a while. It took Kyle a beat to realise he was being spoken to, but he couldn't process the question, "How long have you known?" 

"I don't know, a while I guess," Kyle felt flustered. He had this romantic plan all in place. They would talk and declare their undying love for each other. Dan would run into Kyle's arms and kiss him like there was no tomorrow. They would both laugh and cry and hold each other until there was nothing left. 

Instead Dan was mad, like, angrier than Kyle had ever seen him. But he was crying, so that's something. 

"God, Kyle. Fuck!" Dan sniffed running his hands over his face, "After all that shit you gave me about not telling you!" 

"I know, I know," Kyle said looking down shaking his head. 

"I can't do this. I have Jake and... Fuck, Jake! He's... and I'm-"  

"I'm sorry. Dan please. My timing is shit, I know. And it's so unfair to tell you any of this, you have a boyfriend and you're obviously not interested but I had to tell you. I'm going to quit, I will. I just had to tell you." 

"No, God, what? Not interested?" Dan grabbed Kyle as he tried to leave again.

"Yeah, its fine, I know you don't feel the same, so," Kyle couldn't look at him. 

His body sagged with exhaustion. All the adrenaline and energy drained from him. He stared down at Dan's hands gripping the front of his jacket. He brought his hands up to take Dan's in his, tried to pull them away but Dan wouldn't let go. 

"Kyle, no-" 

"I know, I know. It's fine! Seriously forget it," Kyle tried in vain to push Dan away, to get away from him and run, "I'm going to quit the band so you don't have to worry about me anymore." 

"Fuck, Kyle!" Dan cried out as Kyle finally pulled away from him and rushed past him. All patience had seeped from Dan and he grabbed at Kyle so roughly it shocked them both. He spun Kyle around to face him, "Kyle no! Would you please stop running away from me! Just fucking listen to me!?"

Kyle didn't say a word, both of their breaths coming out ragged and in great puffs in between them. 

"I love you too. Always have," Dan shrugged, pulling Kyle a little closer, "It's you, Kyle. It's always been you." 

 

***END***


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